Hot Tub Time Machine Page #3

- It's good to be back here with you guys.

- Yep.

I want to toast to the good times.

And you, too, young blood.

Come on in, here.

Yeah!

This style seems wild

Wait before you treat me like a stepchild

Let me tell you why they got me on file

'Cause I give you what you lack

Come right and exact

I stand accused of doing harm

'Cause I'm louder than a bomb

Come on

Come on, louder

Come on

Come on

- Go, Violator!

- I'm gonna throw up.

Snap out of it!

Out the tub! Out the tub!

I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

I am a rock hard trooper

To the bone, the bone, the bone

Full grown

Consider me stone

Once again and

I say it for you to know

The troop is always ready

I yell "Geronimo"

Your CIA,

you see I ain't kiddin'

Both King and X

They got rid of both

And not the braggin'

or boastin'and plus

It ain't no secret why

they're tappin'my phone

Although I can't keep it a secret

So I decided to kick it, yo

And yes it weighs a ton

I say it once again

Tappin'my phone

They never leave me alone

'Cause I'm louder than a bomb

Hey, little buddy.

Dude.

Where did the squirrel go?

Yeah. Yeah!

- This is the black diamond?

- Sh*t.

- Terrifying.

- That's all you got?

- I don't remember this.

- What do you think, boys?

Tips down.

Tips f***ing down, right away.

Let's ride.

I feel 19 again!

What is that?

Stop it, Lou.

Stop it, Lou!

Whoo!

Coming through!

You goddamn kids!

- Slow down!

- Hey!

Yard sale, b*tches!

F***!

- We dead.

- Are you guys alive? Holy f***.

By all counts we should be

pretty f***ed up right now, but I...

I kind of feel great.

I feel crazy right now.

I feel fantastic!

I wanna f*** something!

- There they are.

- I see it, Chaz. Thanks.

What is that one plank thing

that guy's got?

I don't care. It's going up his ass.

Way to go, rookie!

Wow! Nice.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa...

Those are the kind of ski shenanigans

I don't allow on my mountain.

Yeah. Come on, guys.

What are you looking at, Nancy?

No. I mean...

Hey, look, it's the douche bag

from Karate Kid III.

I know that guy.

Hey, guys.

Is there some kind of weird retro thing

going on this weekend?

Can't get any bars.

Morty! Yeah, it's Chuck.

You're never gonna believe

where I'm calling you from, man.

I'm on a mountain on my phone! Yeah.

Yeah, well, a bet's a bet. I want my $2.

I'm telling you,

something weird is going on.

Demand your MTV.

I want my MTV.

S- A-F-E-T-Y

Safe, dance!

I love your hair.

I have a question.

...can still tell me that's true.

But the facts and the evidence

tell me it is...

Dude is rocking a cassette player.

Just relax.

I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation

- for all this sh*t.

- Don't f***ing tell me to relax.

I said relax for a minute.

Leg warmers?

Jheri curl?

"Where's the beef?"

Excuse me, miss,

what color is Michael Jackson?

Black.

Hold on! Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

Nick, come on, man! Nick! Nick!

Who the f*** is that?

That's probably Ashton Kolchak right now

telling us we've been punked or whatever.

- Okay.

- Come on. Come on.

Hey. Hey, guys. I've got your luggage.

He's got both arms. Get him!

- What?

- Check his arm.

- Are you raping?

- Wait! Hold on! Are we raping him?

Nobody's raping anybody!

Where's your missing arm, motherf***er?

Hey! God! That's my arm!

- It's fake!

- It's real!

It's got freckles on it and sh*t!

Do I really got to be the a**hole that says

we got in this thing

and went back in time?

It must be some kind of

hot tub time machine.

- Wow, my old stuff.

- Look at this sh*t, man.

- You have a bong?

- I did.

"Eddie Lives."

This shirt got me so much f***ing p*ssy.

You wanna see

what got a lot of p*ssy?

What's the tape recorder for?

- Recording tape.

- I gotta take a piss.

- This jacket right here, baby.

- Holy f***!

What are you,

Hunter S. Thompson?

- I thought I was.

- Is that coke?

What the f*** you think it is?

Baby powder?

Wait. How is this happening?

Can we talk about this for a minute?

Holy f***! Winterfest '86.

We were here, man.

- Guys.

- We are here.

- What if we run into ourselves?

- Guys!

We see ourselves and we blow up

and explode or some sh*t.

Get in here!

Didn't you all f***ing see Timecop?

God damn it!

Get the f*** in here right now!

Nobody wants to see your giant sh*t, Lou.

What, man?

Yeah, we're not gonna run into ourselves.

We are ourselves.

Why are we in our young bodies

and you in your regular body?

- I don't know.

- Shouldn't you be invisible?

Or swimming around

some guy's ball sack?

I know.

Because you guys exist here and I don't.

Hey, why are you flickering?

- What?

- What? What? Who flickered?

- He did.

- He's flickering.

I need you to touch my arm or something

to see if I'm still real, okay?

Just see if you

can put your hand through me.

Okay.

That's good.

I'm physically still here.

That's good, I think.

You look like Kid 'N Play.

That's actually two people.

I knew this trip was a bad idea.

Every time I hang out with you, man,

it's some kind of sh*t storm.

I got guilted into coming on this trip

and now I'm back in the f***ing '80s.

And I hate this decade!

Maybe it's your f***ing fault!

You're a f***ing insurance salesman,

you're practically the devil.

Guys! This is scientifically possible.

Oh, my God. Okay, Professor Hawking,

tell me in your robot voice

how this is scientifically possible.

All right, I write Stargate fan fiction,

so I think I know

what I'm talking about right now.

I seriously almost passed out,

you're such a dork.

Okay. The tub is obviously some kind

of energy vortex, right?

Like a black hole.

But, instead of being in space,

it's in a hot tub.

Time is not linear,

we just perceive it that way!

- What?

- Like The Terminator!

It's cyclical, right?

The machines send Schwarzenegger back

to kill Sarah Connor

so that John Connor could never be born.

But if John Connor don't send

Michael Biehn back to protect her,

then they never f***, and John Connor

ain't born in the first place!

- It checks out.

- Yeah, that's pretty good.

Wait, wait, check the f***ing drawer.

See if the carving's there.

Check the f***ing drawer.

F***!

It's gone.

This sh*t is real.

The carving you made 20 years ago,

about me sucking c*cks and d*cks,

- it's not there.

- Wait.

Is "c*cks" still there?

- Nothing. I mean, it's not there.

- What about "d*cks"?

Neither "c*cks," nor "d*cks," nor "sucks."

Oh, God!

That's it.

We stuck in the f***ing '80s!

How am I supposed to get a job?

I'm so scared.

Looks like

you burned out your...

Heck, you fried your timing crossover.

Would you mind putting that down, sir,

that coal shovel,

before somebody gets hurt?

Did somebody call you?

Excuse me one minute.

Who ever calls us?

And who answers

when the call comes from within? Huh?

I thought maybe I could pull the part

from one of the other tubs.

But it turns out this is

a very special model that you have here.

You've got to be very careful, I tell you.

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