House Arrest Page #5

and I'm a performance artist by night.

Mom, you're a waitress.

Brooke, I am not a waitress.

You know I get up

and perform those pieces.

I only serve coffee between sets.

Anyhow, I think it's way cool

that you kids

have chosen to share your feelings

with us.

God, she's doing it again.

What? Your mom's okay.

She's talking like me. I can't stand it.

What's she talking about?

I think we should all hold hands.

Mom, please stop it.

I'm Victor Finley.

But everybody just calls me Vic.

Hi, Vic.

I'm a salesman at Buckeye Big and Tall.

You know.

"If you're big and tall,

and you want to look sporty,

"come on down to Buckeye's,

and ask for Shorty."

Hi.

I'm Louise Finley,

and I am a part-time cosmetologist

at Stang's Pharmacy,

and I'm Vic's full-time audience.

Yes, well.

I'm always getting standing ovations,

especially in bed.

This is great. We're all talking.

Let's continue.

Mom?

Yes?

What were you doing?

Just stretching, honey. My back hurts

very much. I didn't sleep well.

I'm Janet Beindorf,

and I'm a loan officer at Defiance Bank.

I'm in charge of

keeping 317 credit histories up to date

and ready at a moment's notice.

So, you're the one!

He loves to play games

with finance people.

Stop it. Just stop it.

Next.

Dad?

Yes, I'm Donald Krupp, attorney at law.

I want you kids to know

that you are guilty of kidnapping

under Ohio revised code,

Section 2905.01.

This is an aggravated felony

of the first degree.

- Second degree under the revised code.

- Gwenna, I'm talking.

Mrs. Krupp, what were you saying?

Gwenna Krupp, homemaker.

That's it. I've had it. This is ridiculous.

Your son is truly certifiable.

Wait a minute.

- My son is certifiable?

- Yeah, your son.

How about when

the yearbook comes out

and your kid's picture's gonna be there,

"Most likely to be a serial killer."

That's your boy.

Everybody just settle down, okay?

That's right. Go ahead, push me.

That's worth a few thousand bucks.

Come on. Go ahead.

Okay, everybody settle down.

Violence doesn't solve anything.

- This is better than American Gladiator.

- Give him a left.

Everybody has to take a deep breath.

The squirt guns.

Hurry.

You're acting like children.

You take your dad, I'll take mine.

- I'm gonna faint.

- This is horrible.

Louise, I'm sorry.

I didn't know what it was.

What can I do? I'm sorry.

We're taking a break.

But you guys aren't getting any lunch,

you're not getting any dinner,

you're not getting anything,

until you apologize.

He started it.

Janet? Ralph Doyle here.

Listen, I'm leaving town on Monday.

Please give me a call before then.

So, what's next?

We just wait.

- My dad's pretty stubborn, you know?

- Yeah, so is ours.

You know, your mom's been

handling this the best of all.

Yeah. She should. She's been

in therapy since the day I was born.

Well. It worked.

She's always been

the most popular mom on the block.

That was okay when I was seven.

Now she wants to, like, go

and hang out with me and my friends,

or worse, go out with us.

I just wish she'd learn

to stay out of my life.

At least she cares enough

to try to stay in it.

You know,

I don't see why this is necessary.

That old fart still thinks he's chief

of police. He's dangerous, okay?

Yeah, but I don't know about this.

All right. Prepare for demonstration.

Now, it's just really quite simple, okay?

Rocco trips over a series of

carefully disguised wires,

et voila!

- Awesome.

- Wow.

I think you might want to give this

a little more thought.

- I think maybe this'll work for you.

- Thank you.

Grover?

Grover? Grover.

- Yeah, Mom?

- Can I talk to you upstairs, please?

- Grover, whose dog is that?

- Matt's.

This has gotten out of hand.

It's very tense down here, especially

between your father and Mr. Krupp.

Tell them to start getting along.

They're adults.

You know how your father gets.

He's not gonna back down.

Especially when his pride is hurt.

- Honey, please just let us out.

- I can't do that.

Well, at least give us some food.

Something's gotta bend here.

Now, I know these people

are your hostages.

But they're also guests in our home,

and we don't treat guests this way.

So why don't you make a meatloaf?

There's some turkey in the fridge,

and you can use Aunt Mary's recipe.

Yeah, I know, Mom.

I've made meatloaf and lasagna,

pot roast.

You don't have to leave notes for me,

or hide them in my lunch,

laminate lists for me.

I'm not a kid anymore.

I know.

Here they are.

Thanks.

- Ned, Ned.

- Yes?

Do you think Krupp is right?

Do you think we're bad parents?

I think Krupp is an idiot.

No, I don't think

we've been bad parents.

I think you've done a great job.

- Listen. We found the chute.

- Great.

Okay. I think the kids are gonna be

distracted cooking for a while, let's go.

- All right. We gotta organize. Louise?

- What?

- Could you watch the stairs?

- Where?

- At the top of the stairs.

- Okay.

Cindy, could you find something sharp

to dig with over there?

Incoming!

Sleeping bags? Thanks.

- Gwenna, sleeping bags.

- Sleeping bags!

I got something!

You can hit the thing,

even if it's really hard.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Where? Where? Where?

- Straight up.

- Straight up?

Mine eyes have seen the glory

of the coming of the Lord

Louder, louder!

Forks on the left,

knife and spoon on the right.

Well, our silverware usually comes

wrapped in plastic.

Doesn't your mom cook?

- She can defrost it.

- Or have it delivered.

Actually, guys, the glasses go on the...

Wait a minute. Who's gonna say

anything if we change things around?

"Obi-Wan has taught you well."

Well, shall we?

Here we are.

This is unbelievable.

Yeah. This is really nice.

I still can't believe you're here.

Why not?

Because, you know,

you're Brooke Figler.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Gorgeous, popular, legendary.

And what are you?

Invisible.

Everyone's invisible to the Ice Queen.

She has her image to uphold.

How would you know?

In eighth grade,

I sat behind you for a whole year.

I felt the chill.

You never even came to class.

Did I strike a nerve?

Come on, you guys,

you're acting like them.

She's right. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Me, too.

You know, they could learn from us,

I mean, if we could get along.

That's one thing all of us have

in common. Our parents are nuts.

If my mom reads one more

New Age self-help book...

My mom still labels my sandwiches.

What about Matt's dad

with those jokes?

- What's wrong with my dad's jokes?

- Yeah. They're funny.

We happen to like them.

And then there's my parents.

When you get old, you get crazy.

I'm not gonna be like that

when I grow up.

Me neither.

You know, this dinner calls

for a special celebration.

And a little music. I'll be right back.

What are you doing? No!

What's a little fine dining

without some bubbly?

You don't understand! My mom

has been saving that for 14 years!

- She's gonna kill me.

- No wine before your prime.

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