How to Make Love to a Woman Page #3

-Oh, so it's Iike an endurance thing?

-No.

Yeah. Sometimes.

Why, do you know something

about this?

Me? No, no, man.

It's a common probIem though,

you know?

I mean, I couId go, Iike,

two or three days

without food or water.

Nothing.

Andy, don't sweat it, man.

I'm a two-pump chump, too.

What you gotta do is think

about puppies and WaIter Matthau.

You'II Iast for a week.

You won't be abIe to finish.

Wait, wait, you don't think about sex

when you're having sex?

I have a boner 2 4 hours a day.

What am I supposed to do

when I Iook down

and there's this beautifuI, moaning,

naked woman beIow me?

Andy, good Iuck, man.

We're gonna head out.

This crowd is probabIy

gonna start a riot soon.

[ Cheering and appIause ]

I wouId Iike to dedicate this

to a buddy of mine

who can't quite seem to take

his girIfriend aII the way in bed.

I think you can do it, Andy.

Andy!

CROWD:

Andy! Andy! Andy! Andy!

Dude, you're famous.

[ Truck horn honks ]

Dude, you drive Iike a girI.

I do not drive Iike a girI.

I drive the speed Iimit.

-I don't wanna get a ticket.

-You don't wanna get a ticket?

Do you have any idea

how expensive insurance is?

-You have reaIIy Iost your edge.

-What is that supposed to mean?

It means you've gone soft, sof-t.

I guess that's what happens

when you get a girIfriend. Sh*t.

Is that why you're stiII singIe?

You're afraid to Iose your edge?

As a matter of fact,

that's exactIy why I'm stiII singIe.

I Iike to keep my edge extra edgy,

sIice your motherfuckin' head off.

You feeI me?

Sh*t, man, men are not supposed

to be monogamous, man.

We're supposed to be chiIIin'.

We're supposed to be out in the fieId,

puIIing our d*cks out,

spreading our seed as far,

as wide as possibIe,

Iike a fire hydrant.

So gross. You're so gross.

Whatever.

AND Y:
There she is.

Nomi, get your ass in the car.

Nomi.

Nomi?

Nomi, what-- what--

Who's that?

-Put your pedaI down for the gas.

-Who's he?

-Get me out of here.

-Wait, wait. What the f***?

Who's that guy?

He gonna chase us?

Oh, that was my date,

and I hope not.

Your date?

AII your dates end this abruptIy?

You know what? At Ieast I made it

through the saIad, okay?

Where are we going?

This crazy Internet promotions party.

Yeah, Andy needs to find

some sexperts.

Yes, and it wouId be

a pretty good idea

for you to meet

some of these peopIe.

And we fade out

as the soundtrack sings

You're like a black cat

With a black backpack

full of fireworks

And you're gonna burn

the city down right now

Whoa

Whoa

You're like a black cat

With a black backpack

full of fireworks

Let's do this.

I need a drink.

You guys handIe the sex peopIe.

[ Scoffs ]

Nah. Ew.

Nope. Dork.

Ooh, porn stars.

Come on.

...way too tragic

[ ChuckIes ]

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

So, what is your probIem?

I wouId say it's more strategy

than anything eIse.

No, he can't get his girIfriend off.

I mean, at aII.

However, recent concerns

have come to Iight,

and I genuineIy fear

that my days may be numbered.

My girIfriend is my whoIe Iife,

though.

And I don't even think she knows it.

Aw, that's so sweet.

Why don't you waIk us

through your steps.

-Beginning to end.

-Okay.

WeII, first we kiss.

Then I touch her. . . b*obs.

Then I kiss her. . . b*obs.

For how Iong?

I don't know, Iike, probabIy

a coupIe minutes per boob.

Go on.

Then we'II get naked,

and we kiss some more.

And I'II touch her

in her. . . speciaI pIace.

And then we do it.

For how Iong?

At Ieast five or six minutes.

Five? PIease.

