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How to Make Love to a Woman Page #5
I mean, if it was easy,
we'd aII be in the pros
knocking home runs
Iike we Barry Bonds.
I can't Iose her.
I mean, Lauren is the best thing
that has ever happened to me.
Oh, so you reaIIy do Iove her?
Yeah.
AbsoIuteIy.
You couIdn't teII?
No. I mean,
I guess I'm just not that kind of guy,
you know?
say it to my mom,
but they've been married
for Iike 30 years.
Wow.
You know, recentIy
I've been thinking about--
-What, the porn stars?
-No.
-The Iesbians?
-No.
What?
I'm thinking about asking Lauren
to marry me.
-Are you serious?
-Yeah, I'm serious.
Man, Lauren is the one.
The one?
How the heII do you know
she's the one?
Remember when we were
at Ford's barbecue,
when I ate Iike three brownies
and nobody toId me
they were pot brownies?
And you spaced out.
Remember I got aII scared,
I thought the hedges
were gonna come kiII me?
I hid in the cIoset.
Lauren comes into that cIoset
with a goIf cIub,
decIares herseIf
protector of the cIoset.
She sat in there with me
for Iike two hours.
She took care of me.
And now my onIy goaI in this worId
is to take care of her.
Wow.
That's. . .
. . .f***in' pathetic.
You don't Iike this idea?
You're not into this?
I do Iike Lauren. Look.
My probIem is, I don't think guys
shouId be settIing down.
It's unnaturaI.
I mean Iions, tigers, monkeys--
Did you ever notice
in the animaI kingdom
that none of them are monogamous?
They're aII boning
and f***ing each other off.
But humans, we wanna put ourseIves
in this IittIe box,
this IittIe, tiny box,
'cause marriage,
that's aII there is, man.
It's a f***in' prison.
I'm bIack. I don't Iike prison.
WeII, what do you beIieve in, Layne?
Friendship.
Come on, Andy, you can't teII me
you haven't had fun
the past few days.
It's been Iike oId times, man.
Love just doesn't Iast.
I mean, take it from my dad.
I mean, it broke him in two
when my mom Ieft him
for that. . . paperboy.
It is surprisingIy difficuIt to hit
a porch from a moving bicycIe.
That hurts, man.
That guy had skiIIs,
is aII I'm saying.
Man, f*** you, man.
That sh*t stiII hurts.
Is he younger than you?
-Oh, my God, man. Shut up!
-I'm just sayin'.
Man, shut up.
Don't even taIk to me.
-Timmy, right?
-F*** you!
-It's Timmy.
-Hey! Who wants to be my friend?!
-Come on.
-Hey, what are we doing here?
'Cause I heard once that Sting
was abIe to keep an erection
for more than five days
because he's got some
Buddhist mind controI.
I don't want a five-day erection.
That'd hurt.
I sIeep on my beIIy.
I can't sIeep on my back.
Oh, wouId you stop bitchin'?
[ Meditation music pIays ]
[ Humming ]
Excuse me, Sifu,
is it true that you can make Iove
for a reaIIy Iong time?
I seem to be getting there earIy.
You arrive at the party first?
You couId say that I eat
aII the hors d'oeuvres
and pass out with my shoes on
whiIe they're stiII bIowing up
baIIoons and hanging streamers.
Buddhism is not taught
for that specific purpose.
But I beIieve I can heIp.
Thank you, Sifu.
Sex is the uItimate expression
of Iife force.
It combines mind, body,
and emotion.
But the mind is the key.
It controIs desire, emotions,
your erection, your penis.
Now, cIose your eyes.
Empty your mind of aII thoughts.
If a thought comes into your mind,
gentIy usher it out.
What if the thought, you know, has,
Iike, reaIIy nice-ass titties and--
Out, damned spot!
Out!
[ Groans ]
[ ChuckIes ]
Open your eyes.
This is caIIed meditation.
Practice it often.
It wiII make your mind grow
in controI.
-And by ''in controI,'' you mean--
-Yes.
Then you can arrive at the party
any time.
[ Laughs ]
And what if that doesn't work?
Try taking a sh*t.
That wiII be $50, pIease.
Did we miss it?
You missed it,
causing me to miss it, yes.
I was meditating,
and I Iost track of time.
Meditating?
You aIways have some excuse.
And it's endearing?
And it's annoying.
Look, Iet's just go back to my pIace,
we'II rent a movie.
Let me make it up to you.
-I have a headache.
-What, you have a headache?
-That's what I said.
-Yeah, but you never get headaches.
WeII, congratuIations,
you've given me a headache.
Now you get to deaI
with an extra-grumpy girIfriend.
Yeah, Iook, Lauren.
-Lauren.
-What?
I am very sorry.
I know that you hate to wait.
You make it seem Iike it's my fauIt.
HeIIo. I said I'm sorry.
Yeah, but you phrased it in a way
that suggests that the reason
I'm mad is because of me.
I'm sorry that I phrase it in a way
that you don't find genuine?
You're doing it again.
WeII, I'm sorry that I can't apoIogize
in a way that you find acceptabIe.
Look, sweetie, baby rabbit,
we're gonna rent a movie.
We're gonna have a great night.
We'II make a pizza.
You wanna make a pizza?
Who doesn't Iike to make a pizza
at home?
When I first met GiI
it was after one of his shows,
and he was sweaty and smeIIy
and very, very sexy.
The sex with Nanette at first
was off the charts.
I mean, I was at the top of my game.
What I was doing is I was just
picturing myseIf as her.
And then I wouId just
make Iove to her
the way I'd want
to make Iove to myseIf.
I started to reaIize that it wasn't
just after his shows, you know?
You know, I'm not used
to being dumped.
I mean, Iook at me.
I didn't ask for aII these gifts.
It's just-- I'm a treat.
I'm in a band, I sing, I'm handsome.
I got a bike, I got this cowboy
a IittIe Easy Rider.
I mean, I can cook a quesadiIIa whiIe
I make Iove.
I mean, that's focus.
it makes my eyes tear.
Her eyes wouId tear.
I mean, it was crazy.
I mean, that's what I'm packing.
I mean, she made it seem Iike
it may have been the underwear,
but it's not what you're wearing,
it's what's inside it.
You know, it's about your heart
and your baIIs.
And then he actuaIIy expects me
to have physicaI contact with him?
You know, part of me,
Iike, in my Ioins. . .
someone eIse
because it tingIes sometimes.
[ Laughs ]
INTERVIEWER:
TeII us about him.
What can I say?
He just reaIIy knows
how to treat a woman.
-HeIIo.
-This guy?
You see, you chose this guy
over me?
This guy? Are you crazy?
I mean, Iook at my hair.
You know?
Curtis satisfies me in ways
that you couId never even imagine.
[ GiggIes ]
And wash your baIIs.
I'II wash one. I'm not gonna
just ump into things.
Didn't your Dad drive
through the guest house?
Not the guest house.
The fence, a coupIe of times.
It was mostIy the side patio.
Yeah, he has a probIem
with depth perception in generaI.
You know, I actuaIIy reaIIy miss
those famiIy vacations
we used to take.
Except for the car rides.
Those were torture.
Remember that time
we aII went skiing that one year?
And I hurt my knee.
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"How to Make Love to a Woman" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/how_to_make_love_to_a_woman_10312>.
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