Hollywood Sex Wars Page #11

AND THE OTHER ONE HAS

A BUNCH OF DATES LINED UP,

AND AARON WANTS TO MAKE

THINGS "LESS FORMAL."

OHH...

OHH...

WHAT'S THE MATTER,

SWEETHEART?

SHOW THEM.

( sniffling )

( crying )

( women gasping )

OHH! WHAT?!

OH, MY GOD!

HE SAID THAT ONE

OF THE IMPLANTS:

WAS CRACKED:

AND THAT THEY:

DIDN'T NOTICE UNTIL THEY

WERE GONNA IMPLANT IT.

DICK.

A**HOLE!

WHEN IS HE GONNA DO

THE OTHER ONE?

HE SAID BOOKED ALL MONTH,

BUT HE WANTS TO TAKE ME

TO VEGAS NEXT WEEK!

SNEAKY:

LITTLE BASTARD!

AND LOOK WHAT HE GAVE HER

FOR HER SCAR TISSUE.

LOOK WHAT HE GAVE ME

FOR THE SCAR TISSUE.

KELOCOTE.

KELOCOTE.

JOHNNY EYELASH.

WAIT.

AARON HAS A FRIEND

NAMED JOHNNY.

SO DOES MAX.

SO DOES GLEN, AND HE'S ALWAYS

TALKING ABOUT HOW COOL HE IS.

WHO IS THIS JOHNNY EYELASHES?

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

HIS FAGGY LITTLE FINGERPRINTS

WERE ALL OVER THIS.

HE WAS PULLING THE STRINGS

ALL ALONG.

WHO IS THIS JOHNNY EYELASH,

AND WHY IS HE RUINING

MY LIFE?

HE'S A BOY THAT I...

WE USED TO DATE.

Max:

SHE WAS AMAZING.

I WAS IN NEW YORK.

WE WERE YOUNG,

WE WERE LIVING TOGETHER,

AND I WAS REALLY

IN LOVE WITH HER.

I WAS REALLY HAPPY.

Little Wendy:
I DIDN'T KNOW THA I COULD LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH.

Big Wendy:

I KNEW HIM, TOO.

THAT'S HOW WE MET.

HE HAS A LONG HISTORY

WITH THIS GANG.

HE'S THE REASON

WHY WE STARTED THE T.O.B.

YEAH, WHAT DOES T.O.B.

STAND FOR?

I WAS REALLY INTO HER,

BUT SHE WAS:

A F***ING PSYCHO NIGHTMARE.

I MEAN, THIS CHICK WAS BATS.

Little Wendy:

I'D BEEN DATING HIM

FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

I WAS YOUNG AND IN LOVE.

WE HAD JUST MOVED IN TOGETHER.

IT WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS

IN SPRING:

WHERE YOU JUST WAN TO STAY OUTSIDE ALL DAY.

Johnny:
I DON'T KNOW

IF YOU EVER LIVED IN NEW YORK,

BUT THERE'S THAT ONE DAY

IN SPRING:

WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE,

BAM--

TITTIES:

AND MIDRIFFS EVERYWHERE.

Little Wendy:

SO WE'RE HAVING A NICE WALK

WHEN THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL

WALKS PAST.

IT WAS WENDY.

I WAS YOUNG:

AND UNPREPARED FOR IT,

THEN THIS SMOKING CHICK

WALKED PAST,

WITH TITTIES FROM HELL.

I MEAN, BIG ONES,

BRAND-NEW, OUT ON DISPLAY,

SO I CATCH HER:

OUT THE CORNER OF MY EYE.

TIG OLD BITTIES!

Little Wendy:
AND THIS WAS

BEFORE I HAD MY B*OBS,

SO I WAS LITTLE BIT MORE

SENSITIVE ABOUT IT BACK THEN.

Johnny:

SHE JUST WENT F***ING CRAZY.

SO LATER THAT NIGH WE WERE AT THIS CLUB, RIGHT?

