Homies Page #2

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thinks he's a born leader...

...and sees everything in his life

as a mission.

He usually also embellishes the truth...

...which places him squarely

in the category of storyteller.

I never wank in the shower,

that's Sebas.

Sebas.

And this is Sebas.

Sebas has an online shop...

...with gadgets

and spy shop equipment no-one needs.

Like a lamp with a camera, but the film

is always overexposed because of it.

A microphone in a blow-dryer,

that kind of thing.

It makes doing business tough,

but clear.

'No customers, no trouble,'.

That's his motto.

And like any freelancing entrepreneur,

his days are planned in wank sessions.

Whoa, dude, were you jerking off?

Is that my laptop? If there's any sperm

on my keyboard...

Leave him alone. He's not involved.

Sebas. Time to pay up, my boy.

- Yes, yes, yes.

What the f*** is going on?

- Let's stay calm for a moment.

Stay calm? Shut up.

- Girls, I'm trying to ring...

What the f*** happened to the door?

Is he jerking off again?

What kind of bullshit is this?

What the f***?

OK, I'll take care of it for you.

I give you all one week.

To pay up..

We've got other things to do, get it?

- I promise...

Hey, we made a deal about fireworks...

- Now cut the bullshit.

Boys...

If I were you,

I'd help your friend here.

Because if he fucks it up...

...all of you will wake up one day

at the bottom of the IJ River...

...with a concrete stake

around your waist.

Sir, we have nothing to do with this.

Is he a friend of yours?

Yes.

Then you are going to help him,

because he is a lazy sod.

So from now on

you have everything to do with this.

Do you get that?

You get seven days to get the money.

Call me when you have it.

Catch, wanker.

I think I swallowed Elvis.

OK, I'll fill you in, but promise me

you won't get mad. OK?

Do you mind if I hear your story first?

Let him tell us.

Every conflict has a solution.

OK, a few weeks ago

I was in the VIP lounge of the Paloma.

Picking up chicks,

you know how it is.

I thought I was doing all right...

Suddenly there were screams.

So I thought:

Oh no, not on my watch, my friend.

Not with me there.

I know what it means. Go on.

So I walk over to him, grab him

and he tries to box me in the head.

So I give him a full-on head butt.

So he goes down.

How was I to know, he was going to buy

drugs from that Russian.

But Sebas...

- You never fight, right?

Was that at Beatz & Blondjes?

-Yes.

I was there, you knob.

You were drunk at the bar.

Cut the bullshit

and tell us what happened.

OK, I was f***ing drunk.

I was at the bar,

I had given up the chase.

Suddenly I see a chick...

...straight out of a porno movie

and she was totally eye-balling me.

So I walk over...

- You don't have to tell it in real time.

Why was a raging, gun-toting Russian

in my house?

I get it, but let him tell this part.

- So you walk over.

So I walk over.

She starts rubbing my dick

and kissing me and sh*t.

I'm thinking about penalties,

so I won't cum in my pants.

This chick was a total nympo.

Nympo?

- Sex addict.

Nympho.

- Yes. That.

Well done, old man. Nice.

This reminds me of a model

I dated briefly.

A model?

- You never mentioned her.

We had something really special.

Yes, it reminds of my threesome

with Mila Kunis and Scarlett Johansson.

Really?

- Seriously?

Of course not, you moron.

Can we please stick to Sebas' story?

So I'm thinking:
I'm taking this chick

home, to tame her vaginally...

...and make her scream

and have her lick my...

Sebas!

When her thick-necked boyfriend

appeared with fists like tennis rackets.

How was I to know the nympo

had a boyfriend?

That man was about to purchase

a suitcase full of coke.

But after a blow from that

body-building, thick-necked monster...

...he was in no mood to buy those drugs.

And then?

- What do you mean: and then?

There is a huge gap

between the disco story...

...and when the KGB fired bullets

into our sofa.

You're scared, I get it.

When I got my first death threat

in Iraq...

...I thought I'd go crazy...

- Mark.

And then I promised to sell those drugs.

What?

I had to say something.

They were very aggressive.

I have nothing to do with this.

You do now.

You think I'm going to miss out

on that money because of you?

I'll find a solution for you.

I decide when I let someone screw me.

Yes, indeed she does.

- And nobody else.

OK, you'll get your money in two weeks,

I swear.

What? Two weeks?

No, there's only one week left.

I had to say something.

Yes, of course

you had to say something.

You have a webshop

where you can easily sell hard drugs.

How much?

- And dealing is legal nowadays.

Silence. How much is it?

- I don't know.

What is it worth?

- I'm not a dealer.

You're not?

I believe our Russian friends disagree.

Boys, let's stay calm

and see what we've got here.

Yes. We have to gather all the facts...

...so we can write down

an good air-tight plan.

Where is the cocaine now?

Jesus.

Well?

Exactly 22 kilos.

-22 kilos. Of course.

I've had 22 kilos of coke

in my house all week.

F*** my life.

Sophie was right about you.

What is it worth?

- I don't even want to know.

-950 euros?

Thousand. 950,000.

That is almost a million.

Holy sh*t.

- Great.

Sorry, is this the Timo we all know?

- I didn't believe it either. So changed.

Iran into him, guess what I did.

What?

- I didn't look at him at all.

Saar, no-one cares if you look at them

or not.

What do you mean?

- Maybe they think you didn't see them.

People feel it when I do it.

Believe me.

I don't really believe him.

- People can change, right?

Yes, but he's tweaked the truth before.

- That's true.

But usually because Sebas fooled him.

- Speaking of Sebas.

Saar.

- At least Ferry's honest.

And Ferry has an Audi 4x0,

Timo doesn't.

Saar, that's the logo.

So what?

I thought he was a nice guy.

He had this wonderful energy.

Yes, but Ferry is better for me.

- Definitely.

But I'm happy for him.

- What?

That Timo has sorted out his life.

Perhaps we should go to the police.

Are you mad? Judging by his accent,

the man is from Georgia.

You cannot f*** with them.

Besides, chances are

they have a man with the police.

And if they find out

that we talked to the police...

...one day you'll find

your mum's dog hanging from a rope...

...with his guts

protruding from his belly.

Wait, how do you know all this?

I did some mercenary work

during a Balkan conflict one time.

Interesting. Especially since Georgia

is near Armenia and Azerbaijan...

...nearly 2500 kilometers from the Balkan.

Why don't you shut your face. Unless

you have something useful to say.

WE ARE PROUD OF YOU.

'SOOF AND FER'.

Why don't we just sell the stuff?

Sell it? Of course,

why didn't we think of that before?

Wait, let me check under D for dealer.

Or the J for junkies, or perhaps

we can sell it on eBay.

We're talking 22 kilos of cocaine,

not f***ing charity items.

Sorry, I can't be of any help,

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