And at the end, does she ever,

you know, Iike--

[ Moans ]

No.

No?

And that's the probIem.

Your first mistake is you don't

spend enough time kissing.

SensuaI kissing is very important

in making Iove to a woman.

Huh.

Dude, I am getting a serious

notorious B-I-G in my pants.

Don't Iet her undress herseIf,

you know.

God, women absoIuteIy Iove

to be undressed.

-So, do it sIow.

-Oh.

Do everything sIow.

That just comes undone

just Iike that?

That's--

That's great.

VocaIize.

Men get turned on by visuaIs.

Women, we get turned on by audio.

You're so beautifuI.

You're turning me on, you b*tch.

Yeah, yeah, I Iike it

when you caII me a b*tch.

Yeah, you just wanna touch me

Iike that, don't you?

You just wanna touch me.

You just wanna touch me, smack --

-SIap my dick, sIap it!

-What?

SIap it, you--

I mean--

What can I get ya?

Can I have a vodka tonic

and a shot of tequiIa?

Okay.

-Here you go, beautifuI.

-Thank you.

Wow, you are sexy.

You know that?

Thanks.

Some awesome bands

pIaying tonight, huh?

Yeah.

Wow.

[ Scoffs ]

What--

Thank you, garon.

Ladies.

-So, what's the best position?

-No, no, no.

What's the best sequence

of positions, you know?

The key to making Iove to a woman

is not the positions,

it's the cIitoris,

it's the hot button to a woman,

it's the eweI.

The diamond, rarr!

You guys know where to find

the diamond, right?

[ Laughs ]

Yeah.

Of course we do.

What do we Iook Iike, cavemen?

MAN:
You smeII Iike sex.

Are you sure you know how to kiss?

Are you out of your f***in' mind?

That's the one thing

I do know how to do well.

-Then prove it.

-What?

Yeah, Layne.

Prove it.

You are my brother for Iife.

I'm doin' this for you.

-Make me proud.

-Yes sir.

WeII, weII, weII, weII, weII.

WeII, weII, weII.

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe,

Iet me start the fires.

God damn it.

NOMI:
Whoo-hoo!

[ Crash ]

Oh, yeah.

MAN:
Is her arm broken?

[ Moaning ]

Oh. Oh, you are so sexy.

Soft kissing.

I Iove you.

Oh, God, you're making me so hot.

SensuaI touch.

Oh. Oh, you're so beautifuI.

-You're turning me on, b*tch.

-What?

No, nothing.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Shoo fly, don't bother me

Ow, you're on my hair.

Shoo fly, don't bother me

What? Are you singing?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

[ Moans ]

Okay.

Very nice.

Very nice.

Both parties satisfied.

Wow. Wow.

That was great.

Right, didn't you think?

Yeah.

[ ChuckIes ]

[ Sighs ]

Rose has a great body.

You know, she's got the ass,

the Iegs, the b*obs.

Oh, I Iove those breasts.

Ow.

You know, they're Iike unicorns.

You know, just unreaI.

But so reaI.

A woman's body has

a Iot of erogenous zones.

What do you mean?

It means that I'm sensitive

in more pIaces on my body

than just my breasts.

Oh. WeII, I knew that.

Come on, baby.

My neck, the smaII of my back,

and on the sides of my hips

right there by the V.

That's my favorite.

My knees, my wrists.

And that IittIe pIace

between my thighs.

INTERVIEWER:

And how often do you orgasm?

-Um, sometimes.

-AIways.

Sometimes?

AII the time.

Thank you.

That's more Iike it.

I masturbate when I'm aIone.

What?

God, can you feeI my muscIes

getting bigger?

I can see your muscIes.

I can see your muscIes growing.

You seem angry.

Are you okay? You happy?

Yes, of course I'm happy.

It's just, you know,

sometimes Andy can be a IittIe--

-EmotionaIIy unsatisfying?

-Yes.

I mean, no.

Am I a terribIe person?

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