Home Alone Page #5

Even though sometimes I say I don't.

Sometimes I even think I don't.

- Do you get that?

- I think so.

How you feel about family

is a complicated thing.

Especially with an older brother.

Deep down, you'll always love him.

But you can forget that you love him.

You can hurt them, they can hurt you.

That's not just because you're young.

You want to know the real

reason why I'm here?

Sure.

I came to hear my granddaughter sing.

I can't come hear her tonight.

You have plans?

No.

I'm not welcome.

At church?

You're always welcome at church.

I'm not welcome with my son.

Years back, before you and your family

moved on the block...

...I had an argument with my son.

How old is he?

He's grown up.

We lost our tempers, and I said

I didn't care to see him anymore.

He said the same, and we haven't

spoken to each other since.

If you miss him,

why don't you call him?

I'm afraid if I call,

he won't talk to me.

How do you know?

I don't know.

I'm just afraid.

No offense, but aren't you

a little old to be afraid?

You can be old for a lot of things.

- You're never too old to be afraid.

- That's true.

I was afraid of our basement.

It's dark. There's weird stuff

down there, and it smells funny.

That sort of thing.

It's bothered me for years.

Basements are like that.

I made myself go down

to do some laundry...

...and I found out it's not so bad.

I worried about it, but if you

turn on the lights, it's no big deal.

What's your point?

My point is,

you should call your son.

- What if he won't talk to me?

- At least you'll know.

Then you could stop worrying about it.

You won't have to be afraid anymore.

No matter how mad I was, I'd talk to

Dad. Especially around the holidays.

I don't know.

Just give it a shot.

For your granddaughter anyway.

I'm sure she misses you.

And the presents.

I send her a check.

I wish my grandparents did that.

They always send me clothes.

Last year I got a sweater

with a bird knitted on it.

Oh, that's nice.

Not for a guy in the second grade.

You can get beat up for wearing

something like that.

I have a friend who got nailed...

...because there was a rumor

he wore dinosaur pajamas.

You better run home where you belong.

Think about what I said.

- All right?

- Okay.

It's nice talking to you.

Nice talking to you.

- What about you?

- Me?

Yeah. You and your son.

We'll see what happens.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

This is my house.

I have to defend it.

We'll check it out.

We can come back for the truck.

How do you want to go in?

We'll go to the back door.

Maybe he'll let us in.

Yeah, he's a kid. Kids are stupid.

Bless this nutritious, microwaveable

macaroni and cheese dinner...

...and the people who sold

it on sale.

This is it. Don't get scared now.

Merry Christmas, little fella.

We know that you're in there,

and that you're all alone.

Yeah, come on, kid. Open up.

It's Santy Claus and his elf.

We're not gonna hurt you.

No, no. Got some nice

presents for you.

Be a good little fella now

and open the door.

What?

What? What?

What?

- What happened?

- Get that little...

Hello.

Yes! Yes!

The little jerk is armed!

That's it! I'm going in the front.

You go down the basement!

Oh, boy. That's it, you little...

You little...

No, not this time, you little brat.

You little creep, where are you?

Yes!

- Rip his head off...!

You're dead, kid.

Where are you, you little creep?!

Harry, I'm coming in!

Oh, no! I'm really scared.

It's too late for you, kid, we're

in the house. We're gonna get you.

Okay, come and get me!

Why, you...!

Now you're dead!

I'm gonna kill that kid!

Why'd you take your shoes off?

Why are you dressed like a chicken?

I'm up here, you morons.

Come and get me.

You guys give up, or are you

thirsty for more?

Heads up!

Don't worry, Marv.

I'll get him for you.

Yes!

He's only a kid, Harry.

We can take him.

Ah, shut up, will you?

What is it?

You're missing some teeth.

Where? It's my gold tooth.

My gold tooth. I'll kill him.

I'll kill him!

You bomb me with

one more can, kid...

...and I'll snap off your cojones

and boil them in motor oil!

911 emergency.

Hello, my house is being robbed.

My address is 656 Lincoln Boulevard.

My name is Murphy.

You never know what's up there.

There he is!

I got you! I got him, Harry.

I got him.

Harry, give me a hand!

I got him!

Harry, help me. Get up!

I got him.

What are you doing?

Harry, don't move.

Don't move.

Marv, what are you doing?

Did I get him?

Did I get him?!

Where is it? Where is it?

Never mind that. Here!

How do you like it, huh? You jerk!

Get that kid, before l...

Get that kid!

Where'd he go?

Maybe he committed suicide.

Down here, you big horse's ass!

Come get me before I call the police.

- Let's get him!

- Wait, wait.

It's just what he wants us to do:

Go back through his fun house

so we get all tore up.

He's gonna call the cops!

From a tree house?!

Come on.

Out the window?

I'm not going out the window.

Why, you scared? Are you afraid?

Come on, get out here.

Come on.

Come on!

- Come on. Keep going.

- Let's go back, Harry.

Shut it, Marv.

Hey, guys!

Check this out.

Go back. Go back.

There he is!

Hey, I'm calling the cops!

Wait, wait!

He wants us to follow him.

I got a better idea. Come on.

Hiya, pal.

We outsmarted you this time.

Get over here!

What are you gonna do, Harry?

I'll do exactly what he did to us.

Burn his head with a blowtorch.

I'll smash his face with an iron.

I'd like to slap him

in the face with a paint can!

Shove a nail through his foot!

I'm gonna bite off every one of

these little fingers, one at a time.

Come on. Let's get you home.

Wow! This is great.

Nice move,

leaving the water running.

Now we know each and every house

that you've hit.

We've been looking for you guys

for a long time.

Yeah. Well, remember,

we're the "Wet Bandits."

- Wet Bandits, that's W-E-T...

- Shut up! Get in the car!

Hey, come on. Come on.

- Hand off the head, pal!

- Come on.

I'm a bad parent. I'm a bad parent.

No, you're not.

You're beating yourself up there.

This happens.

These things happen, you know.

You want to talk about bad parents?

Look at us.

We're on the road 48, 49 weeks a year.

We hardly see our families.

Joe, over there. Gosh, you know...

...he forgets his kids' names

half the time.

Ziggy over there,

he's never even met his kid.

Eddy... Let's just hope

none of them write a book about him.

Tell me, have you gone on vacation

and left your child home?

No.

But I did leave one

at a funeral parlor once.

Yeah, it was terrible too.

I was all distraught and everything.

The wife and I, we left the little

tyke there in the funeral parlor.

All day. You know, we went

back at night, when we...

...came to our senses,

there he was.

Apparently, he was there

all day with a corpse.

Now, he was okay.

You know, after six, seven weeks.

He came around

and started talking again.

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