Home Sweet Hell Page #5

You are so much more

than just a furniture salesman, Don.

You are my husband.

You are the father of my children.

Mona, come on.

You need to pull yourself together.

I don't know how to fix this.

I know where Dusty lived.

- How?

- I followed her.

Right.

So these guys probably live there too.

We can't kill anyone else.

Hey, there's a private room.

- You must be Hot Carl.

- What?

You like big titties?

You know, yeah.

- Right?

- This way, buddy.

Well, well, well.

I'm Don Champagne.

Why don't you shake the hand

that's gonna shock the world.

What happened to your hand?

I actually... I dropped a couch on it.

Was it heavy?

It was heavy. Yeah.

So, Don, I'm sure that little slut

told you all about us, didn't she?

She told me enough.

- Did she tell you how big my dick was?

- We did not get into specifics about that.

It's big.

- Is that right?

- Yeah. It is big.

The p*ssy or the dick?

Does that b*tch have my money?

Yes.

- Can I trust the furniture man?

- Oh, yeah.

Yeah?

Don, did you happen

to bring any police with you?

- No way.

- No way?

No way. I wanna take care of this today.

I wanna end this.

You're a smart guy, Don.

I've got a lot of faith in you.

Here you go. This one's on the house.

Those are drugs.

No sh*t, Don. It's meth.

That is gonna get you high.

Now, Don, you're gonna do this,

and then I'll trust you. You don't...

I have a genetic mitral valve prolapse.

I can't even drink coffee.

You're such a f***ing p*ssy.

Okay.

Life is about risk, Don.

I can't, I don't, I don't...

Do you need me to?

How about you shut the f*** up

and do a line, Don.

Okay.

Okay. Line of meth.

- It's the crystal meth?

- Yeah. Crystal, like champagne.

I have always wondered what it was like.

One deep breath. Plug the other nostril.

Don't embarrass yourself.

Look at that!

That burns! That really burns.

That's because it's cut

with Tide and peyote, son!

Why?

Give it a couple minutes.

You're gonna be f***ed.

Now, Don.

Don, I wanna know where my girl is.

She left town to Dallas.

Are you in love, Don?

I'm in love with my wife.

How's your wife feel...

...about you burying your beef

inside my girl?

She doesn't know

and she can never find out.

That's why I'm here.

Well, guess what? That's up to me.

- It is?

- Yeah.

What can I do? I'll do anything.

You just let me know.

Well, Don,

since that little skank left town...

...you're on the hook with my money.

You understand me? Yeah?

I feel like my heart's about to explode.

- You're okay.

- It's okay?

- It's probably... You're good.

- It'll pass? Okay.

I don't understand what he's saying.

Don, you can sell your car,

your life insurance...

- ...but I want it by tomorrow.

- But what?

- I want my 20,000, Don. Yeah.

- Yeah.

Or I'm gonna rape your wife

and make you watch.

- And then your daughter.

- And then your son.

And then you.

With that big cock of mine.

Wow, look at that champagne.

Pleasure's all mine.

- What are you doing outside?

- The windows are just filthy.

We need to leave.

- What did he say?

- Right now. We have to go.

Slow down. What did he say?

He said that we have to give him

20,000 dollars...

...or he's gonna rape us.

- He said he was going to rape us?

- Yeah, the whole family.

At the same time?

What is wrong with you?

They made me do crystal meth!

- The drug?

- Yeah.

I think it's the Tide.

- Up your nose?

- Yeah.

Well, did he ask about the girl?

I told her... I told him

that she ran off to Dallas.

- That's good, honey. That's very good.

- So, what should we do now?

Well, we're gonna have to dig her up,

of course.

And we'll have to drop the kids

at the Buckleys' for a sleepover.

You've gotta drive!

You're sure they are not here?

Yes. He called. I've gotta meet him

in about a half an hour at the office.

The office?

The strip club.

Why exactly did you bring a Zorro mask?

I've been up for 29 hours.

I am dressed for a covert operation.

I'm gonna blend in with the night.

- Stop it!

- What?

- I will do this.

- No, you won't!

- Yes, I want to do this.

- No, I want to do it more.

You've gotta let me, Mona.

That's not fair.

Listen to me. You cannot handle this.

It's okay. It's okay.

I'm the strong one.

I have come to accept that.

That's not fair, Mona.

I think I've done really well

under the circumstances.

You can't even do a commercial

without overly sweating and mumbling!

Now, I love you. I'll be back in a flash.

God, this b*tch is heavy!

Should've gone in. Should've gone!

"I'll do it! I can do it!

I'm gonna do it, Mona! I'm gonna do it!"

"No! You stay and I will go!"

"I will go!"

That's what you should have said.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

That's it.

Look alive, Champagne. Look alive.

Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. No, Mona.

Get out of there, honey. Oh, God.

Come on, come on.

Back, are you back, are you back?

What? What? No, no, no!

Goddamn it, Mona,

why didn't you take your phone?

Come on.

Come here.

You ever been with a Scottish man?

I've got a surprise for you.

I can't get a little first?

Right back!

Dirty South B*tch!

- You got a video camera?

- What?

Hi.

Hi.

Wow, you smell fantastic.

Thank you. It's Chanel.

Are you my surprise?

Yes.

You taste like gummy bears.

Sh*t! I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go.

- Who the hell are you?

- I love her.

- Who is this, Lynn?

- My surprise.

No, no, no. I was just getting

my gold-plated cock ring.

Hey, get off!

Hold on. I've seen you before.

Yeah, I have.

Get off!

You gotta go, you gotta go. Sh*t!

The furniture woman.

The furniture woman.

What are you doing in my house?

Answer me!

Oh, there you are.

Holy sh*t.

We need to go right now.

Yes, I'd like to report a disturbance.

Oh, f***. What is it, man?

I'm banging Kelly.

I'm bleeding really bad, bro.

- What?

- All over my favorite kilt.

What the f*** are you talking about?

The furniture people...

Get off me, get off.

The wife...

That wife was not a very good person.

The furniture store lady?

What the f*** are you talking about?

- Freeman? What?

- I'm dying.

- You're dying? What the f***'s going on?

- Hurry home, bro.

Freeman! F***!

Oh, no.

Freeman?

Freeman!

Oh, no.

Oh, God.

- White picket fence motherfuckers.

- He say the furniture man did this?

- He said she did it.

- The wife?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

They stabbed British Lynn with a sword.

- What's wrong with those people?

- Monsters.

She's dead, Murphy.

She's dead.

Freeman's dead too.

He bled out. Look at him.

- Look, at him, Murphy!

- Benji!

You need to pull yourself together, okay?

I can't think

with you crying like a little b*tch.

All right.

I did not see this coming.

Jesus Christ.

F***!

It's a set-up, man. It's a f***ing set up!

Freeze! Throw down your weapons!

- Hey, chief!

- Don.

That sure is a pretty shine you got there.

Mona's orders.

So how goes it? What do you know?

Well, Don,

I figured I'd come by here personally...

...to let you know we found Dusty.

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