Holes Page #3

(LAUGHTER)

STANLEY II:
It was all because

of your no-good, dirty-rotten,

pig-stealing great-great-grandfather,

Elya Yelnats.

It started in a little village in Latvia.

He was shoveling in Morris Menke's barn,

When Myra, his beautiful daughter,

walked by.

(CHUCKLES) And that was it.

So, what does your

great-great-grandfather do?

He goes to a fortune-teller,

Madame Zeroni, for advice.

MADAME ZERONI:

All you think about is Myra Menke.

I know.

STANLEY II:

That's when our troubles began.

Listen to Madame Zeroni.

You should go to America.

That's where my son is.

That's your future.

Not Myra Menke.

Her head's as empty as a flowerpot.

Mr. Menke...

I would like your permission

to marry your daughter.

You too?

(GRUNTS)

Igor Barkov has offered

his fattest pig for her.

What do you got?

A heart full of love.

(LAUGHTER)

He's just a boy!

I'd rather have a fat pig.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Morris Menke is a schmuck.

Okay, here's what you do.

Take the little one.

(ALL OINKING)

But this solves nothing.

So, it will grow.

Every day, you carry the pig

up the mountain.

Make it drink the water from the stream

while you sing...

(SINGS) "If only, if only,"

the woodpecker sighs...

Woodpecker sighs.

(SINGS) ..."the bark on the tree

was as soft as the skies."

While the wolf waits below,

hungry and lonely

He cries to the moon, "if only, if only."

MADAME ZERONI:

Every day, the pig will get fatter,

and you will get stronger.

Now, after you give the pig to Menke,

you must carry Madame Zeroni up a mountain

and sing while I drink

so I can get strong, too.

(LAUGHING)

But, if you forget to come back

for Madame Zeroni,

you and your family

will be cursed for always and eternity.

(LAUGHING)

(MUSIC ON THE RADIO)

-Get your water, Dog. Get your water.

-Oh, my god.

Here comes the water truck.

-First hole's the hardest, right?

-MR. SIR:
Let's go!

MAGNET:
Hey, Mr. Sir.

-What you doin', man?

-Get your place in line, Magnet!

Keep your hands off of me, man!

So, how'd it go your first day, Yelnats?

Got some blisters on ya?

-Big, fat blisters.

-Yeah.

Well, don't worry.

Everything turns to callus eventually.

That's life. Next.

-(PIG SNORTING)

-MORRIS:
Myra!

Who do you choose - Igor Barkov...

or Elya Yelnats?

You want me to decide?

That's right, my blossom.

(CHUCKLES)

Gee, I don't know.

(PIGS SNORTING)

Which pig weighs more?

They are the same.

Oh, I know!

I will think of a number between 1 and 10.

Okay, I'm ready.

Marry Igor.

You can keep my pig as wedding present.

(LAUGHTER)

Two pigs for one daughter!

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

You done already?

BOY:
Don't you know, man?

He's, like,

the fastest digger in the camp.

BOY 1:
He's a mole.

I think he eats the dirt.

He's a weird dude.

BOY 2:
Moles don't eat dirt.

-Worms eat dirt.

-BOY 1:
Really?

(BELL DINGING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

STANLEY II:
So that was it.

He took Madame Zeroni's advice

and went to America, like her son,

but the dummy forgot to go back

and carry Madame Zeroni up the mountain.

MADAME ZERONI:
If you forget to come back

for Madame Zeroni,

you and your family will be cursed

for always and eternity.

(LAUGHING)

STANLEY IV:
Somebody help me!

Anybody up there?!

(COUGHS)

I'm done with my hole now!

(GRUNTING)

Oh, god.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, god.

(SIGHS)

(GUN C*CKS)

Don't move.

Oh, f...

(GUNSHOT)

(HISSES)

(SHRIEKS)

(STANLEY IV WHIMPERS)

(GUNSHOT)

(GASPS)

Get your stuff.

Get yourself a good sleep, son.

-Yes, sir.

-Yeah.

Oh, my god!

(GUNSHOT)

What color was his blood?

I don't... I don't know. I couldn't tell.

I wish I'd have seen it.

-Bam!

-(LAUGHS)

ARMPIT:
If Mr. Sir didn't shoot it...

Stanley, you'd be in a hole.

Did you know

that each one's got exactly 11 spots?

Yeah, man, but if you ever get

close enough to count 'em...

(IMITATES SLASHING SOUND)

You're dead.

ARMPIT:
Look, it's the lizards

we're working for, man.

We build their houses for 'em.

I mean, yesterday, I saw, like,

10 of them in one hole.

X-RAY:
Man, we ain't diggin'

for no lizards.

ARMPIT:
What we diggin' for then, man?

Like Mr. Sir said,

we're diggin' to build some character.

(LAUGHTER)

(GUNSHOT)

(GROWLS)

(RECORD PLAYER CRACKLES,

REVEILLE PLAYS)

-Come on! Wake up, buddy!

-(SINGING) Feelin' mighty fine

Feelin' mighty fine this time

STANLEY IV:
"Dear Mom...

I'm having a wonderful time at camp.

(SINGING) Yes, I am

"The food's great.

Not as good as yours,

of course, but I like it."

(SINGING) Feelin' mighty fine

Feelin' mighty fine this time

"We've been out on the lake all day."

STANLEY IV:
Where's a person go to

the bathroom around here?

-Man, pick a hole, any hole.

-(SINGING) Feelin' mighty fine

"Once I pass the swimming test,

I'll get to learn how to water ski.

I've made lots of friends."

-Oh, you're goin' to hell for sure.

-(LAUGHTER)

(SINGING) Feelin' mighty fine

-"And the water is cool and refreshing."

-Feelin' mighty fine

(CLUNK)

(SINGING) This time

-"You'd like my counselor. He's a doctor."

-(SINGING)Yes, indeed

Smells like puke from a mule

been ruminating on asparagus

for two weeks.

"And I'm really enjoying the wildlife."

(SINGING)

Don't believe a word they say about me

Because I'm feelin' mighty fine

Feelin' mighty fine

-Rent time! Pay up!

-(SINGING) This time

"The other boys aren't bad kids.

Like me, they were just in the wrong place

at the wrong time."

Get on there, fool!

"Well, that's it for now, ma.

Say hi to dad and grandpa for me.

Love, your son, Stanley."

Who you writin' to?

Aw, you miss your mommy and daddy?

-I don't want them to worry.

-They don't care.

-Give me the letter.

-Believe me.

They're glad to be rid of you.

(SMOOCHES)

Found something.

-It's a fossil. You see that?

-Well, that's interesting.

Do I get a day off?

-What?

-That's what Mr. Sir said.

He said that, uh, if I found

something interesting, I get the day off.

Stanley, the Warden

isn't interested in fossils.

Let me see that.

-What is it?

-Man, see, look.

(SINGSONG VOICE)

Look at the little fishies!

Aww!

(NORMAL VOICE) I mean, you know,

it look like those cave pictures, man.

Ain't nothin', anyway.

Fossil. I tell you what,

I think Stanley belongs in a cave, man.

I told you he was a Neanderthal

the first time I saw him.

Guess there really was

a lake out here once, right?

There was a town, too.

The Warden's grandfather owned the lake

and half the town.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Whoo!

-Tie her off, there, boys.

-All right, now.

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