Hole in One Page #8

- Oh, wait. Here's your ass now.

- And here's a spanking.

(EXCLAIMS) Faster. Yeah, smack that ass.

- CARLTON:
Pastor, that hurts.

- Right.

Anybody hear anything from Mandy?

She said she had something important to do.

I haven't seen Mark in two days either.

Hey, I just found out the answer

to this whole mystery.

I'm gonna go hit some balls.

MAN:
We're live in three, two...

Hi, I'm Scott, and welcome to

the first annual Cuda Challenge,

brought to you by San Diego CNTV.

We're here at the beautiful

Borrego Springs Resort.

It's a hot one, and tensions are mounting,

so grab a cold drink,

we're about ready to tee off.

F***ing golf.

They've got me broadcasting f***ing golf...

(ALL CHEERING)

An extremely blustery day

here at the course,

as we get a look at

the PAHR team's secret weapon up close

to begin the tournament.

- Hello, Scott.

- We welcome Stephanie to the broadcast.

Her handlers finally finished with

the Herculean task of applying her makeup.

Now that I can see your crow's feet up close,

I can cancel my trip to the Grand Canyon.

(LAUGHING)

Let's do it.

My back is killing me, dude.

That's what we're here to fix. Let's do it.

(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Eric.

Great place to put a f***ing tree.

Oh, yeah.

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHS)

HAMILTON:
Oh, Daddy!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

It's okay, let that one go. It's okay.

- No, no.

- Don't do this.

Son of a b*tch.

- What was that?

- I don't know.

BOTH:
Eric sucks at golf. Eric sucks at golf.

I don't think it's too early to call.

With the docs this far ahead,

I'm putting my money on them.

We'll be right back.

What the hell was that?

- Had to lay up.

- Bullshit. You could've made that shot.

- No, not today I can't.

- What's the matter with you?

We've finally got a surefire way of getting

rid of those things and you're blowing it.

- I was hoping Mandy would come.

- That ship has sailed, my friend. All right?

You blew your chance with her.

There's nothing we can do about it now.

Just get your head in the game, Eric.

Looks like your friend is

getting used to having that rack.

I'm getting the impression that

he wants to keep them forever and ever.

No, stop. All right.

You can't do this to me, man.

We're gonna lose if you don't pick it up.

No, I can't beat these guys

on my own. Okay?

I know, I'm sorry. It's this thing with Mandy.

I'm in love with her, Ty.

- What?

- I know. I don't know.

Ever since I got these hooters,

I don't feel complete without her.

Okay.

Let's just not talk about that right now.

I need you to focus, okay?

I can't. Not until I...

- Oh, sh*t. It's my dad.

- What?

You sent that envelope?

- Yes, we definitely sent the envelope.

- Yeah, sorry.

CARLTON:
It was just sitting there

with a stamp on it.

HAMILTON:
And it slipped into the box.

- Hey, Dad, I can explain this...

- It's okay, Eric. I know what happened.

- You do?

- Mandy told me everything.

Mandy?

- Hey.

- Hey, you.

Hey, it's really good to see you.

I'm sorry I'm late, I just wanted to make sure

your dad understood everything.

Like I finally did.

Mandy tells me

you made $50,000 playing golf.

Yeah.

Why didn't you just come to me?

No, I couldn't come to you.

It was my fault. I got in way over my head.

I was letting golf

get in the way of my classes, and I wasn't...

Whoa!

$50,000 from golf?

Maybe the school is getting in the way

of your golf.

I mean, it's something to think about.

Now you better get back in there.

Unless you plan on keeping those ta-tas.

Mandy, on the other hand...

She's a keeper.

- I'll see you on the 18th.

- All right, Dad.

Wait, Mandy, hold on.

Come on, take your shot

or forfeit the hole, Erica.

(EXCLAIMING)

- Served.

- Psych.

- You need to go.

- No, I have to say this first. Okay?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I didn't realise how stupid I was.

I'm sorry it took you giving up on me

in order for me to figure out

that I can't give up on you.

None of this means anything now.

The tits, the golf game,

none of it means anything

unless I know that we still have a shot.

None of it matters

unless I know I haven't lost you.

Eric, you never lost me.

It's gonna take a lot more than

another set of b*obs to come between us.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

We can talk more later.

First, you need to get out there

and show those slimeballs

how a real man plays golf.

(EXCLAIMS)

- Everything okay?

- Everything is perfect.

- Ready to finish this?

- Hell yeah.

Let's do it.

Bore me to death.

(CHEERING)

Yes! Unbelievable. Yes!

Oh, my God!

(ALL CHEERING)

(GUNSHOT)

F***, f***, f***, f***...

That bold prediction you made earlier

really didn't pan out for you, did it, Steph?

Bite me.

And we're tied here at the 18th,

while everybody waits patiently

for their favourite freak.

What are you thinking?

A little right to left, slightly uphill.

All right, you got this, man.

Sink it and we win.

(ALL CHEERING)

Yes!

- You did it.

- We did it.

- Thanks, Dad.

- That was a good one.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

- You guys, wow! Super duper.

- Super duper.

Just want you to know,

you didn't think we were really gonna

honour our little agreement, did you?

- You're keeping those titties.

- And we're still going to crush PAHR.

Good game, fellows. Nice. (WHOOPS)

- Call us.

-1-800-NuBOOBS.

(HORN HONKING)

Relax, man, it's cool.

I like your line.

- Still looking for investors?

- Yeah.

- But the last time, you said...

- Yeah, I know about the last time.

And I'm sure

that'll never happen again, right?

- No, no.

- My man.

And my man Mark here. He's all right, too.

Not only that,

but homeboy can bust a hell of a rhyme.

Jiggly titties, you got that jiggly titties.

- Stupid.

- Okay.

No, but seriously, dog.

Whatever you need, it's covered. Deal?

Deal.

(WHISPERING)

- Those guys right there?

- Yeah.

No problem, man. I got you.

Hey, fellows.

- Okay, got to go.

- Have you had work done?

See you first thing tomorrow morning, Docs.

HAMILTON:
Serpentine, serpentine.

CARLTON:
I voted for Obama.

Oh, my God.

There's the girl of my dreams, right there.

Yo, E-dog, watch me work my magic.

(EXCLAIMS)

Stupid.

All right,

let's hear it for Eric and Tyler, everybody.

(ALL CHEERING)

If the PAHR Cups dual counter-balance

chest gear for men can improve my swing,

imagine what it can do for yours.

Get your set at PAHR.com today.

You want bigger b*obs?

But you're concerned about a long recovery

time interfering with your active lifestyle?

We've got an answer for you.

Call 1-800-NuBOOBS now

for a free consultation.

We've got a new technology,

we've got a patented procedure,

and you get NuBOOBS.

But I have a big golf game in two days.

- Will I be able to play after the procedure?

- Of course you will.

Yay!

- Can you even help someone like me?

- You bet we can.

Wow! Boobies!

Call us today for NuBOOBS.

Call 1-800-NuBOOBS and get yourself

some new b*obs this weekend.

- Knockers, jugs, ta-tas.

- Knobs, funbags, milk wagons.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes