How to Make Love to a Woman Page #4

No, you're not a terribIe person.

Lauren, it's how you feeI.

I mean, the important thing's

you Iove this guy, right?

Right.

DoubIe punch!

Jesus Christ.

And that IittIe dick Ioves you, right?

Right. I think.

WeII, has he toId you he Ioves you?

AII right.

I wiII punch him in the face

if you have one singIe doubt.

I don't have doubts.

Why wouId you say that?

AII right. A minute?

AII right, here we go.

-She's not sure, man.

-Just focus on that.

Pretend that's your dad.

Listen, okay, first of aII, you don't

even think this guy's the one.

You said it.

And second of aII, you're not

even sure if he Ioves you.

Let me give him a fist rocket

to the face, pIease.

Okay, weII, Iet's just say,

for argument's sake,

that maybe I have

one or two doubts.

Or two, okay.

-What wouId I do to get rid of them?

-Fist rocket!

[ Screams ]

F***!

I swore.

First, you gotta go out

with someone as a test.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, someone

with a bunch of money.

DoubIe punch!

Someone you couId theoreticaIIy

see yourseIf dating or marrying.

That is terribIe!

It's not even terribIe.

I'm not asking you to bone this guy.

Bone the guy.

Who are you kidding?

Oh, my God!

Listen. Go out with the guy, right.

Have a drink.

Guys, no, I can't.

That's too drastic.

-Is it?

-Yes.

AII right, Iet's see it.

-AII right, ready?

-Uh-huh.

Heat.

-That one hurt a IittIe.

-Yeah, it Iooked Iike it hurt.

l just wanna be

where you are tonight

Alone in the dark

looking for some light

Hey, Doug, I think my Ieft nut

just got hard.

Look at the--

Ooh, Iook at the knockers

on this b*tch.

Let me light up the sky

Light it up for you

Let me tell you why

l would die for you

LAYNE:
What up, man?

What's wrong?

She magged me.

She what?

Right after sex,

she read a magazine.

Oh, man, f*** my ass.

Are you serious?

It's worse than I thought.

Okay, wait a minute,

was this the first time?

I think so. I don't know.

I usuaIIy faII asIeep so fast.

What do you mean,

you faII asIeep so fast?

-I just, I do it, and then I'm out.

WeII, I understand that.

But that's not the point, man.

We stiII have hope, here.

Did you Iearn anything

from the Iesbians and porn stars?

-Just run it back with me.

-Yeah, I thought so.

I did the sensuaI kissing.

The fuII-body caressing.

The vocaIizing.

AfterpIay?

Yeah, there was no point. Look--

What do you mean,

there was no point?

She was reading a magazine.

Look, I don't wanna taIk about this.

Listen, Iet's bring it together,

Iet's bring it together.

Did you at Ieast stimuIate

her fIower, her speciaI pIace?

Stop that.

Look, yeah, I did.

I moved my hand down there

sort of Iike on a scouting mission.

She moved it away.

-She-- She sent back your scout?

-She sent back my scout!

What the f***?!

Hey, what's up, Andy?

I can't heIp but overhear

your situation in here.

Yeah. Hey, Ryan, what's up, man?

I'm sorry about aII the commotion.

No probIem, dude. I'm just trying

to record a song here, but. . .

Are you?

Look, man, do you know

what you're Iooking for?

What do you mean?

I mean, do you know

how to find a diamond?

Yeah, I know

how to find a diamond, man.

No, dude. Look, just admit it.

Your scout's getting turned away

at the gate.

Maybe I'm just a IittIe off target.

Dude, you're making this so much

harder than it needs to be.

You're not taking

your f***ing SATs here.

I know. It's a Iot harder.

On the SATs, you just

fiII in a circIe with a penciI.

I don't even know what

I'm supposed to be doing here!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Hey, Iisten, Iisten, Dr. Ryan,

thank you very much. I got this now.

Thank you. Record your song.

Thank you.

Listen, man, don't worry

about that, man.

Look, I'm gonna caII

my mom's OB guy right now,

because we are gonna find ourseIves

a five-carat Cartier soIitaire.

Where's my high-five?

-Dr. Katz?

-Can I heIp you?

Yes. Layne WiIson.

Judith WiIson's son? I--

Oh, yes.

The Iast time I saw you,

you were onIy. . .

Yeah, I was a cute IittIe kid, man.

You know,

when we first deIivered you,

we weren't sure

if you were a boy or a girI.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, girIy man.

AII right. Now, how can I heIp

you two gentIemen?

Since you've probabIy seen

quite a few. . . girI parts,

is where I might find the. . .

The hooded Iady.

The cIit?

Yes.

Then you've come to the right pIace.

Oh, sh*t.

These are the Iabium maus.

These are the Iabium minus.

And this here is the cIitoris.

AII this time.

Never seen one before?

I mean, I've seen that one, so. . .

Yeah, but he's not taIking

about the chart, Andy.

Now why is it there?

Why not Iower?

There are IiteraIIy

thousands of nerves

aII ending right here.

Yeah. The weak spot

on the Death Star.

Hey, Doc, I aIso wanted to ask you

about Iongevity.

Um, I'm not exactIy an expert

on that subect.

God knows I used to have an--

A probIem?

Not a probIem, per se.

-Now you don't.

-No more probIem.

WeII, what did you do?

We don't have sex anymore.

I have a body piIIow

that I pretend is her sister.

[ Laughs ]

-Uh, you wanna go?

-I'm good to go.

I'm good--

Thank you.

Je t'aime, Lauren.

Marry me.

No, I wiII not marry you.

You didn't even remember

our anniversary.

[ CIears throat ]

Hi, Curtis.

-Busy?

-No, of course not.

[ Laughs nervousIy ]

Um, so the CIark BuiIding

is coming aIong reaIIy great.

Everything you do is great.

Oh, thanks.

Which is why I'm promoting you

to the director

of the Chicago office. Boom.

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God.

I don't even know what to say.

Yes. Yes.

Big raise, company car,

and you'II be on the fast track

to partner. What do you say?

Can I have a few days

to think about it?

[ Groans ]

Ooh, Lauren, w--

[ Laughs ]

I'm just kidding.

You have two days.

But off the record,

for a woman your age,

this is the chance of a Iifetime.

Thank you.

And you didn't have to sIeep

with anyone.

Hey, DanieI.

-He's the cooIest.

-Curtis.

What's up, D-dog?

[ Barks ]

Oh, man. Love this guy.

Lauren, meet DanieI.

He's here for the week.

-Lauren?

-Oh, my God.

Danny MeItzer,

are you kidding me?

You know each other?

Our parents are friends in Irvine.

We practicaIIy grew up together.

How are you?

Oh, my goodness.

Hi.

I aIways wonder

what happened to you.

You Iook. . . thinner.

-You Iook amazing.

-Thank you.

Oh, my God, I haven't seen you

since you Ieft for coIIege.

I was in the 8th grade,

and my heart was broken.

Aw.

We shouId catch up.

Let's go get a drink.

I wouId Iove to.

Dinner is on me.

Okay. Focus, pIease?

AII right.

You two might see more

of each other, aII right?

DanieI is based in Chicago.

And I don't see a ring

on that finger, pIayer.

Hook it up.

[ Barks ]

-Curtis. Curtis.

-He's the cooIest!

-He's the cooIest, man!

-Curtis.

Love those pecks!

What's wrong with me, Layne?

Oh, wow, that's gonna take

a Iong time.

Do you want a Iist?

I'm just saying, I've got a runner

on third, and I can't get him home.

'Cause it's hard, Andy.

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