Hot Tub Time Machine 2 Page #8

---

Okay, this is becoming

a bit of a hygiene issue.

All right, let's see what we have here.

Okay, yeah.

Kel.

Come on, really?

Divorced? What the f***

are you talking about?

Kelly, we're soul mates.

Not anymore.

- Mommy?

- No, I'm not your mommy.

- Homie?

- Yeah, I'm your homie.

Was it something you did?

If so, I don't care.

I don't care. I forgive you.

Put this in his mouth.

If you don't communicate with me,

I can't fix this!

You can't fix anything.

Hey, bite down on this. Good. Okay.

What's going on?

Here we go.

Okay.

That's actually not bad.

You know, it's, like, kind of sweet.

What's happening to him?

This is totally normal.

The nanobots are attacking

the narcotics.

How long has he been on heroin?

It was a Ladybug.

- Wait, the sticker?

- Yeah, on the neck.

Yeah. We normally give Tylenol for that.

I just pumped him full of...

Narcotic-seeking nanobots?

- Yeah.

- Whoops.

You're a great listener.

I should have married you.

Look, Kel, I'm sorry, okay?

I'm sorry.

Can we just move on?

I did move on, Lou. I got clean.

You're the one who doesn't

have a rock bottom.

I just pray that

there's still hope for Jacob.

This ain't a circus!

Quit juggling

and make some f***ing drinks!

Hey! Jake the Snake!

Hey, is it still day out there?

Who gives a sh*t? What can I get you?

I'll take everything!

You sure about that?

'Cause, remember what

happened last time?

Everything.

Okay.

All right!

Set Mr. Dorchen up with the usual...

And, you know, call security.

The nanobots can't find any drugs,

so they're traveling to

the lowest part of his body,

where they'll harden and expand.

- His feet?

- In his testicles.

Well, that hardly seems like

the lowest part of his body.

- Sh*t!

- What's happening?

Okay. It's now or never.

What are you doing?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What is that?

What you gonna do with that?

Stick him! Stick him!

Oh, sh*t!

That's a lot of juice!

Okay! Enough!

Now what's gonna happen,

I'm going to pull this out,

and there might be some leakage, okay?

Don't pull it out. Don't pull it out.

- I like it where it is.

- One, two, three...

- Wow! Okay.

- F*** your ball juice!

I walked right into that one. Literally.

I don't know about you guys,

but I feel way better.

There's definitely semen in that.

There's definitely f***ing semen

in that.

Did you taste the robots?

They're gritty.

F***ing bottle service.

Hey!

Every f***ing weekend.

Hey, baby.

You're a f***-up, Jacob.

Just like your loser dad.

I'm not anything like my f***ing dad!

No... No, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

I know how this looks.

No. You don't.

You see my son? Do you know my son?

Jacob!

Has anybody seen

a grown-up Garbage Pail Kid?

There's Winkle.

I pay you girls to like me. Hey, smile!

Hey!

Electric Ladybug, huh?

- F*** you, dude!

- Yeah.

Hey, how you doing?

I'm doing f***ing shitty, Gary.

Still haven't found my killer,

and there's a car trying to run me down.

I hear you there, brother.

I had a Passat follow me

around for three weeks one time.

Had to buy it rims to make it go away.

You know what I'm talking about, huh?

Where's Jacob?

I had to throw him out, like I always do.

You know what I mean?

He said something about going

to see his family therapist,

whoever the f*** that is.

I know where he is.

I'm not that strong.

Hey, son.

It's Daddy.

It's a nice... Nice place.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, like, as far as rooms go,

this is one of the biggest.

- A great room is a great room.

- I could see myself chilling here.

Right. Throwing some football.

Having a football match right

in the middle of the floor.

Football, basketball,

you know, just all the sports.

I'm so comfortable

and relaxed right now.

Me, too.

- Hey, Adam...

- Yeah.

...about what happened

at Choozy Doozy...

No, it was... You know, it was virtual.

Yeah. Virtual.

So it was just like...

It's in the ether.

- It does not exist.

- Who cares?

That sh*t happened.

Yeah, we should get

that show cancelled.

Or at least arrest someone.

I could've ate some goddamn waffles.

It's like you shoved

a f***ing Buick up my butt.

I got a Buick dick.

You do.

Sh*t got bad, Lou.

I mean bad like the part

of Boogie Nights

after Mark Wahlberg jerks off

in the pickup truck.

I mean, here we are,

with the greatest power

the universe has to offer

at our fingertips

and we're just a bunch of f***-ups.

Jacob, I know

what you're going through.

Yeah, I know that you do.

You're the biggest f***-up I know.

Look.

You know, all Dorchen men

end up on a roof

at some point in their lives.

We party till we want to kill ourselves.

My dad did it.

And your son will do it after you.

Even Grandpappy Dorchen?

Jumped off a roof, survived,

died of syphilis.

Jacob, how can we expect

to find happiness

anywhere in time

if we're just not happy people?

We do the best that we can.

Here comes the hug monster.

All right. Come on.

Let's go do some more dumb sh*t.

- Whoa!

- I got you!

- Lou, don't drop me!

- I got you!

- Don't drop me!

- I'm not gonna let you fall, I promise.

- I trust you.

- Okay.

- F***, I'm gonna drop you!

- Don't drop me! Don't drop me!

I'm dropping you! You fell!

F*** you!

No!

Suicide prevention activated.

Look at that. Force field.

This is a great call.

I must have invented that.

Seriously. Thank you, Dad.

My pleasure, son.

- Is it fun?

- Yeah, it's kind of fun.

You know what?

I'm coming down, too!

Guys, guys, guys, come on!

We got a murder to solve here, huh?

Let's think. It's not Winkle.

It's obviously not Jacob.

- Right?

- Hey.

- No? Right.

- Come on. Come on.

All right. Okay.

Some curious news out

of the tech sector today.

A new synthetic element

has been developed.

The new element invented

by Brad Syed of Lougle Labs,

is tentatively being

called nitrotrinadium.

That's it.

- Brad never liked me.

- No?

And Brad's going to Adam's wedding.

I keep forgetting you guys know Brad.

It's gonna be fun, my wedding.

I'm looking forward to it.

F***! My wedding!

Jill's going to kill me.

I have to go change.

Oh, God. I can't believe

that son of a b*tch stole my idea.

Let's split up and find Brad on three.

One, two, three.

Split up and find Brad

before he goes back in time

and kills Lou!

- Wow! We are so locked in.

- Same page.

- We are so locked in.

- Same page.

- That's awesome.

- Right.

It's normal for men

to blow off some steam

before their wedding, right?

Adam? What'd he do,

have a light lunch and a spa day?

He did drugs and had sex with a man

he barely knows on national TV.

That doesn't sound like Adam.

Honey, like you said,

he's just blowing off steam.

Why didn't I blow off steam?

I have steam to blow off.

All I did was get my hair done!

- It looks beautiful.

- Shut up, you dumb slut.

You blew half of Pittsburgh

before your bachelorette party.

Get me some champagne.

I don't know what's taking Jill.

You think she saw Choozy Doozy?

Does she watch it?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes