Home Sweet Hell Page #6

Oh, great, you did.

- How is she? Is she okay?

- No, she's dead.

And in addition to poor Dusty...

...there was another young woman

they stabbed to death...

...with a Samurai sword

right through her mid-section.

Like a kabob of sorts. It was disgusting.

Kabob...

Like a kabob with seepage.

Well, did you catch them?

Two of them.

Both dead.

One of them's still on the loose.

But don't worry, We'll get him.

Okay.

We love what you've done

with your lawn, Don.

- Oh, thanks.

- Muffy! Any chance you'd like to come by...

...and have a refreshing beverage with us

and talk fertilizers?

Yeah, I'd love... No, you know.

You don't want to know

what I'm going to do...

...if I catch this dog

on my property again, ladies.

Okay, Mona.

She's just kidding.

- Bye.

- Yeah, we'll see you.

Chief, can I interest you in some dinner?

I've cooked up some artichokes.

Work's kind of been piling up on me,

so...

- Well, maybe next time.

- Maybe.

Maybe next time, chief.

Listen, Don, something else came up...

...we thought

you might be able to help us out with.

Yep. What's that?

Well, you see, Don, it turns out that...

Some girls over at that lodge

where them fellas did their business...

...they described someone

that looked just like you.

Me?

Came in there a couple days ago.

I'm not gonna lie to you, chief,

because, you don't deserve to be lied to.

I'm gonna come perfectly clean

because that's the Don Champagne way.

I was having an affair with Dusty...

...and one day her boyfriend

comes into the store...

...and demands to be paid

or he's gonna tell Mona.

So that's why I went to the "lodge."

To pay him off.

- Is that the boyfriend?

- That's him. Yeah.

I see.

- Chief, if Mona finds out...

- Oh, I know.

- I know. We don't want Mona to find out.

- No, we don't.

Because then that would be

another dead body I'd have to look into.

Your parents gonna be here tomorrow

for Andrew's birthday?

I don't think

they're gonna be able to make it.

But they'll be here soon enough...

...so make sure the yard

is in perfect order anyway.

Do you think they did anything to you

when you were younger?

Who?

Your parents.

What are you talking about?

You know. Something bad.

To make you the way that you are.

And how's that, Don?

It's an honest question, Mona.

How dare you?

I am your husband.

If you can't tell me, who can you tell?

- There's nothing to tell!

- Okay.

I have...

I have a medical condition...

...but it's not because of my parents.

Well, it usually starts

with the upbringing, that's all.

Oh, God.

Oh, honey, honey, honey.

My parents never did anything to me.

My parents are perfect parents.

They never hit me. They never hurt me...

Sweetie, come here, come here.

Come here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Damn it.

I didn't...

They're very hard on you. On us.

And I just... I shouldn't have said it.

And it's just...

It's just been a little crazy lately.

That's all.

I love you, Don.

I love you too.

But if you ever talk to

me like that again...

I will end you.

I will get one of the knives...

...out of my bedside drawer...

...and I will gut you...

...and dismember you...

...like that wench you screwed.

Do you understand, Don Champagne?

Yeah. I understand.

- Good.

- Okay.

We need to discuss

the Les and A.J. situation...

...before the party tomorrow.

Focus, Don. This is important.

That family thinks they're better than us.

I won't have Andrew

compete against a child on steroids.

It's ruining his self-confidence.

He's not on steroids, Mona.

He's just a big-boned kid.

We've been through this.

Well,

if we don't get rid of them tomorrow...

...then when will we get rid of them?

What do you mean, "get rid of"?

Come on, A.J. Come on, you'll break it!

Come on, A.J.

Swing it like you swing that baseball bat!

Hit it!

Come on, focus. You can break it. Hit it!

Wait Wait. Wait.

Easy! It's just a game.

I am this close...

...to telling the Little League committee

about your scam.

Ten years old? Who are we kidding?

What are you inferring?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Your kid is a cheater!

And you're an alcoholic.

I can smell the booze

seeping out of your fat pores right now.

- You can't talk to him like that!

- Abby, Abby.

I'm glad you have Crohn's.

I hope you sh*t yourself to death.

Mona, you... You're just unstable.

I'm coming, honey.

- Hit it, Andrew.

- It's okay.

Hit it, Andrew!

- There you go, you got this.

- Come on.

- Great job, Andrew.

- That's right, come on.

Come on, buddy.

Hit it harder! Yes!

Yes! Yay, you did it!

It's your lack of focus, Andrew.

Shut up, Allison.

Good girl. You're so strong.

Get some candy.

Hey.

I love you.

- I see that.

- Yeah.

Hey. Where you going?

What is it?

I need you to keep an eye

on Lanny at the grill.

- He's supposed to be watching it.

- But I wanna get my Frisbee...

I'll grab it. Just go on out there,

keep an eye on him. I don't trust him.

Okay.

- Sweetheart?

- Yeah?

Maybe we should go on vacation.

Get away from all this madness.

I'd like that very much.

Good. I'll put it on the calendar.

Hey, Mona?

Would you mind

going out to the fridge in the garage...

...and getting me some ground beef?

I gotta go check on the grill.

Of course, sugar.

- Love you.

- Love you.

More than the moon and the stars.

Help! Help!

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