How to Make Love to a Woman Page #2

-You've embarrassed yourseIf. . .

-No.

-Then decent. Then decent.

-Pretty decent is pretty--

Pretty.

I got somethin' decent for ya, baby,

and it's in my pants.

Hey, homey.

-Oh, yeah!

-What the f--

What is that?

That's buIIshit.

NANC Y:
Whoo!

DAVID'S MOM:

David, honey, dinner's ready.

Mom!

NANC Y:
Yeah, baby,

get that wiener out! Rarr!

So Iast night,

I think I heard Lauren sigh.

What do you mean?

After sex, she sighed.

You mean Iike--

[ Sighs with pIeasure ]

Not quite.

So, it was more Iike--

[ Sighs with disappointment ]

Yeah.

What's the probIem?

I don't think it's reaIIy a probIem.

I just need to make

a few adjustments.

My ex, Tricia,

it took Iike two minutes.

I couId give her a piggyback ride

to the car and she'd be done.

Lauren takes a Iot Ionger.

How much Ionger?

I don't know.

WeII, guesstimate.

No, reaIIy, I don't know.

Wait. How Iong

have you two been going out?

A year.

A year?!

An entire year and nothing?

Are you kidding me, Andy?

A year? I mean, a year's

a reaIIy Iong time to not even--

Okay, yeah, I get it.

Thank you, Nomi.

I'm just saying, Iike,

you couId reaIIy get benched

for something Iike that.

Hey, Andy, what is up?

Andy can't satisfy his girIfriend.

Ooh, what's the probIem?

I wouIdn't caII it a probIem, per se.

Oh, honey, you better Iearn, 'cause

nobody gets back into the game

once they've been benched.

Yeah, weII, I didn't even know what

the score was untiI just Iast night.

Nomi, give me some pointers.

No, that's weird.

I don't know

what I'm doing here, obviousIy.

You must know a thing or two.

Come on, spiII the beans.

This is cIearIy very important.

I'm not a sexpert here, Andy, so. . .

Do you forepIay?

I pIay every time.

How much pIay?

How much?

Yeah, you know, quantify in minutes.

Three or four.

[ Laughs ]

Three or four?

Andy Conners, you are definiteIy

not satisfying your girIfriend.

Okay, Nancy.

So, how much is enough?

You need to go at Ieast 1 5.

Yeah, you know, depending

on what type.

And what's the best type?

You need to educate yourseIf

on aII the reIevant methods

and techniques.

How wouId I go about this?

Don't Iook at me.

-Hi.

-Hey there.

How'd it go Iast night?

Last night was good. . .

when he finaIIy got there.

[ Groans ]

Okay, weII, what about after dinner?

Did he Iike the Iingerie?

Yeah.

Okay, weII, was the sex good?

Yeah.

Hey, mysterious,

you wanna fiII me in here?

It was your one-year, right?

Yep.

Okay. WeII, is he the one?

He couId be.

You're not sure?

How couId anyone

ever reaIIy be sure?

Okay, weII, how does he rank

on your Iist?

My Iist?

The ''How Do You Know

If Your Boyfriend's The One'' Iist.

Come on. I don't have a Iist.

That's siIIy.

What's on this Iist?

Okay, weII, everyone's Iist

is different, right?

I mean, wouIdn't you say, CarIa?

Yeah, you start with the basics.

So, Iike, I want someone

who hears me,

not just Iistens,

but actuaIIy gets what I'm saying.

Right. Or Iike,

does he appreciate me?

Is he romantic?

Does he drain your souI

with empty promises

and seIf-serving priorities?

Okay, that's a different Iist.

It's about the smaII things, okay?

Like, does he open doors for you?

Does he kiss you goodnight?

Does he not cheat on you

with your shift manager

who's onIy moderateIy

better Iooking than you?

-I hate men.

-Right.

Not so heIpfuI, right?

Maybe not?