AND I SEE THIS CHICK AGAIN.

SO WE WENT INTO ONE OF

THOSE UNISEX BATHROOMS.

ANYWAYS, I'M IN THE STALL,

AND I'M GETTING A BLOWJ*B,

RIGHT?

AND SHE JUST BUST RIGHT IN.

Little Wendy:

I SAW WENDY IN THERE,

AND I DIDN'T KNOW HER NAME,

SO I JUST SCREAMED,

"TIG OLD BITTIES!

THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND."

Johnny:
AND THE OTHER ONE,

SHE SPAT ON ME--

MY OWN JIZZ!

YEAH, AND IT DOES BURN,

BY THE WAY.

BUT WENDY WAS NICE.

SHE DIDN'T KNOW.

SHE SAID SHE WAS SORRY,

AND WE BECAME FRIENDS.

AND WE ENDED UP MEETING FABIO

AND HAVING THIS CRAZY THREEWAY

BACK AT THE HOTEL.

( women laughing )

FABIO!

FABIO!

OH, WENDY, DON'T WORRY.

THERE'S PLENTY OF FABIO

TO GO AROUND.

FUNNY THING,

THEY WERE BOTH CALLED WENDY.

WENDY? THAT CHICK

THAT CAME OVER:

AND NEARLY GOT ME BUSTED

WAS NAMED WENDY.

YEAH, YVONNE'S

ALWAYS GOING ON:

ABOUT THE WENDYS.

WENDYS! OF COURSE.

IT WAS THEM ALL ALONG.

THOSE LITTLE B*TCHES.

JOHNNY EYELASH.

WE'RE GONNA TAKE HIM DOWN

ONCE AND FOR ALL.

HE STARTED ALL THIS,

AND WE'RE GONNA FINISH IT.

BUT TO DO IT, WE NEED TO MOVE

TO A NEW STAGE OF OUR LIVES.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS,

WENDY.

YES, I DO.

THE NUCLEAR OPTION.

JOHNNY!

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT'S UP, BRO?

THANK YOU.

YOU GOT IT.

JOHNNY EYELASH.

COME OVER HERE.

OKAY, WHAT THE F***

DO YOU TWO WANT?

OH, JOHNNY EYELASH.

ALWAYS THE CHARMER, AREN'T YA?

EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE CHEATING

ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

WHAT IS THIS,

ANOTHER ONE OF:

YOUR LITTLE SCHEMES

TO PULL OVER ON ME

AND MY BOYS?

NO. CALM DOWN.

WE'RE JUST EXTENDING

AN OLIVE BRANCH.

OH, REALLY?

COME AND SIT OVER HERE,

JOHNNY.

I'M OKAY RIGHT HERE,

THANKS.

OUCH.

OUCH.

VODKA GIMLET,

RIGHT?

THANK YOU.

SO HOW IS THE BOOB CREAM

BUSINESS?

IT'S GOING WELL, ACTUALLY.

THANK YOU FOR ASKING.

AND HOW IS:

YOUR "WORK" GOING?

GOOD.

YEAH?

WE HAVE A HOUSE.

SERIOUSLY?

YEAH.

AND A COMMITTEE.

YEAH, I HEARD ABOU THE COMMITTEE.

AND A BUNCH OF GIRLS.

SO WHAT, ARE YOU GUYS

DRINKING, TOO?

OR AM I ON MY OWN?

COME ON,

COME SIT OVER HERE.

OKAY.

UHH.

SO, JOHNNY, YOU REMEMBER

WHEN WE FIRST MET, RIGHT?

YEAH, I REMEMBER.

LET'S DO A TOAST.

OF COURSE I REMEMBER.

YOU WERE SO HOT.

ALL RIGHT, A TOAST.

( all speaking at once )

TO NEW TIMES.

AND OLD TIMES.

IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

IT WASN'T MY FINEST MOMENT,

SORRY.

YOU WANNA GET COZY, PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT.

WENDY, TELL HIM.

YEAH, WENDY, TELL HIM.

WE WANT A BABY.

( laughs )

SERIOUSLY?

YEAH. WE'RE SICK

OF ALL THE PARTIES

AND TRYING TO FIND

THE PERFECT GUY.

YOU WANT ME TO GET ONE

OF YOU TWO PREGNANT?

WENDY AND I:

LIKE EACH OTHER.

A LOT, IF YOU KNOW

WHAT I MEAN.

BUT WE BOTH:

STILL LIKE DICK.

SO HERE'S

WHAT WE'RE THINKING.

WHY DON'T WE

POOL OUR RESOURCES,

AND THE THREE OF US

MOVE IN TOGETHER?

THE THREE OF US:

LIVE TOGETHER?

UH-HUH.

OH, MY GOD.

WE ALL SLEEP TOGETHER,

BUT THE DEAL IS:

NONE OF US THREE

CAN SLEEP:

WITH ANYBODY ELSE.

AND TO KEEP THE BOND STRONG,

YOU HAVE TO MARRY ONE OF US,

AND GET THE OTHER ONE PREGNANT.

OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE...

MARRY?

UH-HUH.

DON'T YOU WANT A SON?

AND YOU GE TO SHOW US BOTH OFF,

ONE ON EACH ARM.

AND YOU GET YOUR CHOICE

OF SIX HOLES.

EVERY NIGHT.

EVERY NIGHT.

WE WILL F*** YOU

INTO LITTLE PIECES.

IN HALF.

UPSIDE-DOWN.

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

I WANNA GO FIRST.

HE LIKES ME BETTER.

I WANT TO SUCK IT.

NO, I WANT TO SUCK IT.

HEY, HEY, HEY, LADIES!

BULLSHIT,

YOU WENT LAST NIGHT.

YOU SUCKED IT FIRS THIS MORNING.

IT'S MY TURN.

OKAY, OKAY, LADIES,

DON'T BE GREEDY.

YOU CAN SHARE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU GET THE LEFT SIDE,

YOU GET THE RIGHT SIDE.

ONE BALL EACH.

AND, GO.

( women giggling )

OKAY.

WHOA, SLOW IT DOWN.

BUT YOU CAN'T CHEAT.

NEVER.

OR YOU'LL PAY.

NO WAY.

LOOK, I COULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER

THIS KIND OF AN ARRANGEMENT.

AND I WOULD NEVER CHEAT.

NEVER.

NO WAY.

Max:

WITHIN THREE MONTHS,

THE FIRST PART OF THEIR PLAN

WAS COMPLETE.

HE WAS MARRIED TO ONE,

GOT THE OTHER ONE PREGNANT,

AND THEY ALL LIVED

UNDER THE SAME ROOF.

AND FOR A WHILE,

JOHNNY WAS FAITHFUL

AND HAPPY WITH HIS

SIX-HOLE ARRANGEMENT.

BUT THESE GIRLS WERE SNEAKY.

IT WAS ALL JUST A SETUP

FOR THE FINAL PHASE

OF THE NUCLEAR OPTION.

ALL RIGHT,

LET'S GET THIS

OVER WITH.

THIS IS A GOOD THING.

I KNOW.

THIS IS A GREAT THING!

OHH. VERONICA?

YEAH,

OPERATION CHEATING HEAR IS A GO.

TELL HER:

TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

NOT THAT HE'S GONNA

TAKE IT, BUT...

GO EASY ON HIM, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT, VERONICA,

SO BASICALLY YOU'RE GOING TO

APPLY IT TO THE WHOLE SCAR

AND JUST WAIT FOR IT TO DRY

BEFORE YOU GET DRESSED.

IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE.

HERE, LET ME.

UM, WHICH ONE SHOULD

I PUT IT ON?

BOTH.

I THINK I PUT TOO MUCH.

THAT'S FINE.

JUST APPLY A THIN LAYER.

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