Hot Tub Time Machine 2 Page #7

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Well, Lou, as you know,

with Choozy Doozy...

You choose it, you dooze it!

You choose it, you dooze it.

I'm sorry. I dooze what now?

Oh, sh*t!

- Come on up here, Lou!

- This is crazy!

Stop smiling!

And, we're back with the Celebrity

Choozy Doozy challenge round.

We have Nick Webber along

with his pal, Lou Dorchen!

What exactly is this?

It's the number one show on TV.

Okay, load 'em up!

What the f***?

I don't think this is real.

Yeah. It's like Lawnmower Man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Just like Lawnmower Man,

except, you know,

we're supposed to f***.

Yeah, well, that's not going to happen.

Bring me the thing!

Well...

I'm glad we're on the same page.

What's going on? Lou!

Motherf***er!

- This is getting a little dark.

- Dark? What do you mean?

Okay, if this is the most popular show,

give me some of the other shows?

Yeah, of course.

There's Toddler In The Wild,

there's Mommy, I'm Drowning,

there's Daddy. Where Are You Going?

There's Building Explosion.

- Building Explosion?

- Yeah, Building Explosion.

It just shows big buildings

falling down, and...

Kids, like, trapped in the basement,

and the building falls,

and they're like,

"Ma, get me out of here."

And it shows them how

to get out in an emergency,

but also tells them when to give up.

Bing bong! What's the delay?

Hey.

Hey. There's something

trying to kill us here.

That's 10,000 volts of electricity

coursing through the suits

that you're wearing back here

in the studio!

Every week,

it's the same goddamn thing.

It's guy on guy, girl on girl.

Sometimes it's even guy on girl.

What is the big deal with the two

of you boys sleeping together?

You're acting like it's 2010,

for Christ's sakes.

Now, we got a show to do, boys!

So start f***ing!

Dude, is there, like,

a stage manager around?

I mean, they're gonna kill these guys.

Hey, I'm sorry. Look.

If you're gonna sit next to me,

I need to know right now,

do you have a problem with this show?

Well, yeah, clearly I have

a problem with this show.

I mean, look, this is grotesque.

Jacob. This is a great show.

This is the number one show

in the nation.

This is a show that families enjoy.

- Okay?

- This is a family show?

- Absolutely.

- Like, it's on at, like, 8:00?

It's on at 7:
00 on Sunday nights

against Butthole Nation.

And it always wins.

Classic Lou.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm sorry, Lou.

I know you are, buddy! I know!

I know. I love you, man!

Don't say that!

I don't wanna have an emotional

connection to this moment!

What... God forbid a couple of friends

can't express

their brotherly love for each other!

I love you.

I told you to stop saying that!

I'm so sorry!

So there are no more sex taboos?

Well, I guess bestiality.

But only from

a community property perspective.

What do you mean?

Oh, you don't remember

Llama v. Ferguson?

Guy tries to divorce a llama,

and the land is in dispute

because the llama needs to graze?

But people still eat animals, right?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And animals

eat people, it's all the same.

You got a tuft of hair

coming out your crack.

Don't f***in' worry about it, okay?

I'll get your grooming tips later.

- Are you ready?

- Yeah.

Okay. I love you.

All right! Put it in slow!

Really slow!

One...

Two...

- Take that dick.

- What the f***?

Come on! It's just something I say.

"Take that dick"?

Wait, hold on! Stop, stop, stop!

Looks like somebody chose a lifeline!

Me! Me! I did it! I chose it!

Who will the lucky winner be?

What happens? Do we get waffles?

- What happened?

- It's a lifeline,

so the chooser picks a new doozer.

You gotta choose someone, Lou.

Choose waffles.

Okay, I get it. I get it.

All right. All right.

Yeah, I know just the guy.

He loves this show.

No, no, no. I'm...

I'm actually getting married tonight,

so I can't.

It's actually an issue of fidelity.

I cannot do this.

You're a monster, Lou.

What's up?

Get ready, 'cause here it comes.

Here what comes?

That's my butt!

Wow! That was good TV.

You know what, Adam,

I thought about it.

You can call me Uncle Lou now.

Holy sh*t! Did you see that?

You're a f***ing lunatic!

- Was that the same car?

- Couldn't be.

That car tried to

run me down on purpose.

Did you see that?

What if that car's my murderer?

You were shot in the dick in the past,

remember?

Like that would be

the craziest f***ing thing

that's ever happened to us.

That car's an a**hole.

The car's not an a**hole.

You're an a**hole.

Whoa. Where'd that come from?

Everything is all about Lou.

No regard for anybody else.

I'm pretty sure that's never

been the case at all, ever.

Because of you, Adam just got raped.

Are we calling it a rape?

Whoa! Nobody got raped.

It felt like kind of a gray area.

You're a f***ing virus, Lou.

You find a vulnerable host,

and you attach yourself

and you just f*** 'em all up.

Okay.

Okay. Someone needs

to find a chill-out tent.

Let's get you a comfy couch and

a video game. What do you say?

Where does it say in the Shitty Parent's

Handbook to treat your son like sh*t?

Well, if it's a Shitty Parent's

Handbook,

wouldn't it be, like,

the theme of the whole book?

- No, he's right. Wait.

- No, no, no.

It's a step-by-step guide

for how to be a shitty parent.

- Exactly.

- Shitty Parenting for Dummies.

Okay. You're right. I apologize.

I apologize. You were totally wrong.

No, why would someone write that book?

Why would that book exist?

Actually, Nick's idea about retitling it

Shitty Parenting for Dummies

is a solid idea.

- If you want to use the metaphor again.

- It's an impulse buy.

All right, you know what?

Forget it. You're right, that's fair.

It was a misleading title.

But the point is...

F*** you!

If they're not gonna say it, I will.

I am so tired of solving your problems.

You wanna stop your murder,

figure it out yourself.

I'm going to Winkle's.

- Jacob, what the f***?

- Youngblood!

No. You know why?

'Cause as long as we're here,

I'm Jacob f***ing Dorchen!

And that means something.

Jacob, come on!

Youngblood, we got to figure this out.

You're the only one

keeping track of important stuff!

I mean...

You know what? F*** it. F*** it.

Who cares? Who needs him?

I don't need him.

Hey, I'm getting married today, guys.

What do you say we kick this day

in the pants

and get over there early

for some Bloody Mary-tinis?

I'm sorry.

Can I just get rid of this thing?

No! She said not to

take it off for 24 hours.

- Or what?

- I don't know.

Yeah, exactly.

If I had a dime for every time

I did something a cocktail waitress

told me not to do,

I'd be rich. Look.

Oh, my God,

the cocktail waitress was wrong.

Sorry, my mistake.

I should listen to you more often, Lou.

All right.

You just learned a valuable life lesson.

I did.

Guys?

Come on.

God. So...

- 911, right?

- Yeah.

F***ing disgusting, dude!

Okay, you're sick. You made your point.

Come on, Lou,

you know he can't help it.

You okay, buddy?

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