Holy Flying Circus Page #9

The question I put to you...

Could you really put your hand

on your heart

and say that film is going to help

the younger generation

in its pilgrimage for truth?

And the lampooning of Christ's death

is the most disgraceful part

of the whole thing.

You have succeeded

in reducing something

which has inspired

the greatest art

into something which is

presented in terms of

the lowest art. That's your feat!

That's your achievement!

My face! My beautiful face!

Oh, yes!

I have just come in my pants.

You're not funny! Go on, Mike!

Give him what for!

Please don't.

Stay out of it, Rice! This is gold!

Sit down or join in or f*** off!

Oh, I do love physical comedy.

What's going on?

I think we might be in

Michael Palin's fantasy sequence.

Oh, piss on me through a sieve!

Another fantasy sequence?

This is lame.

Gentlemen, I'm going to

have to call a halt.

I think you've made people happy

and made them think

and made them laugh.

APPLAUSE:

Although you will get

your thirty pieces of silver.

Of that I'm quite sure.

That's ridiculously harsh.

Ow! F***.

R-really. YAHTZEE!

KRANKL! IT'S ALL OVER!

Is that a Bafta in my pocket?

No, I'm just pleased to see me.

And I've got a massive erection.

..you're seeing it in those terms

and it's utterly tragic.

Utterly tragic.

Gentlemen, thank you.

Now here's Paul Jones and

his Blues Band with Boom Boom,

Out Go The Lights.

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

Damn and blast it all to hell!

You OK, Mike?

Pissed off?

I can put you in touch

with a very good therapist.

Mike. Sorry. Joke.

Couldn't resist. Sorry.

I understand why you're angry,

of course I do. They didn't listen.

They didn't debate.

They just shouted us down

and played to the gallery.

We took it seriously and

they took the piss. I know.

And I thought you were going

to be swaggering and offensive.

Yes, well, I was kidding about that.

Shame.

It might actually have been useful

out there. You've changed your tune.

They mauled us, John.

They tore us to shreds.

Come for a drink.

No. No? No. No?

NO!

Why? Don't mock me, John.

All right, I'm not in the mood!

I do...

love you, M-Mike.

I know you! You're Michael Palin.

Yes. You been doing some more of

your TV show? The Flying Circus one?

No. Probably just as well.

It was very hit and miss, wasn't it?

That's the problem with

sketch shows - very hit and miss.

So what were you doing then?

I've been on a debate.

Sorry, can we just go?

Oh, yeah? Life of Brian thing is it?

You want to know what I think?

I think that sounds pretty

bloody offensive, actually.

I mean, I haven't seen it.

But I don't think people should

have to see it. Do you know what?

I couldn't give a sh*t. So just shut

the f*** up, do your f***ing job,

drive me home and don't be a cu...

I know you!

You're Michael Palin.

Yes.

You're my wife's favourite, you are.

She loves you.

Thank you.

It's nice to feel loved.

Oh, come on!

What are you laughing at?

Your faces, you idiots.

You didn't come off badly out of it.

They did.

Wahey! The champion!

Well done, couldn't have

gone any better for us.

So, where's Mike?

Gone home.

Why? Bit miffed.

BISHOP'S STORTFORD!

That was aw-aw-aw...

Awe-inspiring? Thank you, love.

Pretty good display, I thought,

seeing as we saw the film

for the first time today

and we missed

the first fifteen minutes.

Oh, I see.

So you missed the part of the film

where the wise men go to visit

Brian, thinking he's Jesus

then realise their mistake

and go to visit Jesus?

Oh.

Yes.

So you make it clear

that Brian isn't Jesus?

Yes.

Great show, guys! Best piece

of television I have ever seen.

Thought you'd be funnier.

But still, great to see Michael

looking so angry. Unmissable.

Oh, well, there you go. All's well.

I'm sorry to say this

because I don't like conflict

but I thought

you behaved disgracefully.

You didn't represent us

or our beliefs.

Have you seen the film?

No.

But rest assured, we'll be going to

the first screening in the morning

and making up our own minds.

You don't need to

make up your own minds.

The Church has spoken for you.

I think we'll do what we

think is right. Thank you.

Good man.

Won't you join us for a drink?

Oh, love. You're squashing me.

Sorry, love.

What was that for?

You won.

Really? Absolutely.

You absolutely won.

But...we were serious and they

did jokes and made fun of us.

Yes. It was weird.

But that's part of why you won.

It was good you took it seriously.

And they looked very silly.

Oh, Michael, it was awful.

Yes, Mum. No, I mean THEY were awful.

What awful men.

They were complete bullies.

I can see what you meant, Michael.

You can criticise religion...

it's not all perfect.

Thanks, Mum.

Ooh, what a face though.

Thanks, Mum. Glass of sherry?

'I am writing in my diary.

'The camera is tracking

slowly towards me.

'I am thinking about

summing things up because

it will be the end credits soon.

'I look meaningfully

out of the window for a moment.

'I suppose this particular

episode is nearly at an end.

'Nearly...'

Hello, Michael.

Hello.

I'm sorry to say I'm not sure

I believe in you any more.

Oh, well, I suppose that's

the sort of intellectual, fashionable

thing of the moment, isn't it?

I hope you're not offended. Oh,

good lord no, God is love and so on.

So is it over now?

This conflict between religious

institutions and freedom of speech?

Um...No.

Oh. Won't people get less

offended by jokes at least?

Oh, no.

No. No no no no no.

You see, the trouble is, Michael...

and this doesn't apply

to you, of course,

but a lot of people

aren't very nice.

So what happens?

Well, where do I begin?

Satanic Verses, Jerry Springer

the Opera, Danish cartoons,

South Park, Richard Dawkin.

None of this makes any sense to you

whatsoever, does it? Not really.

Never mind, it will probably form

the basis of the ending of some

rather heavy-handed BBC Four drama.

Gosh! Is there a BBC Four

in the future?

The BBC must be doing

very well for itself.

(HE LAUGHS) No, you couldn't

be further from the truth.

I am dreaming this, aren't I?

Yes. You should stay off the cheese.

MUSIC:
"Black And White"

by Three Dog Night

The ink is black, the page is white

Together we learn to read and write

A child is black, a child is white

The whole world

looks upon the sight

A beautiful sight

And now at last we plainly see

The alphabet of liberty

Liberty

The world is black,

the world is white

It turns by day

and then by night...

Ow!

You know, I think we'd think

twice about it now.

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