Hot Property Page #4

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Raining men

- hey! I can take the flat!

- Oh, Jesus Christ!

- I can take the flat!

- Christ!

I've got the money.

I can give it to you right now!

It's 8:
30, you crazy woman.

I'm going home!

Okay, okay, I'll come see you

in the office first thing, yeah?

Get off the vehicle!

- Get away from the vehicle!

- Okay!

- Get away from the vehicle!

- Okay, I'll see you first thing.

Ha, ha, ha! Woo!

Yeah! Whatever!

I love you,

and I love this flat,

and I love you in this flat,

and I think they should

stock you in boconcepts.

Babe, babe, babe, try this.

- Hm?

- Try this.

Oh, that is...

That's really a lot of salt.

- Amazing!

- Bit too much?

No, babe, no!

Tell Gandhi

there was too much salt.

Gandhi couldn't get any salt,

so he marched on the sea.

Salt caused a revolution.

That searing dryness

is the taste of a revolution!

Suffer.

Visionary.

Completely

and utterly visionary.

Huh? Thanks.

It's pretty f***ing nong, huh?

This is the crest

of a new epoch.

It's like being in

the cavern club at '62, or...

Berlin, 1933?

Yes. I love Berlin.

Right, I'm really sorry, but we're going

to have to keep the kitchen clear.

Oops, sorry!

Just trying to say hi

to the maestro!

And also I did think I'd take a

couple of photos while I'm here

just 'cause the agent said

he couldn't get in to take any.

Oh, well I'm afraid the flat's

not for rent anymore.

Oh, yes, I know, I'm not-

I'm not renting it, so...

Then why are you taking photos?

Because I'm buying it.

So if you could just move

'cause you're kind of

in my visual space.

My flat is not for f***ing sale.

Okay, just take the flat!

Take the flat.

I accept your offer.

Just take the f***ing flat.

Sir, put the mask back on.

Why?

Why are you doing this?

I'm just trying to live my life!

No, you're not.

You're trying to live

my f***ing life!

Get out!

Mel!

How on earth can I write

my piece for Metro b*tch,

though, if I haven't tried

our beautiful chef's cuisine?

Oh, just f*** off!

Mel, I really need this piece!

No, don't you dare!

Don't you dare take her side!

Well, you can serve the food

to her outside on the street,

because that's where

she's going to f***ing be.

Yeah, well, maybe I will.

Fine. Fine.

Well, you can take

all of your twats with you.

- Oh!

- Oh, Melody!

Get out. Get out. Get out.

Get out. Get out. Get out.

Get out of my f***ing flat!

Awkward.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

that is the end of part one!

Part two, it seems,

is outside on road!

Take your plates!

Sitting at tables

is so mid-noughties, isn't it?

Harmony? Harmony?

Yeah, it's great energy

out here, motherfuckers!

Melody, baby, great event.

Loved the drama. Transformative.

So I'll be around with

my surveyor in the morning.

Should have the exchange

within the month.

Nong!

I've got it!

I've got your dimensions!

Nothing can stop

the JP de kock...

five day house seller.

No, no, no, you can't exchange

a property in five days!

No, you can't,

not unless

your name's JP de kock.

I've done the searches.

I taught myself conveyancy law.

I've just done the survey.

The market has spoken

and I am its instrument.

But-but I need

a little bit more time.

Another trader

jumped off Coq au Vin's roof

well I would, too,

if I had to eat their food.

I sometimes get a feeling

I'm on an escalator.

Everyone says if you stay on it

you're going somewhere good.

Everyone else is on it so,

you know, must be good.

It's going up, isn't it?

Then sometimes you get

the feeling that actually

it may just end up

somewhere completely sh*t.

Or maybe it doesn't end up

anywhere at all, maybe it just...

just keeps going up.

Do you ever think that?

What, that my life is

a drifting sea of mediocrity

and the only certainty

is my inevitable death?

Yeah.

No, not really.

So what do you think of my plan?

Getting Laurie to ditch

her article on Harmony

and writing

an anti-charlatan piece.

I thought that was

just a deranged rant.

When did you and Saskia

get married?

You were there. You were

bridesmaid, for f***'s sake.

Oh, yeah.

You're being stranger

than usual.

The key to intelligence work

as psychological leverage.

You need to find out

what motivates people

and then you can use that

to manipulate them.

It's not gonna change her mind

about buying the flat

because you send her

a few emails.

People aren't

that impressionable.

No, it's not just that.

I mean, take Saskia,

for example.

What's her core motivation?

I don't know,

probably to get other people

to give her the perfect life,

career and family

while expending

no effort herself.

Yeah, well I've thought

about it,

and what drives Laurie

is her desire to not miss out,

driven, no doubt,

by some deep-seated...

childhood trauma

that her parents

didn't take her to Disneyland

or whatever.

It still burns.

Mmm, so all I need to do

is convince her

that there's more cool in writing

this anti-charlatans campaign

than there is

in stealing my life!

F***ing hell,

Zencorp is plummeting!

Wh-why are you even calling me?

Why do you keep

asking me about Saskia?

Oh, I just wanna know

about my family.

No, no, no, you're doing your

spying thing again, aren't you?

Yeah, that's what you're doing.

You stop that right now.

Thank you, Sam.

This talk has helped.

Sorry, you were saying?

Oh, yes.

Look, this... space...

it's one idea, I suppose,

but, look, no one has ever

suffered in space,

apart from aliens,

and we can't relate to them.

We can't.

No, for food to mean anything

it's gotta be created in pain,

possibly boiled in blood.

I've tried it in the past,

but I've struggled

with coagulation issues.

You're getting all of this?

Yeah, this is so great.

Amazing. Amazing.

Where was I?

Ah, yes, coagulation.

So what I've found, I think,

is to offset the...

Are you all right?

Yeah, no, um...

What do you think

about gentrification?

It's definitely bad.

But if you think about it,

anything that ends in "ation"

is bad, you know?

Industrialization...

station...

penetration.

Oh no, that one's...

Well, I suppose

it could be bad or good

depending on the situation...

Yeah, definitely, um...

Also, maybe

anti-gentrification,

it's the new food?

No, I think food

is still the new food.

Yeah, but...

Well, I'm just really feeling

these anti-gentrification vibes

and I just think that food

is so next gen

that it can wait for just...

No, Laurie mills,

food can't wait!

My food can't wait!

It's too important for that!

Look, Nelson Mandela once said,

"you haven't lived

until you've found something

worth dying for."

My food is worth dying for,

okay?

God... your hands are so strong.

Frozen and silent,

Leningrad refused to die.

Bread was now made

with sweepings,

cattle cake and sawdust.

Over two and a half

million people

were trapped in the city,

over 400,000 of them children.

People ate soap, linseed oil,

the paste for wallpaper...

"Saski-babes, totes adore

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