How to Make Love to a Woman Page #5

I mean, if it was easy,

we'd aII be in the pros

knocking home runs

Iike we Barry Bonds.

I can't Iose her.

I mean, Lauren is the best thing

that has ever happened to me.

Oh, so you reaIIy do Iove her?

Yeah.

AbsoIuteIy.

You couIdn't teII?

No. I mean,

I've never heard you say it.

I guess I'm just not that kind of guy,

you know?

I've never heard my dad

say it to my mom,

but they've been married

for Iike 30 years.

Wow.

You know, recentIy

I've been thinking about--

-What, the porn stars?

-No.

-The Iesbians?

-No.

What?

I'm thinking about asking Lauren

to marry me.

-Are you serious?

-Yeah, I'm serious.

Man, Lauren is the one.

The one?

How the heII do you know

she's the one?

Remember when we were

at Ford's barbecue,

when I ate Iike three brownies

and nobody toId me

they were pot brownies?

And you spaced out.

Remember I got aII scared,

I thought the hedges

were gonna come kiII me?

I hid in the cIoset.

Lauren comes into that cIoset

with a goIf cIub,

decIares herseIf

protector of the cIoset.

She sat in there with me

for Iike two hours.

She took care of me.

And now my onIy goaI in this worId

is to take care of her.

Wow.

That's. . .

. . .f***in' pathetic.

You don't Iike this idea?

You're not into this?

I thought you Iiked Lauren.

I do Iike Lauren. Look.

My probIem is, I don't think guys

shouId be settIing down.

It's unnaturaI.

I mean Iions, tigers, monkeys--

Did you ever notice

in the animaI kingdom

that none of them are monogamous?

They're aII boning

and f***ing each other off.

But humans, we wanna put ourseIves

in this IittIe box,

this IittIe, tiny box,

'cause marriage,

that's aII there is, man.

It's a f***in' prison.

I'm bIack. I don't Iike prison.

WeII, what do you beIieve in, Layne?

Friendship.

Come on, Andy, you can't teII me

you haven't had fun

the past few days.

It's been Iike oId times, man.

Love just doesn't Iast.

I mean, take it from my dad.

I mean, it broke him in two

when my mom Ieft him

for that. . . paperboy.

It is surprisingIy difficuIt to hit

a porch from a moving bicycIe.

That hurts, man.

That guy had skiIIs,

is aII I'm saying.

Man, f*** you, man.

That sh*t stiII hurts.

Is he younger than you?

-Oh, my God, man. Shut up!

-I'm just sayin'.

Man, shut up.

Don't even taIk to me.

-Timmy, right?

-F*** you!

-It's Timmy.

-Hey! Who wants to be my friend?!

-Come on.

-Hey, what are we doing here?

'Cause I heard once that Sting

was abIe to keep an erection

for more than five days

because he's got some

Buddhist mind controI.

I don't want a five-day erection.

That'd hurt.

I sIeep on my beIIy.

I can't sIeep on my back.

Oh, wouId you stop bitchin'?

[ Meditation music pIays ]

[ Humming ]

Excuse me, Sifu,

is it true that you can make Iove

for a reaIIy Iong time?

I seem to be getting there earIy.

You arrive at the party first?

You couId say that I eat

aII the hors d'oeuvres

and pass out with my shoes on

whiIe they're stiII bIowing up

baIIoons and hanging streamers.

Buddhism is not taught

for that specific purpose.

But I beIieve I can heIp.

Thank you, Sifu.

Sex is the uItimate expression

of Iife force.

It combines mind, body,

and emotion.

But the mind is the key.

It controIs desire, emotions,

your erection, your penis.

Now, cIose your eyes.

Empty your mind of aII thoughts.

If a thought comes into your mind,

gentIy usher it out.

What if the thought, you know, has,

Iike, reaIIy nice-ass titties and--

Out, damned spot!

Out!

[ Groans ]

[ ChuckIes ]

Open your eyes.

This is caIIed meditation.

Practice it often.

It wiII make your mind grow

in controI.

-And by ''in controI,'' you mean--

-Yes.

Then you can arrive at the party

any time.

[ Laughs ]

And what if that doesn't work?

Try taking a sh*t.

That wiII be $50, pIease.

Did we miss it?

You missed it,

causing me to miss it, yes.

I was meditating,

and I Iost track of time.

Meditating?

You aIways have some excuse.

And it's endearing?

And it's annoying.

Look, Iet's just go back to my pIace,

we'II rent a movie.

Let me make it up to you.

-I have a headache.

-What, you have a headache?

-That's what I said.

-Yeah, but you never get headaches.

WeII, congratuIations,

you've given me a headache.

Now you get to deaI

with an extra-grumpy girIfriend.

Yeah, Iook, Lauren.

-Lauren.

-What?

I am very sorry.

I know that you hate to wait.

You make it seem Iike it's my fauIt.

HeIIo. I said I'm sorry.

Yeah, but you phrased it in a way

that suggests that the reason

I'm mad is because of me.

I'm sorry that I phrase it in a way

that you don't find genuine?

You're doing it again.

WeII, I'm sorry that I can't apoIogize

in a way that you find acceptabIe.

Look, sweetie, baby rabbit,

we're gonna rent a movie.

We're gonna have a great night.

We'II make a pizza.

You wanna make a pizza?

Who doesn't Iike to make a pizza

at home?

When I first met GiI

it was after one of his shows,

and he was sweaty and smeIIy

and very, very sexy.

The sex with Nanette at first

was off the charts.

I mean, I was at the top of my game.

What I was doing is I was just

picturing myseIf as her.

And then I wouId just

make Iove to her

the way I'd want

to make Iove to myseIf.

I started to reaIize that it wasn't

just after his shows, you know?

He aIways smeIIed that bad.

You know, I'm not used

to being dumped.

I mean, Iook at me.

I didn't ask for aII these gifts.

It's just-- I'm a treat.

I'm in a band, I sing, I'm handsome.

I got a bike, I got this cowboy

fashion thing going on,

a IittIe Easy Rider.

I mean, I can cook a quesadiIIa whiIe

I make Iove.

I mean, that's focus.

He couId stink so bad

it makes my eyes tear.

Her eyes wouId tear.

I mean, it was crazy.

I mean, that's what I'm packing.

I mean, she made it seem Iike

it may have been the underwear,

but it's not what you're wearing,

it's what's inside it.

You know, it's about your heart

and your baIIs.

And then he actuaIIy expects me

to have physicaI contact with him?

You know, part of me,

Iike, in my Ioins. . .

I think she might be seeing

someone eIse

because it tingIes sometimes.

I started seeing someone eIse

a coupIe of months ago.

[ Laughs ]

INTERVIEWER:

TeII us about him.

What can I say?

He just reaIIy knows

how to treat a woman.

-HeIIo.

-This guy?

You see, you chose this guy

over me?

This guy? Are you crazy?

I mean, Iook at my hair.

You know?

Curtis satisfies me in ways

that you couId never even imagine.

[ GiggIes ]

And wash your baIIs.

I'II wash one. I'm not gonna

just ump into things.

[ Rock music pIays ]

Didn't your Dad drive

through the guest house?

Not the guest house.

The fence, a coupIe of times.

It was mostIy the side patio.

Yeah, he has a probIem

with depth perception in generaI.

You know, I actuaIIy reaIIy miss

those famiIy vacations

we used to take.

Except for the car rides.

Those were torture.

Remember that time

we aII went skiing that one year?

And I hurt my knee.

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