Hot Property Page #2

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Listen, I'm saying

we just rock this stage

with nothing but each other,

a freezer full of placentas,

and a dream.

Come on, Harmony,

we do need money.

What about petrol,

water in the desert?

Babe, in-in Cuba

they make the petrol

out of sugar cubes,

or canes.

But, look, and people

will gift us water!

And you've always wanted

to go to burning man!

You said we've paid for it all,

we might as well go to...

Babe! Come on!

Oh, babe, I'm sorry.

I'm being selfish.

We'll go next year.

Or never.

Oh, babe. I'm sorry.

We can get money.

How?

- Going to burning man.

- We're going to burning man?

- We're going to burning man.

- Oh, f***!

I love you.

Yeah, sorry about that.

Took a bit of time.

Harmony, we're not flying

over the Atlantic

in a small plane

with propellors.

I don't know, I've not

been much since flying over.

Well, hello. If it isn't

lofty the land baron.

Uh, yeah. Great. Whatever.

So I'm getting pretty f***ing

pissed off about this flat,

if I'm being honest,

so I was speaking to the agent

and I'm putting it up for rent.

What?

You're evicting me?

Um, no...

Well, yeah.

Obviously yes.

I am.

Look, sorry,

this is a really crap time.

Can I just call you back?

I'm just going into a meeting.

No, no, no, no, wait.

Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

I will get you the money.

I will pay the rent.

Sure. Whatever.

Okay, so there's a guy

from charlatans

coming this afternoon

to take photos of the flat.

When it's online you're free

to spend the 5,000

like anybody else and rent it.

I've got 1,010, Tommy.

Well, that's 3,990 to go!

Mind the doors.

What?

Is he-is he kicking you out?

He's taking my home.

Mel, we'll be on one of

those planes in a second!

San Francisco,

now in it ' s final stage...

Oh my god, babe,

look at the propellor...

Babe, come on.

Can't put it online if they

can't get into the flat.

- What?

- If I can stop them taking the photos

and doing the floor plan,

then that will buy me the time

to get the four grand

for the deposit, and then,

then I can keep the flat.

Do you know how hard it is to get

300 placentas in California?

Last call for passengers...

Look, babe, some of the biggest

food blogs in the world

go to burning man.

They're really changing

what food is out there.

Food is just food, okay.

They are not changing

what food is,

they're just a bunch of twats

pissing around in the desert.

I find it hard to believe that

you think food is just food.

This is my home!

We have to defend it!

Come on!

You're safe.

You're safe now.

There is nothing else

about placentas

on the post cuisine circuit

right now.

It'll be yesterday's news

next year!

Showtime.

Is this even legal, Melody?

We're at war here, Harmony!

Legality is a luxury

that we do not have.

Okay, look, babe,

I know that you're upset,

but this, this is important...

and that's why you can do

your food concept thingy

- love plus food?

- Uh-huh.

- Here?

- Uh-huh.

But you said you'd rather

be gang raped by koala bears!

Yeah,

but I've basically realized

it's a really good idea!

Yeah!

But first we've got to stop

this f***er from getting in.

Okay.

Oi, charlatans,

get the f*** out!

Yeah, f*** off!

Get the f*** out my house!

What the f*** are you doing?

Are you f***ing crazy?!

Crazy bastards!

Brick?

Piss?

Basically, medicinal.

I've only been drinking vodka

and Berocca this morning.

I'll be back, you bastards!

Take that, you little sh*t!

Oh, Christ, this place is worse

than f***ing Johannesburg

on a Friday f***ing night.

Woo!

Melsy-babes, how's it going?

You tell me, Charlie!

F***ing mental.

You would not believe

where I ended up last night.

Check it out.

I had sex with that guy.

That's a wonderful image,

Charlie.

So, what have you got for me?

Um, right

what have I got for you?

What do... well-the...

Okay, here's the thing, Melsy,

you are what we like to call

in the headhunting industry...

um... a person...

who I cannot get a job for.

Charlie, you tapped me up,

three weeks ago,

saying that you could get me

a job anywhere.

Yeah, I did, but that

was before you went around

stealing from your employer

and blackmailing him,

you know, which, all in all,

makes you look

like a bit of a crook.

I'm just being honest.

Thank you very much.

I won intelligence monthly's

industry's most promising

this year and 2013.

That is a prize that they give to the

most successfully duplicitous person

under the age of 30

in an industry that's based

on nicking

other people's information.

They want crooks.

Okay.

Between me and you, the economy

is awful at the moment.

Charlie, I'm about

to be evicted.

You've got a lovely figure.

Why don't you become an escort?

What? Is that the advice

you give to all your clients?

Only my fit ones...

who are otherwise

completely unemployable.

Or you could be a drug dealer,

except you'd trouble

with the police

and it's

bad for the environment.

Sell a kidney?

Wow, thank you, Charlie.

Your help has been invaluable.

Aah.

I mean,

how would your mother feel?

So, how much for a kidney?

I'm f***in' ashamed of you.

According to the blood report,

technically you're not

even alive.

Go. Yeah.

Do you realize that

this line's recorded, yeah?

I can categorically state

that I do not intend to

and have never been involved in

any insider trading

or libel fixing.

Oh, come on, banker-boy,

surely you

and your little banker friends

must have fiddled the figures

at some time,

like that guy, Clive?

Why don't you just go to a job

center like a normal person?

Sam, I'm not a normal person.

There's no way I'm gonna go

to a job center.

You know, this whole thing

would be so much easier

if you just gave me 4,097...

Well, not gave,

lent me 4,097.53...

And I'm done.

Found it!

Excellent!

Ah.

What are you gonna use it for?

Sorry.

Sorry, it's a bit

of a bad line here.

I've just been on the phone

to the agent

and he said somebody pissed

on him.

Piss?! What, someone pissed

on his head?

Oh, god, that's awful.

Melody, Melody?

Melody, do you know

what a hostile tenant is?

Yeah, it's what they call it...

It's what they call it

when someone tries

to intentionally sabotage

the viewings, you understand?

Tommy,

why would I want

to sabotage the viewings, hm?

Tracker activated.

Okay.

So... really I don't need

to give you the keys

because I'm going to be

renting it very soon, anyway.

Oh, that's Lekker.

All I need is the full deposit

in cash

and clearance of the reference

check application,

which you will put

into this in tray.

So, in a few days I'm going

to have all of that for you.

No, that's Lekker.

In the meantime,

I'm under instruction that this

highly desirable loft space

is to remain on the market...

so...

I need the keys.

Look,

I'm sure we can come

to some kind of agreement.

Do you know how long

I've been at this branch?

42 months.

You can count them.

39 of those,

I've been sales agent

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