House Arrest Page #4

and caviar dreams.

- We'll look forward to joining you...

- Incoming!

- ... on the next edition of...

- This way, my friend.

Hey, guys.

Everything okay?

- Everything is just groovy.

- Fine.

Well, listen.

I brought some company.

I think we can help her.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Cindy Figler, Brooke's mom.

I'm here for the emergency

PTA meeting.

Come on in. Everybody's downstairs.

Cool.

Hello. My daughter says there's

some kind of health problem at school.

- Yeah, lice.

- Lice?

I don't understand.

Isn't that some disease

from the Middle Ages?

Hi.

Everybody's right down here. Go ahead.

That way.

That's your mom?

Is this the PTA meeting?

Mom.

Brooke, don't call me Mom.

I have a name. What is it?

What is it?

- Cindy.

- Thank you.

- Fresh meat.

- Excuse me.

What seems to be the problem here?

- We've been kidnapped, honey.

- Kidnapped?

My name is Gwenna.

This is my husband, Donald.

Everybody, let's get started.

Just gather around the door.

We're going to start group therapy.

What? Group therapy?

That's funny. You're gonna need

physical therapy when I'm done.

What's going on?

- You understand me?

- We'll explain it to you.

Mom, you dress like me,

you look like me, you talk like me,

you say "cool," Mom.

Not group therapy.

It was a nice try.

Now.

Does anybody

wanna play some football?

Guys!

All right, there's no need to shout.

I always believe we should

relate to children as adults and peers.

I think if we talk to them very calmly...

Watch this. Brooke, honey.

- Come here.

- Go deep.

Brooke, it's Cindy.

Obviously, you're feeling confused

about something.

Brooke, darling.

This way.

Hey, Barndoor. Incoming.

This way!

- Dude!

- Why did you do that?

Shut up, okay? Everybody just shut up,

and listen for a second.

Come on, Groves. You don't...

Your parents are here because

you guys said they needed help.

Now you could just care less.

You're too busy playing football

or watching TV or having some party.

Who died and made you housemom?

I've got news for all of you.

This was my idea, remember?

It's not a joke, and it's not a party.

I'm not doing this to impress anybody.

You got that, Matt?

Or are you too busy kissing up to T. J?

Well, what's wrong with that?

Go ahead.

Beat me up.

T.J., let him go.

"T.J., let him go."

From now on, you're gonna start

to listen to what I have to say.

Or I'm gonna let all the parents out.

Come on.

You're such a bully.

My mother needs help.

Dude, let him go.

You guys heard the man.

Now, let's listen up.

Okay. First order of business.

We gotta clean the house. After that,

we're going to make

this group therapy thing work.

But, Grover, how are we going

to get them to listen to us?

I've got an idea.

Don't hover over me.

You made me drop the Adam's apple.

I'm sorry, Vic. My God, it's just a game.

They've been vacuuming up there

for over an hour.

I hope they haven't stained my carpet.

What do you use?

For really tough ones,

I dab a little detergent.

Then I sprinkle

with a little talcum powder.

Does that blot?

Hello. What is this, vacation?

We're being outwitted by a bunch

of snot-nosed kids. Come on.

There's gotta be a way out of here.

Excuse me, I'm not sure

who elected you mayor of the basement

but this is my house,

and I also happen to be an architect,

so I think I would know

every nook and cranny...

Of course.

- What?

- The laundry chute.

Do you remember

when we bought the house,

there was a laundry chute that went

from our bedroom to the basement?

You closed it 'cause you were scared

the kids would fall through.

- It's under the drywall.

- The laundry chute!

Where are the plans?

Now we're going up the laundry chute.

Even marry your own brother?

He's not my brother. He was

my brother, but he's my husband now.

Hi. You don't happen to have

a cigarette, do you?

Yes. As a matter of fact, I do.

I have one cigarette

that I've carried in my purse

ever since I quit smoking five years ago.

Any time I get the urge, I pull it out,

and I look at it, and I say,

"Who's stronger, you or me?"

That cigarette...

That's so good. Good for you.

- Thanks.

- Can I have it?

No. It has sentimental value.

Don't label them all, all right?

This crap's labeled, these aren't.

- I just...

- Found it!

- Found it.

- Got it!

Good. Now we're getting somewhere.

Okay. Here we go. Let's see.

Watch out.

Stop that, Grover.

Watch out.

Grover, what are you...

- Is that a camera?

- It has a camera for a head.

Testing. Testing. Testing.

Five, four, three, two...

Hello, and welcome

to The Grover Beindorf Hour,

live from up above.

These are my assistants.

We are here to help you.

Oh, my God.

Did you say something, Mom?

Yeah, the holes.

If you're mad about the holes,

don't worry.

I promise, it may take 30 years

but I'll pay you back for them.

Okay, everybody, let's get started.

- Mrs. Finley, please move the TV...

- I've had enough.

...under the camera, everybody make

a semicircle around the TV

and we'll begin with a little music

to remind us of better days gone by.

Remember this one?

One, two, three, four.

No. We're not just getting started,

we're finishing.

It's ending, it's over right now! Finito!

Pull it up!

- Faster!

- Teddy, Jimmy. Pull it up.

I hate that song.

That was our song.

Well, how am I supposed

to remember that?

- I gotta get out of here.

- It was.

Everyone is going to participate, Dad.

And why's that, son?

Well, because if you don't,

we won't feed you. Then,

we'll shut off the water, which means,

once you flush that toilet,

your drinking water's gone.

- You wouldn't.

- Of course he wouldn't.

Oh, yes, we would, Louise.

Now, move the TV.

Come on, help me move the TV.

It will start out easy.

I promise, it won't be hard.

When we're through,

we'll have a little lunch.

- Maybe.

- How's that?

You know, my son's got a point.

T.J., I just wanted to say...

- What's wrong?

- What's the matter?

What's happening?

- Help!

- Do something!

- What do we do?

- Stacy, call 911!

Breathe in his mouth!

Dad, cut it out. Everyone sit down,

and let's get this thing going.

- Please.

- He's trying to breathe on his own.

- Get off me.

- It worked.

He's alive. Did you see that? He's alive.

Cool.

- That just wasn't funny at all.

- At least I tried.

Okay. Everybody,

settle down.

settle down.

I think that the kids

have a very good idea here.

It's obviously important to them,

and I think that we should cooperate.

I certainly don't want

to drink toilet water.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, I think my wife is right.

Why don't we get in that circle thing,

that they were saying?

Good, good, good. Okay.

Okay, let's start out easy,

by going down the line,

and saying our names and occupations.

We'll start on Dad's end. Dad?

Dad.

Ned Beindorf.

I'm an architect.

I work at Mitchell Engineering.

Or at least I did.

Oh, me? I'm Cindy Figler.

I'm a dental hygienist by day,

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