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the charlatan thing,"

when you gave me the job

you promised me 100 percent

editorial control to guarantee

Metro B's authenticity.

"I truly believe

in Harmony Ambrose."

Hmm, not as vacuous

as we thought!

Okay.

By Laurie mills.

By Laurie mills.

What?

What do you mean, a dongle?

Ugh! Come on, help me!

Hmm...

Ah, come on, just help me out!

Surprise!

You look like sh*t.

At least you remembered

it's Auden's birthday.

That's something, isn't it?

Yeah...

Yeah, where is the birthday boy?

Saskia's taken him to the floating

tots swimming experience.

Ah!

It's my life, by the way.

I'm sorry, Sam.

What are you sorry about?

Everything.

I...

know it's been hard

since they died, but...

you've got to stop

doing these mental things, Mel.

There are other flats.

Yeah, I know

it seems crazy, but...

if she gets my flat, then...

she gets my boy,

and she takes my life.

You know,

I can't let that happen.

Then come home,

be with people who love you...

and forget the flat.

And, do you know what, you

should forget Harmony as well.

You're doing the crying thing.

Why do I lose everything, Sam?

Oh, f***ing hell.

Come here.

Oh, god, no, no, no, no, no.

Ah, this is silly.

I'm just gonna clean myself up.

- You okay?

- Yep, I'm fine! I'm fine.

Hey, chicken pop!

I forgot my dongley thingy.

It's in, uh, my office.

Ah, Melody!

You gave me a fright!

Yeah, I know, I was just

looking for the loo.

Oh, really?

It's downstairs, same as it was

when you grew up here.

Yeah.

Ah, here we go.

Toodles.

Toodles.

Hello. Hello.

Hello, darling, my name

is Saskia armitage-Munro,

don't you know.

I work for Zeitline.

I work for the Zeitline.

Well, I'm the main editor

of Zeitline.

You know, one of the most

important magazines in London.

Sammy! Sam.

Sammy, remember why we're here!

Sam. Sam!

Mmh, mmh, Toodles!

Laurie, darling, love the fact

you're Metro b*tch now,

Zeitmost.

Thing is, Saskia, is that...

I'm actually buying Melody's

flat through charlatans,

so, I mean,

wouldn't that look a bit odd?

That's what makes it so perfect!

It's life as lived on

the front line of hip London!

When you make a stand

and don't buy the flat

it'll be a real story,

reportage.

So you want me

to push Harmony's food thing

until next week?

No, no food thing,

just charlatans.

That's going to

hurt Harmony's feelings?

He doesn't matter.

Just do it.

Betrayal? Love it.

So next gen.

Okay, Toodles.

Who was that, darling?

So funny.

Great story. Tell you later.

Super!

Our ancestors in caves

didn't eat for taste,

they ate to survive,

and that is the kind of purity

of consumption that we need.

My new pop-up

will have the need concept.

Every meal will be served

by a Japanese Shinto priest

holding a loaded gun

to your head,

and that will

amplify the experience

more than any flavor.

It'll be like one plus one

equals... eight.

A totally immersive

dining experience.

Wow, that sounds great!

Oh, it's better than great!

Babe, it's a revolution.

That's what me and Laurie have

been working on with this article.

It's just amazing that this

is happening to me, you know?

I feel like the luckiest guy

in the world.

Um... you...

Y-you're not hungry?

Oh, no, I am, I'm starving.

And this is amazing, you know.

It's probably the best-tasting

food I've ever tried.

But I shouldn't really be...

What?

Look, Laurie says I really need

to be 100 percent

brand Harmony right now.

And I've already got the

advantage of one word equity,

you know, like Boris,

or Shano... Warne.

But also live it, you know?

Every day is literally a battle

against the tyranny of taste,

this war of attrition

that I've got within myself.

Basically, Laurie says

I've got to stop eating food

that tastes nice.

All good, babe?

Do you wanna f***?

You do f*** still, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

I'm still Australian.

Oh god, I love you.

- I love you.

- I love you.

- Yeah, and I love you.

- Oh, and I love you!

I love you.

I love you and I love you.

Are you talking to the flat?!

No?

Babe!

Oh, god. Oh.

He had nothing to do with him.

Oh, my god.

Well, Melsy babes,

here you are!

Oh, and just look at Harmony.

God, if I hadn't been

lumbered with Sam

I'd be all over

that sexy Aussie bum.

- That's a nice image.

- Oh, shut up, darling.

You know I heart you.

Hey.

What has she put you in, eh?

Yeah, I know.

I feel exactly the same.

So, we start with the greeting.

- Yes.

- You think so?

Uh, miss out that bit.

Can I just-can I just

ask a question?

Are we...

Is this coming before that?

This bit after.

Oh, look, look.

He's worried.

Oh, he's worried.

Relax!

That was a strange phone call,

wasn't it, Melody?

What phone call?

Oh, you know the one.

The one when you rang

pretending to be Saskia.

Dashing, dashing.

Hi, hi. Thanks for coming.

Harmony is

going to be heartbroken

when I tell him after the

ceremony that you betrayed him.

Why don't you just stop

making things up?

Charlatans thing was

a nice idea, though.

Bad luck.

Why don't I take him?

I'm great with kids.

Look, I'm fine.

I can hold a baby.

I think it's probably best,

though, if I take him.

Why don't you f*** off

and get your own f***ing baby?!

Uh, um...

Why don't we see if you

can manage holding this?

Hello!

Yay.

Is that better? Yes.

Can you get

your f***ing sh*t together

and stop f***ing swearing

in the f***ing church?

Shall we begin?

Yes.

Our lord Jesus Christ

has told us

that to enter

the kingdom of heaven,

we must repent our sins!

For god so loved the world

that he gave his only

begotten son

so that whosoever believeth

in him

shall not perish,

but have everlasting life!

Hi! Hey!

Speaking of life,

that is why we are here!

So, may I ask you to bring

the godparents forward?

- Yes.

- Yes. All right.

C*nt.

And stop right there, yeah.

Bingo.

Have you seen Doris and Dave?

Thanks for coming!

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

No, stop, stop.

Just f***ing stop.

I don't wanna hear.

I took that by mistake.

Mel, just go, okay?

I don't wanna see you again

until you pay me back

my child's money,

all of it.

Um, where's Laurie?

Why?

A story she's written's

going bonkers on Twitter,

"burn charlatans burn."

God, that is so on trend.

Oh, Laurie, have you seen this?

You're such a clever girl!

We've gone viral!

- Sorry?

- "Burn charlatans burn."

God, it's brilliant.

Wow, Laurie,

how did you think of that?

Oh, I suppose you'll

have to publicly refuse

to buy the flat now.

Oh! Oh, we could live-stream

her telling the agent!

Yes, that's brilliant!

I don't know about you, Saskia,

but I'm really impressed

that Laurie would be willing

to risk her relationship

with Harmony for the sake

of the right story.

I'm not sure I'd be able

to forgive someone

who did that to me.

Oh, this is perfect.

You're such a clever

little angel.

I'm tweeting piers Morgan now.

Charlatans is the new form

of Chinese cabbage.

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