Hollywood Sex Wars Page #10

THAT'S NOT WHA WAS TALKING ABOUT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR EVERYTHING.

UM, CAN I USE YOUR RESTROOM?

YEAH. UH,

IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

( beeping )

OHH.

( sighs )

ARE--ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, IT'S JUST MY MOM.

MY STUPID KID'S ACTING UP,

AND I HAVE TO GO AND SEE IT.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW

YOU WERE A MOM.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

LOOK AT ME.

YOU'RE WAY TOO HO TO BE A MOM.

EVERYBODY SAYS THAT.

I KNOW. I MEAN,

I'M A GOOD MOM.

I SEE MY KID EVERY MONTH.

BUT I'M MORE WORRIED

ABOUT YOU.

OH, I'M TOTALLY COOL.

MY BOYFRIEND ACTUALLY LIVES

RIGHT NEXT DOOR, SO...

Glen:
SO SERIOUSLY

YOU SAID SHE WAS

BRINGING SOME FRIENDS?

TWO FRIENDS.

TWO FRIENDS?

GRADE A F***ING TAIL?

TWO TENDERONIES.

TWO?

HEY, WHAT'S UP, GIRL?

HELLO. GLEN,

THESE ARE MY FRIENDS

CANDACE AND DENISE.

HI. HOW ARE YOU?

HI.

YOU GUYS LOOK FANTASTIC.

I'M DOING GOOD OBVIOUSLY.

BYE.

BYE, AARON.

( phone vibrating )

HI, HEY, SWEETHEART.

GOT YOUR OWN LITTLE REFUGEE

CAMBODIAN OUTFIT ON.

MM-HMM. MMM, YEAH.

I LIKE THAT LOOK

YOU GOT GOING ON.

LOOK LIKE:

YOU IN TRAINING MODE.

YOU ARE READY FOR ACTION.

I KNOW.

I'M A TOUGH GIRL.

I LIKE THESE LITTLE

EARRINGS YOU GOT, TOO.

MMM, I LIKE THIS

LITTLE THIGH MEA STICKING OUT RIGHT HERE.

MEAT?

GONNA STICK MY FORK IN IT!

ALISSA, AMY, CARMEN.

Glen:

WHAT ARE WE HAVING?

LET'S DO SHOTS.

LET'S DO SHOTS.

THAT SOUNDS GREAT.

IT'S EARLY.

LET'S GET THE PARTY STARTED.

GLEN...

HEY, GRETCHEN.

YEAH, WHAT'S UP?

I NEED TO TALK TO YOU...

IN PRIVATE.

RIGHT NOW?

IT'S IMPORTANT.

NOW.

OKAY.

EXCUSE ME, LADIES.

ZELDA.

SEND.

OH, IT'S THE TEXT.

OH, THIS IS PRICELESS.

"IT'S MAX,

AND I'M HORNY.

"WHICH ONE OF MY B*TCHES

IS UP RIGHT NOW,

"READY FOR A FACELOAD

OF JIZZ?

I GOT THE BEER."

OH, MY GOD.

THAT IS SO EPIC.

WHO DO YOU THINK THIS

WENT OUT TO?

KNOWING WENDY, PROBABLY EVERY

SINGLE FEMALE IN HIS PHONE.

( beeping )

F***ING ASSCLOWN!

THANK YOU.

NO, I'M GOOD.

BUT WE USED A CONDOM.

( sighs )

IT BROKE SOMETIMES, REMEMBER?

BECAUSE YOU WERE "TOO BIG"?

THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD.

LET ME SEE.

PERVERT!

FIVE MINUTES?!

UM, NO, NO, NO, IT'S FINE.

TAKE YOUR TIME.

UM, I'M JUST GOING TO BE

STRAIGHTENING UP.

OKAY. OKAY, BYE.

F***!

LOOK AT THAT KNEE.

MMM.

UM, I HAVE TO GO.

