Hot Property Page #6

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Actually, like,

speak up and say...

F*** charlatans!

I just know how to tuck a penis

up my bum.

Heart Laurie mills.

Laurie mills is the one.

Ms. mills.

What's with the video?

I have come to tell you

that I think you're a cancer...

eating away at society.

You and your extensive range

of high-quality apartments...

apartments is what is ruining

the local spirit of my area.

You just bring in an influx

of wealthy,

aspirational,

good-looking people,

which, quite frankly,

I find disgusting!

Hmm!

But it's the market.

People want to live

in this area.

You want to live in this area!

How dare you, JP?!

I will never, ever,

buy a property from you.

Charlatans have taken our vibe!

It's ruined

our warehouse parties

and killed our street markets!

But now it is time

to take our streets back!

Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!

F*** you, charlatans!

F*** you, charlatans!

Woo-hoo! Woo!

Whoop! Whoop!

Whoop! Whoop!

Whoop! Whoop!

Yeah.

F***!

Oh, my god.

That was so inspirational, it's

given me an idea for a starter.

Oh no, wait.

Wait, I'm going to cook for you.

Babe, why are you throwing away

a picture of Laurie?

What?

Holy sh*t, it was you.

Just-just ignore that, babe.

You set this whole thing up?

You knew it would ruin

my article.

- I did it for us.

- No, you didn't.

You want this flat so much,

you're welcome to it.

You don't love me, I'm just

another thing to you like your...

de'longhi.

- Where are you going?

- To find Laurie,

someone who wants me to succeed.

Well, Laurie doesn't want you

to succeed,

she just wants your cock!

Laurie mills actually cares

about my food!

Oh, your food!

The food is

pretentious bullshit!

You still love me, don't you?

Mmh.

Who is it?

Melody Munro,

bailiffs collecting on behalf

of show me the Skrilla.

Are you letting us in?

You sure?

This hasn't happened before.

Just... just take it.

Take it all.

It wasn't a heart attack,

it was an irregular murmur

brought on by stress.

In fact, saying

the words " heart attack"

made me more stressed.

Apparently, my blood pressure

is the worst seen

outside of Japanese

mid-level management,

which is great.

The doctor's given me

this... heart rate thing.

Okay, listen, I'm going to

stop you right there.

Look.

I want you to sell the flat.

I can't talk about the flat.

Talking about the flat makes me

very uncomfortable and nervous.

I need to remain calm.

I need to remain extremely calm.

Okay, well I'm gonna move back

with my brother.

And, Tommy...

I'm sorry.

F***.

Sorry.

Sorry, my heart's beating.

Sorry. It's the emotion.

F***.

Suni!

Suni, f***ing getting in here,

Suni!

F***. I'll see you later.

Arh!

We're temporarily closed

at the moment,

but you can still view

our extensive

range of properties online!

It's Melody.

Step away

from this retail property!

I have your keys.

You can have them.

Wow.

You're joking, yeah?

To the Victor, the spoils.

Come on, JP, let's get you

a celebratory drink.

Glasses are over there.

But... first probably

some water, eh?

The... toy... factory.

Ah, Melody,

fancy meeting you here!

What are you doing?

Burn charlatan burn!

I wrote it, so now...

I'm going to do it!

Okay, glass, video record.

Say my name.

I am the Metro b*tch!

Laurie... I wrote it...

You know that.

Oh, Melody,

you are funny sometimes!

This is really f***ing serious.

You're right, Mel,

it is really serious.

- Harmon...

- Mel, I found it.

I've found the revolution.

And, look, it'll cause

a little bit of pain,

quite a lot of destruction,

but from its ashes

a new world will arise,

a better world,

and I'll be the one

to capture that...

in a kebab.

Okay, right, kids,

playtime is over.

You can go to jail for this

stuff for a very long time.

You can't stop me this time,

Melody.

Do you know that Bob Marley

once said,

"you haven't lived

until you've found

something worth dying for"?

Nelson Mandela.

Well, I... am... Bob Marley.

Well, you can be Bob Marley

all you want,

Harmony and me,

we're getting out of here.

- No!

- Come on, Harmony.

Do you know what?

You two...

you deserve each other.

She's always been

such a dull b*tch.

Let's burn this f***er!

Hey, Sam, it's me.

I wanna move back home.

You set this whole thing up?

You've got to stop

doing these mental things...

You set this whole thing up?

You're playing with fire.

No. You've got to stop.

No, wait.

- Stand back, please!

- No, no, no!

These guys, they are morons.

It was me. I did it.

I burnt charlatans.

F*** you, Melody!

I burned charlatans

and it's all here

on my Google glasses!

You stand back!

I'm warning you!

Mel, I'm scared!

- Where's JP?

- He's in the car!

Laurie's gone nuts!

We're non-violent, officer,

apart from arson!

You win.

The attractive

loft conversion is yours.

- JP, stop moaning!

- What?

I think you've got work to do,

and I think

you're gonna enjoy it.

Come on!

What?

JP! JP, tell them!

Hello, officers.

This woman is f***ing crazy!

I've had enough of this sh*t!

I'm going back to Africa

to sell weapons.

No, JP! You tell them

it was me.

It was her.

She's one crazy f***ing b*tch!

No! It was me!

Jesus Christ!

Oh, god, that felt good.

Right, lads, it's taser time!

Thank you.

All right, Jones?

Yeah, you know.

How's anger management

classes going?

Sh*t.

That's nice, innit?

Stop.

How's my nephew?

Good. Really good.

Did you get the money

that I transferred over

for his birthday?

Mm-hmm.

So, only two weeks to go!

F***ing hell,

two weeks.

See Laurie's campaign?

What,

the free the charlatans one?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.

She's been trying to get in

to do an interview.

One good thing about prison,

you can stop people

from visiting you.

Well, she is a massive c*nt.

Yeah.

Saskia has said if you wanna

do a column

about being a posh girl in

prison there might be a slot!

Ooh, yeah!

Thanks.

I was actually thinking of trying

some cooking when I get out...

like a local restaurant

somewhere.

And nothing with a theme

and not a f***ing pop-up.

I was actually quite

into the Nazi food.

By the way, yeah, Tommy's back.

I don't know, I thought maybe...

you guys could...

I'd still rather have

my old room back with you,

if that's all right.

That's fine. Of course.

Good.

Harmony sends his love.

- Does he?

- No. Not really.

Phew.

Oh, god.

Welcome to guerrilla gourmet,

my new cooking show,

where we're shooting here in...

Where are we?

In Ukraine,

and I'm cooking a flaming galah.

F***.

Ah, yes.

Harmony, I see men in the trees.

Just keep shooting, Anatoli.

This is what this is all about.

This is a cooking revolution

right here.

Oh, f***. F***!

Oh, my leg.

Anatoli...

Anatoli, mate.

I'll get the first aid kit.

Anatoli, did we bring

the first aid kit?

I have seen the light!

'Cause the anti-Christ

is coming too!

He gonna be bringing

smite and retribution!

Giant wasps, they be coming too!

Welcome to JP's AKS!

Today, we're gonna be selling

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