Holes Page #4

SAM:
Get your sweet,

sweet magical ointments!

Get your elixirs, health potions,

onion tonics.

Onions, get your onions here, folks.

God's own chosen vegetable.

Nature's magic vegetables

right here, folks.

Mr. Collingwood,

let me see that head of yours.

-My head?

-Yes, sir.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

I got exactly what you need.

Just rub this on his head

every night, Mrs. Collingwood,

and before you know it,

his hair's gonna be

as long and as thick as Mary Lou's mane.

-(BELL RINGING)

-Sam, thank you.

The ancient Egyptians knew

the secrets of the onions.

How its potent juices

can cure stomachaches and toothaches

measles and mumps,

rheumatism, hemorrhoids.

(CHILDREN GIGGLE)

If you don't believe me,

just ask Mary Lou.

All she eats is onions,

and she's almost 100 years old.

-How would you know, Sam?

-You're not a day over 25.

Nature's magic vegetable, Miss Katherine.

I don't care how much gold

there is back there,

I ain't goin' back

without some lizard juice.

I see your friend back there

wasn't so smart.

Too bad he didn't know

yellow-spotted lizards

don't like my onion juice.

Get your sweet, sweet onions, folks.

Health potions, lizard oils,

onion tonics, cure-alls.

And for you, Miss Katherine,

I have this special bag of onions.

Thank you.

-And your peaches.

-Thank you.

Sometimes I think Green Lake, Texas,

is heaven on earth.

Those peaches are the work of an angel.

-I like peaches.

-(LAUGHTER)

Come on, boys.

-Buy you a drink, Sheriff?

-Buy me two.

(BIRD CHIRPING)

That was some lame crap you pulled.

What?

Look, man, you ever find anything,

give it to me, you understand?

I've been here for over six months

and never found anything.

No one has.

Why should you get a day off

when you just got here?

You know what I'm saying.

It's only fair.

Right?

-Right?

-Right.

That's what I call

an informed decision, Dog.

-(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

-(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

-What are you doing? No.

-I'm watching that.

Not today you ain't.

Look, you broke it!

Right there!

(GRUNTS)

Watch it!

You watch it, man.

What you say to me?!

Sorry, man. I didn't mean...

I didn't mean to hit you.

You're a dead man!

Hey, hey.

Hey, just chill, okay, man, all right?

Look, we start a fight now,

the Warden will come down

hard on all of us.

Just keep that punk away from me!

-X-RAY:
Cool.

-ARMPIT:
Just chill.

It's all right. It's all good.

Just relax.

Here's your tunes, man.

Don't look at him. He's crazy.

You understand me?

Hey, nobody messes

with the Caveman. Nobody.

-Did you see the Caveman back there?

-No, I don't want to mess with anybody.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Let's go eat.

Hey, you coming, Caveman?

Come on, Caveman.

Come on, Caveman.

What?

Caveman?

So, I'm Caveman?

It's better than Barf Bag.

Line up, fishies.

Get your lake water.

You get it?

Lake water. It's a joke.

You're here now, Caveman, all right?

-MR. SIR:
Let's go, fellas.

-X-RAY:
Move up, fool.

MAGNET:
Hey, X, when you moving me up?

Oh, man.

MR. SIR:
Can I start now, your highness?

Yes, Mr. Sir.

DR. PENDANSKI:
What about you, Jose?

What do you like?

MAGNET:
I like animals.

That's what got Magnet

sent here in the first place.

(LAUGHTER)

Man, it's criminal the way

they keep them locked up in cages.

No, Jose.

What you did was criminal.

No, no. Tell 'em, Magnet.

They wanted 1,000 bucks

for just one puppy.

-What?

-Yeah.

I would've made it out

if my pocket didn't start barking.

(LAUGHTER)

You boys get one life,

and so far, you've done a pretty good job

of screwing it up.

So, you're Caveman now, big shot.

Got a nickname.

Well, let me tell you something, Caveman,

You are here on account of one person.

You know who that person is?

Yeah.

My no-good, dirty-rotten,

pig-stealing great-great-grandfather.

That's who it is.

(LAUGHTER)

No.

You screwed your life up, Stanley Yelnats,

and it's up to you to fix it.

It's not gonna be easy,

but you'd be surprised

what you can accomplish

once you set your mind to it.

Even Zero here isn't completely worthless.

What about you, Zero?

What do you like to do?

You just won't talk with me, will you?

Man, he only talks to Caveman, you know?

You think you're better than all this?

I like diggin' holes.

Then you're in the right place

for it, buddy boy.

"My dearest Stanley,

your letters make me feel

like one of the other moms

who can afford to send

their kids to summer camp."

Do not touch my shoes!

"Your father thinks he's real close

to a breakthrough.

I do hope so, Stanley,

'cause the landlord

is threatenin' to evict us

because of the odor."

Sir, you are an insult

to the chemistry of smell!

-Eight months!

-You know what I'm gonna do with this?

I am going to boil it with cross-trainers!

Don't do that!

Aah! Aah!

Oh, yeah, "Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!"

"I feel so sorry for the old lady

who lived in the shoe

'cause it must have smelled real bad."

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

She's crazy.

What are you laughing at?

Uh, just something my mom wrote.

She, uh (CLEARS THROAT)

She said...

"I feel sorry for the little old lady

who lived in the shoe

'cause it must have smelled really bad."

(CHUCKLES)

You know, like the nursery rhyme.

I... I feel really awkward

with you reading over

my shoulder like that, so...

I can't read.

Can you teach me?

Um...

You know, I'm... I'm not really a...

a good teacher,

and, uh, I get tired from digging all day,

so, I just wanna come back

and chill, you know?

Just relax.

See you in there?

Look at this guy.

Whoo!

(ALL GROANING)

Armpit, put it down! Put it down!

Armpit!

Hey, look, a cloud.

Right there.

Maybe it'll move in front of the sun.

Come on, little cloud.

You can do it.

Please, that's all I'm asking

for is just a little shade.

Warden owns the shade, man.

Maybe we'll get lucky.

Maybe we'll get some clouds.

It will rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Yeah, and we'll have to build an ark

and get two of each animal.

Yeah, two scorpions, two rattlesnakes,

two yellow spider lizards. All of that.

(INDISTINCT YELLING IN DISTANCE)

Hey.

What do you got there, Caveman?

What?

What do you got there?

STANLEY IV:
I don't know.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, X...

I think I might have found something.

(SIGHS)

X-RAY:
Let me see that.

What do you think?

(SNIFFLES)

Looks like an old shotgun

shell or something, man.

No, man, it's too skinny

to be a shotgun shell.

-No. No, it's not a shotgun shell.

-Yeah. No, it's not a shotgun shell.

Look at this. You see that little heart?

You see that?

With the letters in it right there?

-Yeah. "K.B." that's what it is.

-Let me see.

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