WHAT?

YEAH.

YOU GOTTA GO?

MM-HMM.

WHY?

NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

GIRL STUFF. COME ON.

GIRL STUFF? NO, YOU DID NO JUST KISS ME ON MY FOREHEAD.

$500.

$500?

I KNOW.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OF IT?

NO, I DON'T HAVE

ANY OF IT.

THAT'S WHY I'M HERE

TALKING TO YOU.

I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN,

I COULD ASK MY MOM,

BUT SHE WANTS GRANDKIDS,

SO WHAT...

GOD.

DID YOU DO ANY,

LIKE, SHOPPING AROUND?

IT'S MY VAGINA!

( phone rings )

Text voice:

IT'S MAX.

IT'S FROM MAX!

"TEXT TO LANDLINE"

MESSAGE. IT'S MAX.

IT'S A "TEXT TO LANDLINE"

MESSAGE.

...AND READY

FOR A FACELOAD OF JIZZ?

WHAT IDIOTS.

THEY TOTALLY DESERVED IT.

( beeping )

OH...

MOMMY,

WHAT'S "JIZZ" MEAN?

WHERE DID YOU:

GET THAT FILTH?

MAX.

( phone vibrates and rings )

PICK UP!

SCHOOL'S OUT, AARON.

JOHNNY...I F***ED UP.

OKAY, RELAX.

ALL RIGHT,

MR. "PERFECT BOYFRIEND,"

LOOK, JUST STOP AND THINK.

WHAT DID SHE TOUCH?

Johnny:
DID SHE DRINK ANYTHING?

CHECK FOR LIPSTICK.

WHAT ABOUT CIGARETTES?

WAS SHE SMOKING?

CHECK THE BED.

TAKE A LINT ROLLER TO THE BED.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

JUST LOOK AROUND CAREFULLY.

LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.

HI.

MMM, LUCKY YOU WERE

JUST AROUND THE CORNER!

HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING?

NO. NO.

WHAT ARE YOU--NO.

OH, MY GOD.

SH*T.

( phone ringing )

YOU WERE RIGHT.

HE JUST HAD SOME

MENSTRUATING WHORE OVER HERE!

COME ON, SWEETIE.

YOU KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.

I KNOW. I JUST...

I DIDN'T THINK

IT WOULD HAPPEN SO SOON.

I MEAN, I REALLY,

REALLY LIKED HIM.

YEAH, SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM.

I THINK IT'S COOL.

UH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, MAN.

SERIOUSLY YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

NO PROBLEM, BUT, DUDE, IF YOU

INSIST ON HAVING A GIRLFRIEND--

NO, NO, NO. I WASN'T EVEN

GOING TO DO ANYTHING, DUDE.

PLUS, SHE WAS ON HER PERIOD.

HER PERIOD.

DID YOU CHECK THE BATHROOM?

OH, F***!

OH, SH*T!

HE'S A BOY.

BOYS WOULD F*** A STICK

OF BUTTER IF THEY COULD.

HE'S BASICALLY AS FAITHFUL

AS THE OPTIONS OPEN TO HIM.

I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

NO. DON'T DO A THING.

YOU'VE GOT A BIRTHDAY

COMING UP NEXT WEEKEND,

DON'T YOU?

YES.

OKAY, CLEAN UP THE BLOOD,

DRY YOUR EYES,

AND PRETEND:

LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.

WE ARE GOING TO TURN

THIS WHOLE THING AROUND.

OKAY. CAN I COME BACK

TO THE MEETINGS?

OF COURSE YOU CAN,

SWEETIE.

COME NEXT WEEK,

WE'LL GET YOU TASSELED IN,

AND WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN.

OH, AND YVONNE'S GOING TO BE

UNVEILING HER NEW BOOBIES!

GOOD. I CANT WAIT.

THANKS.

HEY, GUYS.

GIRL, WHAT'S UP?

HOW DID IT GO?

