Horrible Bosses 2 Page #8

I didn't come home last night.

Quiet.

Dude, get your f***ing head

out of my crotch.

Will you look at this f***ing view

during the daytime? You kidding me?

- He seems gone.

- Unbelievable.

- Bed's made.

- I can't believe this.

We should maybe just check.

- Hey! Rex!

- Hey.

Rex! Rex!

Dale.

Did you have a plan if he responded?

- I didn't think that far ahead.

- You get even dumber in the mornings.

- Why are you worried?

- Let's go.

- You know, fifty-fifty chance he was here.

- Yeah.

You know, Stacy's just gonna

completely flip out when I get home.

- What kind of dad doesn't come home?

- Shut that down.

If the worst thing that happens from

this clusterfuck is your domestic problems...

...we can consider ourselves lucky.

We just dodged a huge bullet back there.

We almost made

the worst decision of our lives.

That's true. Know why? If he opens that closet

and sees us, we're in prison right now.

That's right. So we're very, very lucky.

What the f*** is the matter with us?

I tell you what. If a couple tiny things

went our way, we could've pulled that off.

We're not criminals. We suck at crime.

We're nice, normal guys.

- I like baseball. I wear pants.

- Yup.

- Back to being cogs in the machine.

- Cogs. Cogs, dude.

Cogs are good.

It's a relief, you know?

It's like a weight lifted off your--

What is it, shoulders?

- It's a fresh start where everything's--

- I'll call you guys later.

- Please don't kill me.

- F***!

- Oh, f***.

- What the f*** is that?

What the f*** is that? What did we do?

We kidnap him while we're high on nitrous?

Then went back into the closet

and went to sleep?

- Why would we do that?

- Shh. Shh. What?

Is he crying?

Oh, my God. The best.

That was so good.

Help me out.

The look on your-- Look at this.

I really couldn't-- Your f***ing face.

- Oh, my God.

- Hey, man. Yeah. Whoo-whee.

Ah! You had us.

Oh! Oh!

- What's happening?

- I don't know.

- What's happening?

- Oh, boy.

Oh, my God, you guys. Thank you.

I have not laughed like that in a long time.

Oh, my God. Goddamn, that was great.

Food for the soul.

Good, well, we were just trying to be funny.

- You know, no harm, no foul, right?

- Yeah, yeah.

Guys, I completely underestimated you.

You f***ers have some low-hanging balls.

I mean it. I'm impressed.

I mean, I wake up,

I find you three in my closet...

...along with a ransom note,

a big old bottle of nitrous.

I'm like, "Holy sh*t.

These f***ers were gonna gas me."

I'm about to call the cops when I think,

"Hold up a sec.

These guys may be onto something."

I wanna partner up on this thing.

- What thing? What are you talking about?

- I'm not sure what you mean.

- This thing. My kidnapping.

- Oh.

Truth be told, Pop and I...

...we've hit a rough patch.

He's refusing to cover some of my expenses.

Long story. Anyway, your timing could not

have been better. Is this a f***ing marlin?

Rex, this is, uh, cool and all,

but we decided, like, we're out.

- We're not doing crime.

- Not our thing.

Yeah, no, he's right.

No, the kidnapping is off, actually.

- Huh? No, no, no, it's on.

- No, it's off.

No, it's totally on.

I sent the ransom note to my dad.

- You what?

- You did what?

It's brilliant. Who came up with

that thing about me being a little boy?

- Beautiful.

- Thanks.

I was a little insulted you only asked for

$500,000 for me. Is that all I'm worth? Hmm?

No sweat. I tacked on another zero.

- Five-hundred million?

- Wow, that's a ton.

- Five million, guys.

- Five million.

- Five million.

- Five. Right.

Yeah, 5 million. One million dollars for you

guys, and 4 for me.

Why don't we make that ransom call?

Yeah, Rex, let's not.

We appreciate the offer, and thank you for

not calling the cops, but we're gonna pass.

- No.

- Yeah.

Guys. Guys, how's this anything

but great news?

All I'm asking you to do is finish your

own plan but for double the money.

Plus, it got a thousand times easier

because now I'm your inside man.

I can make sure Dad pays up.

And then when you, uh, "set me free"...

...I tell the cops it was three other morons

that went that way.

Oh. Wow.

That's not the worst idea I've ever heard.

- It's better than our original idea.

- A lot better.

Give us one second.

F***ing what?

- We can't trust this guy.

- You can trust me.

No, you're right. They burned us once already.

We're not gonna get burned again.

- Nice try.

- Thanks but no thanks.

- That's a Nick-Kurt-Dale no from us.

- Nick, Kurt and Dale.

- So, uh, thank you, but adios.

- Yeah. Heh.

- Okay.

- You need a ride?

No. I think I'll hang out here.

You know, escape from your clutches...

...and call the police.

Go ahead. Call them.

We never kidnapped you.

- Yeah, you did.

- We didn't.

- Yeah, you abducted me.

- We did not.

Yeah, you brought me back here.

- There was a struggle.

- Oh, sh*t. Come on, man.

Things got broken.

What the--?

And then, you assaulted me.

- Oh, sh*t.

- What?

This guy's f***ing nuts.

Hey, Rex? It's off, pal.

Oh, and then you beat me. Mercilessly.

Holy sh*t. He's Fight Clubbing himself.

We got a Fight Clubber.

And then I found my way up here

and I found this phone.

- I picked up the receiver...

- Oh, no.

...and I dialed 9...

- Don't, don't, don't.

- Come on. Joke's over.

- ...1...

- Don't you hit the second 1.

- Don't do it. Aah!

- Don't hit it.

I don't know where I'm going.

I don't know where you find pay phones.

- There's some pay phones at the park here.

- Okay.

Boys, we are doing this.

The adventure begins. Who's fired up?

Hmm.

Such a negative energy.

This is killing me. Guys, come on.

- Can you scoot over just a smidge?

- Huh? No, I sit in the middle.

- That's his seat.

- It's a whole thing, Rex.

- I know. Just you're crowding me.

- I'm crowding this guy now?

He's forcing us to kidnap him,

and I'm crowding him?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. Simmer down.

Kidnapping was your idea, remember?

- But then we had the idea to not do it.

- Yeah, exactly.

- I sit in the middle!

- Hey, hey.

- Dale, just do what he says.

- Ah, for chrissake.

Oh, God. That is nice.

This is way better.

This is bullshit, by the way.

Excuse me, Dr. Harris.

Was someone in the office last night?

Uh, my sex-addiction group met here at 8.

Oh. Yes. But, doctor,

the keypad logged an earlier entrance.

Really?

Let's check our fancy new camera system.

That's a gay guy. It's so weird.

He didn't bone me like a gay guy.

He only cried, like, a little bit.

And he was oddly squeamish

about his own a**hole, which is weird.

- It's so weird.

- Yeah, that's what I thought.

Is that Dale?

What's he doing with Kurt and Blanston?

- Should we call the police?

- No.

No.

I'll take care of them.

Enjoy.

It's good stuff. Learn something.

All right, it's ringing.

Remember, you guys hold all the cards.

Game faces. You are going to crush this.

Hold on. He knows what we sound like.

We gotta use an accent.

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