Horrible Bosses 2 Page #12

and I don't give a sh*t.

- Why are you here? What do you want?

- I think you know what I want.

No, I'm not gonna sleep with you.

Why can't this crazy b*tch

get it through her head?

- Keep it respectful. Sorry.

- Are you kidding me?

- Don't call her that.

- I'm gonna make this simple.

I'm gonna call the police

and send you to jail.

- Don't do that.

- Come on.

Unless Dale plows me.

Why? Why me?

What is so special about me?

That's a fair question.

Everybody's wondering.

- I am.

- Did you ever collect anything, Dale?

- Don't get him going on this.

- What do I collect?

- Tons of stuff.

- Encyclopedia Brown?

- New Beanie Babies, makes no sense.

- Battlestar Galactica.

- Fine. I collect some stuff. Why?

- Okay, well, I collect c*cks.

- Cogs?

- Julia.

- "C*cks."

- Oh, yeah. Well...

Mm-hm. Right up here.

I've got quite an impressive trophy room

filled with c*cks.

- We're in there.

- Don't.

And at night, when I close my eyes...

...I reflect on them...

...I alphabetize them...

...I dust them.

Why are they dusty?

But there's one little problem, Dale.

See that space?

That empty space above the fireplace?

- See that?

- You got a cock missing?

That's reserved

for the only man who's ever said no to this.

Since I was 11 years old.

That's you, Dale.

My white whale.

Oh, okay. Well, I appreciate that.

I really do. That's sweet, I guess.

But, hey, here's an idea.

My friend Kurt here loves to plow.

- And maybe he could jump in for me--

- Absolutely.

I could pinch-plow. I got a real green thumb.

We all know this is just the addiction talking.

If you're looking for more than a quick fix...

...I can provide you something

that's very meaningful, long-lasting.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about us.

- Us? All of us?

- No.

- That's even better.

- No.

More the merrier. I love this idea.

You got a lot of stuff sticking out.

I got a lot of holes going in.

At one point of the night, you'd better

make sure that, that one is in this one.

- Thank you.

- That's not what I meant. You misunderstood.

I'm gonna go freshen up. Why don't you guys

suck each other off to get ready?

- Here we go.

- What are you doing?

What? She's making us f*** her.

- I'm not gonna f*** anyone.

- Thank you.

I'm willing to make love to her,

if that's required.

- Are you serious?

- Uh, can I borrow this razor?

Yeah. Go nuts.

Any requests? Landing strip? Dinner roll?

Uh, whatever's there.

We're in a rush. Thanks.

- Hmm.

- I don't wanna commit adultery on my wife.

No, it's not adultery if you're doing it

to save your family. Okay?

You think Stacy and your girls

are gonna wait for you...

- ...while you're in prison for 30 years?

- They're not.

Can't we just come up

with some kind of plan, though?

Oh, yes. Absolutely.

I got a plan. Okay, here we go. Um, areas.

I'll go butt, face, puss.

I cannot go in the puss.

That'll make me the most guilty.

- Good call. How about this? Butt, face, puss.

- That's where I should be.

I'm talking about a way where--

That's good.

If we're switching positions,

she'll lose track of who's where.

- Like the shell game.

- Three-card Monte. Exactly.

I can motorboat her boobies

and then smack on her butt.

So long as nothing is done

in a cheap or degrading way.

- We'll be as sensitive as Dr. Phil.

- I don't know if I can f*** this woman.

- Think about your wife and girls.

- I'll think about my girls. I can get it done.

- Ha.

- All right?

- Stacy.

- Oh, no.

- How did you find me?

- Been there a while?

Find My iPhone.

- I knew you were cheating on me.

- No, I'm not.

- He's not. We're trying to stay out of prison.

- Prison?

No one's going to prison.

- Because we were gonna kidnap someone.

- Kidnapping?

- No. First, the man kidnapped himself.

- That's right.

- He forced us--

- Dale wouldn't even do puss.

- I didn't even wanna do the puss.

- I chose ass both times.

I said puss will make me the most guilty.

You're not helping me! Shut up!

Look, uh, this is such a stupid thing, honey.

And easy, and nothing sexual

is even happening here.

Come on, Dale,

this p*ssy isn't gonna eat itself.

- Julia?

- Stacy.

And the babies.

Look at those babies.

Oh, Dale, they look just like you.

- Listen to me.

- You are sick.

- I'm not sick. Please. Can I just--?

- Do not follow me. Do not follow me.

You f***ing b*tch.

Sorry. Really didn't mean for that to happen.

Okay, Julia. You wanna f***?

Yeah. Heh.

Why not, right? My marriage is over.

It's basically ruined.

So how about I ruin that p*ssy?

That sound good?

- No, no, no. You're face.

- I'm puss.

- Yeah.

- No, no, no. This one's all mine.

What?

- Let's do it. Let's do it in the shower.

- Attaboy.

Is that what you want?

Nice and wet in here.

- I can't save my marriage from prison.

- No, you can't.

- Great, Dale.

- Let's roll.

- We lost the wire.

- Sh*t.

Should we send in an unmarked?

We can't risk it. We'll hold here.

Hello. Howdy-do.

- You go on this side.

- Stop.

Hey.

What the f*** is this?

I do not need that sass-mouth. What I need

is that sack of cash. Now, get it over here.

Don't you throw it at me. You slide it.

Do it again.

- No, we'll keep it here.

- Check it.

- Holy sh*t.

- Lookie there.

- We did it.

- There's a pretty bag.

Okay. All right. Hey. I'll also take that phone

you took from the bottom of that bench.

What?

- The cell phone. Give me the cell phone.

- Throw the phone to him.

Now that fancy jacket and that snappy tie.

- Get them off. Get them over.

- No.

- He say "no"?

- I think he said no.

But we got this.

- Don't make me use this six-shooter.

- Man's got a shooter.

You make me sick.

You're what's wrong with America.

Everyone just wants a handout.

Take, take, take from the people

who earn their money honestly.

All right, let's not chitchat now.

The man does have a gun.

You got a real lip on you.

I will shoot you in the chest.

Well, go ahead. Shoot me.

- You don't have the balls.

- Yeah, he does. He got big old balls.

Big mouth. Nothing behind it.

- Dude.

- Oh, my God.

- What the f***?

- Oh, my God.

What did you do?

- You shot him.

- No, I didn't.

- You did.

- That was not supposed to be loaded.

- What do you mean?

- That's not my fault.

- Oh, my God.

- Wait, hold--

Man. You should've seen

your faces right now...

...when you started blaming each other.

What's happening right now?

I'm f***ing you over.

- No, no. But we're all friends now.

- We are, but what a great twist, right?

At first I was just gonna take all the money

and throw you guys under the bus.

I mean, come on. Duh.

But then when Dad called the cops

and proved he doesn't give a f*** about me...

...I realized, why take a few of his millions...

...when I can inherit all of them

and you guys can take the fall?

In minutes, the police will be down here and

discover that you killed my poor father...

...with a gun you stole from my room

when you abducted me.

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