Hot Property Page #3

---

number one!

You're looking

at the best in show.

Wow, do you want a prize?

Every month.

Keys.

Hoo...

You're playing with fire,

little lady.

One week.

One week without those photos or

the floor plans on the website,

and then I will have your money,

plus a little extra

just for you.

Are you trying to bribe me?

100... 300.

I'm an estate agent.

We follow a strict

moral and ethical code!

800...

Two pounds and 45 pence.

That is my final offer, okay?

I'm just gonna leave that there

in your little special in tray

and I'm gonna walk away, okay?

You're one crazy camper!

You know that?

Nope.

How would you rate

your Google skills?

Do you mean can I write?

Would you say you have

good interpersonal skills?

Motherf***er!

Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

It's raining men, hallelujah

amen, I'm gonna get out...

Gonna get myself wet

absolutely soaking wet

it's raining men, hallelu...

What the f***?!

Check it out!

This company

does liquid nitrogen

in 19th century milk churns.

Oh, Jesus, Harmony!

Sorry.

Lemon.

Orange.

Lettuce.

Leave that there.

Harmony, there's another one

for you.

How many did you get?

Just put it here.

Oh, right.

Ah!

Oh!

Sorry, babe,

completely forgot about them.

They're probably a bit off

by now.

Mr. and Mrs. Burton-hall,

how are you?

Mr. Burton hall.

Good to see you.

- Mrs. Burton-hall.

- Oh!

You look absolutely stunning.

Come with me.

Have a look at this apartment.

Beautiful, eh?

They sometimes drop their

business onto the floor, yeah?

Now, look at this.

Security is very tight.

Even Oscar Pistorius

wouldn't be able to shoot

through this door, eh?

Be prepared to see

the apartment of your dreams.

I'm sure there's a light switch

in here somewhere.

Lights!

- Jesus Christ.

- Christ!

What the f***?

Look, I know we said

that we wanted an urban feel,

but this-this is just sick!

Hello JP!

Oh, don't mind us.

I-I was just going to

put the kettle on.

- Oh! Oh, oh!

- Oh, god!

Oh, this is happening again!

No, wait. Wait!

You have to see past the dcor!

Well done, baby.

Mmh!

Melody!

Open the f***ing door!

Still worshipping Satan, then?

Here you go.

I said wait Rose.

Tough sh*t.

How can you be

this hard up, anyway?

You must have some of the

payout from the restaurant,

right?

You-you've spent 230,000

in three years?

No, I spent it in two.

Well, just under two.

On what?

What did you spend it on?

Meals out, mostly.

Kitchen stuff.

You're f***ing joking me,

aren't you?

You spent a quarter

of a million pounds on

restaurants and kitchen stuff.

You-you're not even

paying rent.

Well, obviously I can't

afford to.

Oh, this is mad.

That is...

I mean, I don't know

what kind of mad that is,

but that's f***ing mad.

Oh...

What's mad auntie Melody

going to do, eh?

- All right! Um...

- Nasty daddy won't help her.

Okay.

I'll speak to Saskia.

She was telling me she's got

an opening for some...

vacuous bullshit artist.

I think you're wildly

overqualified for it,

but Saskia won't give me a job

after godmother gate.

Yes, she will.

But you are just going to have

to grovel to her, aren't you?

Is auntie Melody going to have

to grovel to Saskia?

Yes, she is!

Saskia, is going to be

very angry at Melody,

but Melody doesn't care

'cause she needs a job!

That's fun, isn't it?

- You're a dick.

- Yeah, I know.

And you're a dick.

A massive dick.

Yeah, we've got Cher Lloyd

coming in.

Jungle book Mufasa thing

with her.

Okay.

So, Metro b*tch, hit me.

Metro b*tch?

Yeah, it's great, isn't it?

It's kind of what's trending,

but at the same time,

a state of the nation analysis:

Thackeray meets Woolf,

but with Twitter.

The red carpet is out,

it's opening night.

What is the premier.

Melody Munro Metro b*tch column?

N-now?

Just idea shower me.

I was-i was kind of thinking

I wouldn't need to interview

for this job.

21st century journalism

is constantly revolutionizing.

You know, by the time

you've written now

it's already last year.

Tomorrow's now

has already been snapchatted

by a 16-year-old info blogger

from Malaysia.

I don't follow.

I've been seeing other

applicants for this job,

so I guess, Melly,

it's just a case of...

How much you want it.

I'm really sorry

about the godmother thing.

Thank you.

So?

I have the job?

I'm really grateful

that you apologized, Melody,

and family is so important

to me.

But... if I'm honest,

this other applicant has all

the skills to nail this job.

Who is it?

Oh, you know her! Laurie mills!

Yeah, I mean she really

has her finger

on the pulse

of the Zeitline generation.

She's a massive c*nt.

C*nt.

So, yeah, I...

I really think...

C*nt.

Just get out.

C*nt.

Faster.

Babe. Oh!

Babe, what are you doing?

Don't tell me. Listen.

Amazing news.

- You know my auntie Babs?

- Yeah.

- The pedo.

- Yeah.

She just died.

What? God, I'm so sorry.

No. It's fine.

She's now communing

with the lord of hosts.

Imagine that.

Anyway, more amazing,

I've inherited 4,000.

Harmony, that-that's amazing.

Babe, it means love plus food

can now be how I imagined it!

- What?

- Listen, check it out.

Isn't it amazing you always

get what you pray for?

Great.

I want you to get down

on your knees now

and start to pray...

because the day

of atonement, my friends,

is at hand,

and he brings not peace,

he brings a sword,

and behind him is fire!

And if you do not

adhere to his creed,

he will beat you, senselessly,

like someone else's

redheaded stepchild!

Do not listen to that fat cat

in a pointy hat...

Yes! Get in!

Just one more win,

one more win and we're safe.

Can't bluff me, ashraf17.

Harmony, I'm kind of

in the middle of something,

something really important.

Mel, Mel, babe, look who's here!

Melody, you're missing

the revolution!

Harmony is so totes amaze, BTW.

Love and nong!

Laurie's gonna come to love

plus food and do an article

about it for her new

Metro b*tch column.

How nong is that?

Woohoo!

Ah! N-

aah

miss Munro,

I know you're in there!

The hermit crab cannot stay

in the shell for too long,

it has to come out and breathe!

Open!

Miss Munro,

you cannot fight

with the market.

The market is like god,

all-seeing, all-knowing,

omnipresent...

so open the door!

Miss Munro,

please open the door.

I don't want

to do anything rash.

September,

the German ring closed.

Mel, don't leave me standing

out here like a twat, please.

I've got booze.

Beer o'clock?

Eh, don't-don't-don't

shut the door in my face,

because I am about to do

something incredibly stupid.

What?

I'm gonna give you the money.

- Yes!

- Yay! Best brother ever!

Now, listen, this...

Is a temporary loan

from Auden's university fund.

There are rules to this, okay?

Okay, anything.

You're to be godmother.

R-really?

Really? Wow.

Do you want the money?

Sam, I would love

to be Auden's godmother.

Oh, I'll be back in a minute.

Where you going?

Mwah!

Yep. That's... typical.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes