Hot Lead and Cold Feet Page #5

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tomorrow, Brother Eli.

That is, if you can get

your creakin' carcass

to the startin' line.

Whoo-hoo!

Hey, wait a minute!

You can't get away with that!

Marcus, stop.

BILLY:

Now you won't have to wash.

[Laughter]

When are you gonna realize

they don't want us here?

But we are needed.

Eli, they're against you.

All of 'em are.

Just a minute.

You haven't lost faith,

have you?

- Of course not.

- Not in you.

Five mighty tests of courage,

skill, and strength.

Startin' with

the iron donkeys,

snortin' little piston-drivin'

steam engines,

and endin' up

with the six-up teams.

Wagons pulled

by six powerful horses.

You're gonna see fierce,

spirited, untamed, wild-eyed...

You lookin' for me?

I'll tend to you later.

[Chuckling]

Anyway, folks,

the finish line is in town.

And one more thing.

Oh, yeah, I get it. Right.

Be brief.

Well, to be brief, folks,

stationed at each

and every point,

there will be an official

selected by our impartial

race committee

to see that there's

no hanky-pankying going on.

Morning, Oscar.

Snead.

Hey, $5 says the preacher

don't make it to the canoes.

Officials ain't allowed

to make bets.

So?

You givin' odds?

You name 'em, you got 'em.

Cat's cradles.

It better be.

[Groans]

Now, push, Mansfield.

Push. Push.

[Grunting]

Ooh, I knew it

in my bones, Mansfield.

Fair race, my foot.

My boy Eli's gonna need help,

and lots of it.

So I best get my tools.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

[Groaning]

Stand fast,

you cockeyed Cockney, you.

[Groaning]

Uh-oh.

- Ooh!

- I'm sorry.

There's one thing for sure.

Master Eli certainly

has a chance with you around.

Sir?

Oh, sir!

Oh, and something else

I forgot.

Before we start the race...

[Laughter]

On second thought,

let's just start the race.

Bring up the iron donkeys.

What do you think that means?

I don't know.

Eli, we got somethin'

for you.

For me?

Be careful.

Don't squash it.

It's for good luck.

In case you need any.

Oh.

Oh, it's beautiful.

MARCUS:

Eli, we know you can win.

Win? He'll be lucky

if he stays alive.

Roxanne.

Do you mind just having

a little faith?

Contestants,

mount your engines!

Don't worry. I have

nothin' to be afraid of.

[Whistles]

Cheer up, brother.

We both got somethin'

to look forward to.

The town greetin' me

and Saint Peter greetin' you.

[Laughter]

- Eli.

- Yes?

For luck.

And be careful.

Now, when you hear my gunshot,

that's your signal

to start the race!

Are you ready?

- Yes.

- Yeah!

[Click]

Hey, what's goin' on?

When are they gonna

start this thing?

[Laughter]

We gonna wait around here

all day?

Hey.

[Gunshot]

Uhh!

Eli, you're goin'

the wrong way!

[Clattering]

Billy, what

are you stoppin' for?!

Ooh!

Get out of the way!

Ooh!

Aah!

Waaah!

Get off me!

Get your foot

off of my shoe!

Somebody get a loop on him!

- [Whistles]

- Oh!

Thank you very much.

Push!

Here we go!

Here we go!

Is this a race

or a ring

around the roundhouse?!

ROXANNE:
Come on, hurry!

Get him on the track!

Let's go, Eli!

Go, Eli!

Go, Eli!

Yay!

What's going on?!

You're losin', that's what!

[Laughs]

Come on!

Get him!

Get! Get!

Snail foot!

We'll see you later,

brother!

Come on!

[Gunshots]

[Whistling]

Uh-oh.

[Grunts]

Huh?

Aah!

Clear the road!

Clear the road!

[Barking]

[Snarling]

[Whistles]

[Coughing]

Aah!

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, what's that?

Aw, it's just

another Indian sacrifice.

What, a whole tepee?

Yep, looks like it.

What become of your brother?

Should've been here by now.

You get ahead of him?

I guess he's steamin' home,

back to Philadelphia.

Holy horsefly!

Would you look who that is.

Now, how did he get there?

[Panting]

[Coughing]

You get back here,

you schemin',

cheatin' polecat!

You paddle like you talk!

Like a sissy!

Hey, Bloodshy!

Quitters don't run

in our family!

Yee-aah!

Yah!

Aaah! Aah!

[Grunting]

Wrong way.

Wrong way!

[Panting]

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Aah! Aah!

Ohhhh!

Help!

[Spitting]

[Grunting]

[Spits, panting]

Aaah!

Looks pretty good for you,

Billy.

Yeah,

and pretty bad for him.

Hey, look!

Am I seein'

what I think I'm seein'?

I coulda told him

this race would get him

one way or tother.

[Spits, panting]

Well, looks like

you might get your chance.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

You better get a wiggle on it.

That fella's still a-kickin'.

Come on, Bucky,

let's help him out.

MANSFIELD:

Has he succeeded, sir?

JASPER:
Has he?

I told you that half-drowned

church mouse

is sure givin' him

a run for it,

in spite of them

sabotagin' Sneads.

I daresay the Sneads

aren't bright enough

to be doing this dastardly deed

on their own.

I'll do the daresayin'

'round here, Mansfield.

Oh, very good, sir.

Yeah, I daresay the Sneads

don't seem bright enough

to be doing this...

Dastardly.

...deed by themselves,

Mansfield.

- Excellent observation, sir.

- Yeah.

Yeah, we best get into town.

I got a hunch who the real

schemin' skunk is.

Hop aboard.

Where am I going now?

Up the mountain, just as soon

as you refresh yourself

with a little water.

Water?

I'm a walking sponge

right now.

And a cold one.

Don't matter.

One of the rules.

It's for the well-being

of both contestants.

You saw Wild Billy

take his, didn't you?

Well, if Billy...

Mountain water.

[Shivers] I've never...

I've never tasted water

like this before.

That's the funniest stuff

I've ever had.

Mm, mmm.

[Gulps]

You know, it's...

It's not bad.

It certainly

got rid of those shivers.

[Shivers]

[Slurring] You know...

I kinda like it.

[Sniffs]

A man ought to drink water

more often.

I liked visitin' with you,

but you better catch Billy.

You gentlemen mind if I take

this little old water jug?

Why, I think

that'd be all right.

- Sure.

- Good.

Hey, mister!

That's not the mountain.

That's the river.

Oh, that's right, yes.

The mountain

and the river.

The mountain.

I'll start right on up.

Yeah.

"Eli groggy. "

[All cheering]

"But right behind

Wild Billy. "

[All booing]

You think Eli can win?

Against a stacked deck?

We better find out

what they're up to.

RAGSDALE:
If you don't get

that preacher on the mountain,

make sure you get him

at Devil's Gorge.

I told you, quit worryin'.

Ain't no possible way

he can get by the gorge.

That's good.

All right, here's the gravy

that I promised you.

After you get rid

of that psalm singer...

Pay attention!

We're plannin'

a little dynamite party

for Wild Billy

at Deadman's Pass.

- Wild Billy?

- Yep.

You want to get rid

of Wild Billy, too?

I don't know.

You see,

I've doctored that will.

You see, if nobody wins,

then the money and the saloon,

the town goes to the executor

of that will, and that's me.

Now, you and your brothers,

being my partners,

why, you'll get, uh, uh...

half.

Well, now do you want

to bump off Wild Billy?

[Laughs evilly]

Does a coyote like to howl?

Here's where you're gonna

come down the trail.

Right there.

That's where you put

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