Hot Tub Time Machine Page #2

- Lou.

What the f*** is he doing here?

It's nice to see you, too, Lou.

"Nice to see you,

too, Lou." F*** you, Jacob.

You suck and you know it.

You just ruined my f***ing weekend.

Hey, Lily will come back. Trust me.

- No, she won't.

- No, she won't.

- No, she won't.

- No, she won't.

She basically thinks I'm an a**hole,

you know?

Like a completely self-absorbed,

delusional...

- She's got a point.

- narcissistic.

- F*** you.

- You're better off.

Take my word for it. Look at me.

F*** wives, man. F*** kids.

Lock it down

or they will take everything from you.

God damn it!

Who the f*** are you texting with?

Just a friend of mine.

Male or f***ing female?

For your information,

I've had a lot of girlfriends.

Hot ones.

You have had lots of boyfriends. Gay ones.

Hey, hey, hey, check this out.

I brought a regulation bar

for tubbing tonight.

Nice.

I've got vodka, f***ing Tequilles O'Neals.

You guys are gonna love this.

Check this out.

Chernobly.

It's like the Russian Red Bull.

It's got sh*t in it

that's not even legal here.

Like what sh*t?

How the f*** am I

supposed to know, dude?

But it's illegal.

Hey, why didn't we just go to Pinnacle?

It would have taken, like, half the time.

You wanna go to Kodiak Valley, trust me.

You're at the right age for it.

- Really?

- Yeah.

Nobody gets carded

and everybody gets laid.

K- Val! K-Val! K-Val!

- K-Val! K-Val!

- K-Val! K-Val!

Oh, sh*t! K-Val!

This? This is the coolest town ever?

F***! That used to be Papa Enzo's.

I broke up with Jenny Stedmeyer there.

- What made you break up with her, again?

- I don't know.

We swapped virginities junior year.

All we did was listen to records

and have sex.

And she was epic,

I mean she was... She was epic.

Yeah, man. She was hot.

And then when I broke up with her,

she was so mad,

she practically stabbed me in the eye

with a fork.

Actually, she did stab me

in the eye with a fork.

She was a one-percenter, man.

- Yeah.

- All downhill from there.

That was a big one. First love.

The one that got away.

The great white buffalo.

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

The great what?

Great white buffalo.

Why are you guys whispering?

Great white buffalo.

That was really helpful, you guys.

Thank you.

Look at this place.

I'm gonna make a prediction right now.

One of us is gonna start writing a novel,

and then we all get snowed in,

and then Lou's gonna ax murder all of us.

Motherfuck.

What's that smell?

F***ing cats.

Kind of a lot of cats. This sucks.

- Hi.

- Hi.

You got a reservation

for Webber-Agnew?

Sorry. What was that name again?

Webber-Agnew. Webber and Agnew.

I got a "Nick Webber-Agnew."

I'm sorry, excuse me. What?

What did you just say?

Webber-Agnew?

Webber-f***ing-Agnew?

You took your wife's last name?

You're a f***ing hyphenate?

A lot of dudes are doing it.

It's progressive.

No. No dudes are doing it.

You look like a progressive guy.

Is that progressive?

- Would you do that? No.

- No.

And he has a goatee.

Does this guy

seem a little imbalanced to you?

- No. Come on.

- He's right there. Shut up.

Let me give you a hand with that.

Hey!

I am not going to tell you again!

I can handle it.

This guy's a f***ing dick.

- Shh. He's disabled.

- He can hear you.

So what? He's exempt from

common f***ing courtesy

'cause he can't start a round of applause?

He's gotta jerk off one-handed?

I mean, I certainly don't take my hands

and I put them together and oil them up...

Hey, 420. Our old room. Check it out.

- That's okay man.

- Oh! Those are mine.

I'll just get those.

This is the part where you tip

the guy that helped you out.

I'm not the guy that...

Nick, pay the man something.

- I got it. Don't worry.

- This place looks like sh*t!

What happened to that guy?

Check this sh*t out. It's still there.

Adam sucks c*cks 'n' d*cks.

- It's your best work.

- F***ing burned you.

- Burned!

- Hey, guys, come take a look at this.

We got a hot tub.

- Sweet Jesus!

- Poor little fella.

This is obviously unacceptable, right?

We call downstairs,

get somebody to fix this?

Is anybody else hungry?

A little school spirit this time, huh?

- We're in, man.

- Just play it like you f***ing mean it.

- Like that.

- Yeah.

Yes, I would like to get a hooker

to f*** me and my friends.

What? Adam, I'm not doing that.

Whatever, semantics.

I want an escort to escort

our penises into her vagina.

I want the girl in the picture, too.

No tomfoolery.

- Wake her up, I don't care.

- Will you listen to him?

Does she do four?

What about three?

- Okay. Jacob, you're out.

- Okay. Good.

- I need $3,000.

- I'm not in. I'm married.

Adam, I need $2,000. Me and you, buddy.

- Come on.

- I'm out there, Violator.

Can I call you back, sir?

- Okay. Thank you. Bye.

- Sir?

Let's do something fun.

Let's create a memory, huh?

Let's get some cocaine

and break into a school.

Or steal a cop car or some sh*t, huh?

- Do you have Ritalin?

- No.

Don't f***ing lie to me.

Every one of you people have Ritalin.

- No, I don't.

- I'm sorry. You probably do have Ritalin.

I have some Ativan, but it's different.

- Let's stick it up our asses.

- Just give it to him.

No. It's not a suppository.

It doesn't matter. You crush it,

you put it in a warm paper towel,

run it under warm some water and you

stick it right up your ass. That works.

You put the paper towel up your ass, too?

- You crush up the...

- Hey, I got an idea,

- why don't we just play quarters?

- What?

I don't know what the f*** I'm gonna do.

I'm getting really sad.

You know what I'm talking about?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom

and be alone with my own thoughts.

Who knows

what's gonna happen up there.

Who knows what's gonna happen.

You better plan something fun.

Jesus!

Pussies. I'm going dancing.

I don't know, man.

Maybe coming here was a bad idea.

Yeah.

If he kills himself, can we go home?

Hard to believe this is the very room

we had some of the best weekends

of our lives.

Really? In this room right here?

How?

We were young. We had momentum.

We were winning.

We were best friends.

What do you mean, "were" best friends?

You know what I mean, man.

Everybody seemed to care more.

Everything seemed to matter more

back then.

Whatever.

Check it out. They must have fixed it.

Come on!

- How's the water, Violator?

- Oh, man.

You guys gotta get in here.

It's gonna f***ing change you.

Wait, why are you naked?

- You're all getting naked?

- Yep.

You don't think it's a little weird,

a bunch of guys just piling up

in a big bathtub together, naked?

Are you afraid

that some of these people might see you?

I'm sorry. If I'm being honest,

I'm not totally comfortable being around

a bunch of other naked dudes.

It's called male bonding, okay?

Haven't you even seen Wild Hogs?

Fine, get us some snacks.

You know what? F*** it.

I'm leaving my underwear on.

Yeah. Yeah. Very nice. Shut up!

Damn, it's good to be here

with you all again, man.

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