Housos vs. Authority Page #2

bro.

That's Dazza's other best mate, Kev,

and his missus, Vanessa.

She's not a bad bird,

but she's always on about her arse.

You two lazy pigs are just jealous, eh,

that you'll never

get this f***in' arse, eh?!

The f***in' bestest arse

in Sunnyvale, mate!

The bestest arse in f***in' Sunnyvale?

I'm surprised it fits

in f***in' Sunnyvale.

- Your head looks like a f***in' arse.

- It's a two-suburber.

I reckon she's got a donkey arse,

and the donkey wants it back.

You can't f***in' sleep there, mate.

Get that f***in' thing out of the way.

- Hey! Where youse off to?

- Oh, we're not ambos, mate!

- Just ring triple-O, ya pillock!

- Come help me!

Oh, sh*t!

Darren, go and get the letters.

I f***in' twisted me knee

when I slipped on the shitty nappy

that you didn't pick up!

You might remember

I did my f***in' hip, too,

which is why I can't work,

so I can't get up

and go and get the mail!

F***! Thanks for caring!

Reg! Get the letters.

The letters.

Tyres!

Why would they steal the f***in' tyres?

Give us back our f***in' tyres,

ya junkies!

Oh, me f***in' nuts!

You useless f***in' monger, Reg!

Don't speak to your stepfather

like that!

Oh, come on, Mum.

You don't even root him anymore.

You probably don't even toss him.

You're only with him

for a f***in' carer's benefit.

I'm not stupid!

Sharon!

Ya spastic f***in' clown.

Shut up!

- Hey, Shaz?

- What?!

I got a letter here for ya.

It's from Alice Springs.

I don't know anyone from Alice Springs,

ya d*ckhead!

Dear Sharon,

I know you're pissed off with me

because I ran off with Keith the

kangaroo trainer when you were three.

But right now, love,

put that emotion to the side.

I'm sick and I need to see ya.

Me address is on the envelope

and me phone number, too,

or you can add me on Facebook,

or you can send me a tweet.

Hurry, love. Your loving mum, Rayleen.

How could you leave me and Dad

for that f***in' gronk, Mum?

How could ya?

F***in' b*tch.

Oh, hey, Shaz,

I know you're upset

but I'm dying for a cone.

Can you chuck us the bong?

Nah, look, me mum

just sent me a letter saying she's sick

and I just don't know how to feel

about it, alright?

Didn't she piss off when you were a kid?

It's f***ed.

I don't even remember

that much about her, eh.

Except she taught me

how to roll me first joint.

I remember once Mum teaching me

me first f***in' swear word.

Your dad, Wazza,

is f***ed in the face, Shazza.

Say it. F***ed in the face.

F***ed in the face.

And the only other thing I remember

was catching Mum and Dad rooting

back in the day.

F***, Dad used to go hard

after he'd come home from the pub.

I never even got to know her.

She just pissed off, eh.

Like Mr Kelly says,

'Such is life', Shaz.

Now stop being

such a selfish mole,

and give us the f***in' bong!

Or at least a ciggie!

Piss off! Arggh!

Serves ya right, ya d*ckhead!

Arggh! Oh, sh*t, my f***in' arm!

Anybody video that?

Why weren't you filming?

I could have got more pension!

Ohh, sh*t!

Oh, f*** this!

I'm going down the icerink

with Franky and Kev!

Bring me some smokes!

And some tampons!

Oh, yeah! I just pay for 'em with me

imaginary credit card, you bloody idiot!

Don't grow up and be like Mummy, Neddy.

How could ya, Mum?

Oh, no, it's all good, mate.

Don't worry about payment.

It's pensioner-free Tuesday.

I'm on the pension.

VIP, very important pensioner.

Good on ya, mate.

Keep an eye on my wheels for me.

Dazza, you space cadet.

How you doing, man?

Yeah, not bad.

The missus has got the shits again.

How's the cripple drifting going?

Like, I think they've pulled off

a few decent moves today.

I've even seen, like, a couple of

these donuts they've been doing.

Spin 'em, Big Wheels! Go, mate!

It's not a patch on Bathurst, matey.

Oh, hey,

this'll make everything better, bro.

Franky, matey, what's going on

with the p*ssy lately?

'Cause you keep changing

your Facey status, eh.

I can't keep up, mate.

Yeah, man, look, I don't know,

the thing of it is, like,

I think I'm still full like cut

over what's happened to Kylie,

'cause I do feel like

I'm full responsible and that.

- I love you.

- I keep like doing my head in

by playing her last video message

over and over.

- I love you!

- Oh, it wasn't your fault, bro.

Just like a stale beer,

ya gotta move on, cuz.

But, man, like, you know,

I feel guilty 'cause,

look, I was the one

who asked her to tag that train,

like, as a love dedication tag.

You really gonna do it?

- I love you.

- Yeah, I love you, man!

And, like, you know, if probably

she had not tagged it for me...

Yeah, go, go.

...maybe she would not, like,

have got like hitten by the train.

Go, Kylie!

Kylie, that's too close for a tag!

Kylieeee!

- I love you.

- Kev's right, matey.

Ya just gotta get over it, eh.

Yeah, but, man, like, I've been trying.

Like, you know,

I've been rooting other chicks

to, like, make my brain forget

you know, about Kylie.

Franky, come on!

- Um...

- F***, Franky!

- Yeah, it's just not happening, mate.

- What?!

Like, I got back with Cheree, my ex.

F***, she used to be hot, man,

but then she got on the ice.

And now ya can't get a fat, mate.

She's a shocker.

I'm f***in' awesome. I still am.

I always was and I still am...

Shush, shush, shush, don't talk.

What? Tell me! Talk to me! F***!

Alright, you wanna know?

You're a skank, ya got on the ice

and now look at ya, mate!

Get out of my house! Get out, Franky!

Get out of here,

you stinking piece of sh*t!

- Ah, you're a skank, mate!

- You arsehole!

And you know the barmaid?

Like, from the pub?

Me and her have, like,

a semi-regular thing going.

- And youse know Kazza the stripper?

- Yeah.

Yeah, we're sort of been...

like an unofficial BF and GF.

- Ohh! Ohh! Ohh!

- Ohhhhhh!

I thought you were going out

with Kylie's sister now.

Nah, man.

Like, you know, she's just, like,

friends with benefits.

Sucked in, cops!

And the only reason

I let her stay, like, in my place

is 'cause she's up for, like,

threesomes and foursomes and that.

Ohh! Yeah!

My dick has never been happier.

But my heart

is, like, I don't know, man.

I've still got Kylie on my heart, mate.

Like a herpe on your heart?

Don't talk to me about herpe, man.

Crystal, I think, still has one.

Ahhhh!

My missus has got one of those

contraceptives in her arm.

You know, those little stick things?

I don't know what's in it, cuz,

but she either wants to bash me...

I hate you!

...or ride rodeo.

I'm so sorry, Kevin!

- Ahhhh!

- F***ing hell!

What, did your kids like try

and burn your house down again?

Yeah, bloody silly kids.

Hey, nothin' wrong

with kids burning sh*t down.

I burnt down me first school

when I was four, mate.

Just like Ned Kelly!

- Oh, choice tatt, bro.

- F***in' go, Neddy!

Hey! There's no alcohol in here, mate.

Hey, you know what I don't like,

d*ckhead?

When people like you

puttin' your authority on me.

My thong has gone on the ice.

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