HOW DID IT GO?

AWESOME!

GET DOWN!

YEAH, WE DID!

WE SENT THE TEXT MESSAGE

FROM HELL!

I'M SORRY I WASN'T THERE.

( all speaking at once )

THEY KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGE.

ABSOLUTELY.

BABE,

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

( sadly )

YES.

ARE YOU CRYING?

NO. IT'S MY ALLERGIES.

SO, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME

FOR MY BIRTHDAY?

UM, WHAT ABOU THAT LITTLE RESTAURAN YOU LIKE DOWNTOWN?

YEAH. WHAT ABOUT MAUI?

( grunts )

WHERE YOU BEEN AT, MAN?

BEEN AT THE F***ING ATM.

THIS IS...

THIS IS DEEP SH*T, MAN.

SH*T. YOU GOT NO IDEA, MAN.

I BEEN GETTING SOME

CRAZY ASS TEXT MESSAGES.

YEAH?

( phone ringing )

HEY, WHAT'S UP, MOM?

? WE ARE THE LADIES

OF THE T.O.B. ?

? WITH THE BOOTY

THAT THEY WANT ?

? BUT THIS SH*T AIN'T CHEAP

? WE NEED MORE JEWELRY

AND TIGS FOR RELAXIN' ?

? TANNING BOOTHS AND SILICON

AND INTIMATE WAXIN' ?

? WE NEVER HAVE TO PAY

'CAUSE WE GOT THESE ?

? TIG OLD BITTIES,

WE RUN THIS CITY ?

? COURTNEY'S IN OUR GANG

'CAUSE SHE'S GOT TIG BITTIES ?

( cheering )

YOU DODGED A BULLET,

MY FRIEND.

$450 FOR AN ABORTION,

OR 18 YEARS OF CHILD SUPPORT?

THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY.

YEAH,

THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

NOW, COURTNEY,

THAT WAS THE EASY PART,

BUT TIME:

TO JUMP YOU IN!

( cheering )

( chanting )

COURTNEY, COURTNEY, COURTNEY...

( cheering, screaming )

ONCHIE! ONCHIE!

AND WHAT ARE YOU

SO MISERABLE ABOUT?

YOU GOT LUCKY, TOO.

I KNOW.

I JUST FEEL BAD.

WHY? 'CAUSE YOU

DIDN'T GET TO F***

THAT CENTERFOLD:

YOU "HELPED"?

DID THEY PAY UP?

MOSTLY.

GOD, I'VE F***ED

SOME CHEAP BASTARDS.

BUT WE DID MAKE SOME

MONEY, RIGHT, WENDY?

WELL, BECAUSE OF YOU,

GRETCHEN, $2000!

HOLLA!

HOLLA!

NICE.

DUDE, SHE ASKED ME TO TAKE HER

TO HAWAII FOR HER BIRTHDAY.

( laughing )

YOU'RE 25.

YOU DON'T NEED ALL THAT!

NO, I KNOW,

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I SHOULD PROBABLY

CALL HER, MAN,

AND MAKE THINGS:

A BIT LESS FORMAL.

CALL HER.

( laughing )

( phone vibrating )

OH, IT'S THE BOY.

SHALL I DITCH IT?

NO. TAKE IT.

THIS IS GONNA BE EPIC.

YEAH, AND FIND OU WHAT HIS LITTLE FRIENDS

ARE DOING.

OKAY.

HELLO?

WHERE IS YVONNE?

I ALWAYS DITCH THEM ALL

EVERY SIX MONTHS.

IT'S VERY LIBERATING.

ALL EXCEP THE ONE YOU LOVED.

COME ON, DUDE, WE'VE BEEN

THROUGH A LOT, MAN.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL US

WHAT HAPPENED?

( crying )

THEY'RE PARTYING!

ONE IS EXCITED:

BECAUSE HE DOESN' HAVE TO HAVE A KID,

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