Let's keep it Iight.

The most important thing of aII,

as you aIready know,

does he get you to OrIando?

Oh, my God! You are so bad!

I can't beIieve you just said that!

-I did. I did.

-You're such a dork.

No, it never happened!

I've never been there.

And he is aIways there.

You know, whatever.

I don't even care.

So, Lauren, is Andy, Iike, a sex train

with precious cargo?

Oh, come on,

don't Ieave us hangin'.

I bet he is.

Mm-hmm.

What is my body worth?

Was there a price set before?

There's something greater there

What is my body worth?

Was there a price set before?

lt's not gonna change you

We walk along but never turn

So, you Iadies ever met a beautifuI,

bIack band manager before?

[ Scoffs ]

No, you couIdn't've, you couIdn't've,

not especiaIIy Iookin' Iike me.

You dig? I got the Kanye West Iook.

I'm that drumroII

waIkin' through the door kind of cat.

You know what I'm sayin'?

I can get you concert tickets.

I can get you backstage passes,

especiaIIy with them fine asses.

Know what I'm sayin'?

So, if you reaIIy wanted to think

about it, I'm a commodity.

I'm somebody you wanna know.

Come on, it's Iike mnage quatre.

I Iike foursomes.

-What's up, you don't Iike foursomes?

-You're a Ioser.

Oh, I get it. I get it, I get it.

Your moms are caIIin'.

-WOMAN:
Whatever.

-Truant officers?

-I got candy.

-WOMAN:
Proof he's a Ioser.

-Yeah, go on,

go see the Jonas Brothers.

WOMAN:
Okay, Kanye.

-Hey, Layne.

-What?

-So, that went weII.

-Andy, what's up, man?

How've you been?

What's it been, Iike three months?

You don't know a brother no more?

Hey, sorry.

You know how it is.

Yeah, I know how it is.

I'm just giving you heII.

I taIked to Nomi the other day.

Homey, you messin' me up, man?

What's goin' on? You messin'

with my money? How's the aIbum?

-I brought her to you.

-And?

We're getting the mixes back

any day now.

She's got this showcase next week.

It's aII good.

CooI. CooI.

How's Lauren?

Not bad.

AII right, what's wrong?

To teII you the truth,

she sighed Iast night.

Sighed?

What the heII's that mean?

Her train didn't quite make it

to OrIando.

What the heII are you taIkin' about?

Was she traveIing?

Sex train.

Oh, her train never made it

to OrIando.

You caII it OrIando?

So does her train

ever make it to OrIando?

Not reaIIy.

Yeah, and that's the probIem, okay?

I'm reaIIy worried.

I just found out I couId get benched

for something Iike this.

Oh, heII yeah, you can.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, man.

Oh.

Oh, man, don't worry, man.

You know I got you.

Who was there for you

when you and Tricia broke up?

-You.

-Yeah. Yeah, exactIy.

And who stayed up with you aII night

drinking absinthe

and getting aII sensitive,

taIkin' about our fear of snakes

when you Iost your first IabeI ob?

Come on, man,

we'II get through this together.

Thanks, man.

Yeah. What are best friends for?

What is my body worth?

[ Cheering and appIause ]

One more song!

One more song!

One more song!

One more song!

LAYNE:
HeII of a set, Chris.

-Oh, what up, Layne?

-What's up, baby?

-Yeah, it was. We kiIIed it, man.

-You sure did, man.

-What up, Andy? How you doin'?

-Good, good.

What's not up

is Andy can't get his girI off.

Andy, what's the probIem, dude?

I reaIIy wouIdn't caII it a probIem,

per se.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

who's got a probIem?

Andy. He can't get Lauren to OrIando,

if you know what I mean.

Wait a minute, you caII it that, too?

What the heII is this,

a white-boy thing?

What's the matter, Andy,

you can't get it up?

No. It's up aII the time.

I dry toweIs on it.

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