House of 1000 Corpses Page #19

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A stage set pieced together from amusement park wreckage.

A giant painted plywood devil looms over the stage, surrounded

by dancing skeletons and demon girls.

A microphone stands center stage.

BILL:

(quietly)

I can't believe what I'm seeing.

JERRY:

I know, this is f***ing nuts.

MARY:

This is starting to make me real

uncomfortable.

BILL:

Just sit back and enjoy the show.

The sound of CANNED APPLAUSE fills the room. Bill begins to

applaud, Jerry and Denise join in. Mary does not.

GRAMPA (V.O.)

Ladies and gentlemen, straight from

his smash six week sold out run at

Tiki-Ti Club... the Stardust lounge

is proud to present Mr. Sexy

himself... Grampa Hugo.

Grampa walks out to center stage, mic in hand and begins to

speak.

GRAMPA:

Hey, let me tell ya a story... so

I'm hanging out with my buddy Hal

Jackowictz and I'm like, hey Hal

let's go get some booze and chase

the chickens... f***ing Hal says no,

no the old battle axe at home will

break my balls... I gotta get my ass

home.

The kids stare in shock at Grampa. Jerry begins to laugh.

GRAMPA:

So, I tell 'im... Hal, here's the

secret. Go home tonight, crawl into

bed, get under the covers and eat

your wife's p*ssy... I mean jam your

face right in the bush.

Jerry starts to giggle.

DENISE:

(quietly)

What are you laughing at?

JERRY:

I don't know, I think he's funny.

DENISE:

This isn't funny, it's twisted.

GRAMPA:

So, Hal goes home, jumps in, starts

chomping and licking away at her

p*ssy, she's screaming and howling...

totally passes out from the

experience.

MARY:

Dear God, let this end.

GRAMPA:

Now, Hal... He's feeling pretty good,

so he goes into the bathroom for a

quick shave...

(pauses)

...suddenly he lets out a horrible

scream. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The recorded crowd chuckles.

GRAMPA:

Sitting there on the toilet is Hal's

wife Gloria... and she says, "Quiet

down, you'll wake Grandma!"

The recorded crowd screams with laughter, as does Jerry.

Bill, Denise and Mary look at him like he's crazy.

GRAMPA:

Thank you, you're too kind, too

kind... stay in your seats, coming

up next we got something special for

you men out there.

The curtains close and the stage goes dark.

DENISE:

Sh*t, I'm all for being a sport, but

this is ridiculous.

BILL:

(looking at his watch)

Man, it's already ten thirty.

MARY:

I'm with Denise, can't we just walk

to someplace, this is getting f***ing

stupid.

JERRY:

Negative. Sh*t, we are so deep in

the sticks we could walk for hours

and find zero.

BILL:

Yeah, I'd say at this point all we

can do is just wait it out. There's

nothing else.

DENISE:

I suppose. I mean they're obviously

all bonkers, but I guess they're

harmless.

MARY:

I f***ing hope so.

The stage lights come up. The recorded applause and music

begin.

Baby enters the stage. She is dressed in a home-made showgirl

outfit. She begins to dance clumsily to the music. She appears

to be somewhat intoxicated.

The vocals come on and Baby begins to lipsync to the song.

DENISE:

You gotta be kidding me. This chick

is wasted.

JERRY:

Shhhhhh.

MARY:

How much is a person supposed to

stand?

BILL:

(motioning for Mary

to keep her voice

down)

Quiet.

MARY:

(sarcastically)

Oh, I'm sorry, bothering you? Was I

disturbing your viewing pleasure?

Baby makes her way down from stage on to floor level. She

gyrates and seductively TEASES one of the dummy audience

members.

Baby moves over to Jerry. Stroking her hand down his face.

Denise tries to look amused. Jerry smiles uncomfortably.

Baby strolls past Denise and stops in front of Mary.

Baby pauses and pinches Mary's cheek and winks. Mary is

FURIOUS.

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