House of 1000 Corpses Page #4

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EXT. COUNTRY ROAD - NIGHT

A LONE FIGURE in a cheap skull mask and white robe stands

hidden behind a billboard off to the side of the road. Bill's

car drives past.

BILL:

(yawning)

Hold on, I've heard this before...

but I can't remember the end.

JERRY:

So, the guy goes to Hell and the

devil says, "do you smoke?" The guy

say, "yeah"... the devil say, "great

cause Tuesday is cigar night, sweetest

Cuban cigars you ever had."

BILL:

Sh*t, we really need to find some

gas.

JERRY:

(not listening)

Then the devil asks, "do you drink?"

Guy says, "yeah"... devil say,

"wonderful, Wednesday is free drinks

night, best booze you ever had...

all made from the finest stuff."

BILL:

Yeah.

JERRY:

Then the devil says, "are you gay?"

Guy says, "f*** no"... Devil says,

"Well then, I guess you're gonna

hate Thursdays."

BILL:

Oh yeah, I remember now.

JERRY:

Yeah, no sh*t I just told ya.

(looking at magazine)

Hey, you think this place called

Alien Ed's UFO Welcoming Center is

still around? It says, "Where the

Fact is separated from the Fantasy."

BILL:

I dunno... we'll ask around as we

get closer. Man, I really don't want

to run out of gas out here in the

middle of Petticoat Junction, man.

JERRY:

(sitting up)

Don't panic yourself, way too much

caffeine guy... I see a sign.

(reading the sign)

Captain Spaulding's Museum of Madmen

and Monsters... cool. Also... fried

chicken and... gasoline... next exit.

BILL:

Perfect.

JERRY:

I hope this place is cool. We could

use something interesting to liven

up chapter 12.

The car drives past. We turn and hold on the billboard. We

see the happy smiling face of a young Captain Spaulding.

EXT. CAPTAIN SPAULDING'S - NIGHT

The car pulls up to one of the gas pumps. Bill and Jerry get

out. Inside we see Spaulding, now in army pants and a hunting

jacket, mopping the floor.

BILL:

I'll pump the gas. Go inside and see

if it's worth thinking about.

JERRY:

(salutes)

OK, Boss.

Jerry walks inside and immediately comes back out.

JERRY:

Holy crap. You gotta see this place.

It's awesome.

BILL:

How awesome?

JERRY:

Really f***ing awesome.

BILL:

Wake up the chicks and bust out the

camera awesome?

JERRY:

Hell yeah.

Jerry sticks his head back inside the car.

JERRY:

Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey.

INT. CAR - BACK SEAT - NIGHT

A dark haired girl, DENISE WILLIS, 27, sleeps curled up under

a blanket.

JERRY:

Come on, babe. Me and Bill found a

kick ass place.

She opens her eyes.

DENISE:

Huh?

JERRY:

Grab Mary and come inside.

Denise shakes a lump of jackets and sweaters lying next to

her. She removes a sweater from the top of the pile to REVEAL

the face of MARY KNOWLES, 29.

DENISE:

Come on sleeping beauty, time to go

to work.

MARY:

(half asleep)

Sleeping.

DENISE:

Rise and shine.

MARY:

(groggy)

No please, let me sit this one out.

DENISE:

(removing the blanket)

Let's go. You're the one who wanted

to be a photographer.

MARY:

I resign.

DENISE:

Too late. You're in for life, let's

move it out Private Shutterbug.

MARY:

(opening her eyes)

Christ, I hope this isn't more crappy

folk art. It's so quaint... it's so

primal... it's so crap.

DENISE:

Aw, it ain't crap... it's... cute.

(sarcastic)

...and really who are we to judge

the artistic merit of the tin-can

Mona Lisa?

MARY:

Aw, sh*t...

(exhales deeply)

I gotta pee anyway.

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