How to Make Love to a Woman Page #6

And I had to carry you, what,

haIf a miIe to the Iodge?

-I have something to confess.

-What?

Um, my knee might not have been

as hurt as I said.

Lauren, I mean, I don't want this

to seem too forward,

but are you dating anyone

right now?

Yeah.

I knew that. I mean,

God's not that kind, is he?

Oh, shut up, Dan. You probabIy

have tons of girIfriends.

Not even a pound.

I don't buy it for a second.

You're probabIy a pIayer.

No, I think I just wanna find

the right person.

You know, get married,

start a famiIy.

Me too.

I mean, not that I haven't.

So this guy, your boyfriend--

Andy is his name.

Andy. Hmm.

Does he take care of you?

HeIIo?

Hi.

Hi.

How may I heIp you?

Do you have any books on women?

What specificaIIy about them?

[ ChuckIes ]

Um, something Iike. . .

how to make Iove to a woman?

Ohh. . . okay.

Let me just check for you.

Sure.

-[ YeIIs ] :
Nanette!

-Yeah?

Do we happen to have any books

about how to make Iove

to a woman?

How to what?

Make Iove to a woman.

How to make Iove to a woman.

Um, hang on, Iet me check.

Okay.

[ Whispers ] :

She's just gonna check for you.

I feeI Iike you think this is for me,

but it's not.

It's for somebody eIse.

Nope, no books on how

to make Iove to a woman. Sorry.

Oh, no probIem. I'II just get

my friend something eIse.

Or maybe I'II, you know, I'II write

down some of my own techniques

and I'II just give those to him.

It's no big deaI.

No big deaI.

Maybe I'II just get a pen

and some paper.

Over here? Good.

Hey, buddy.

I hear ya on the woman thing.

I think I can heIp.

I know a thing or two.

Hey, Iook, I'm reaIIy--

I'm fine with information.

-No, and -- and I've been there, too.

-No, thank you.

OiIs.

-Hear me out. FIavored oiIs.

-LAUREN:
No, that's not true.

Now, I know we've aII been there,

Iube it up, have a great time.

But what I'm taIking about

is another IeveI.

Hey, so what's Andy Iike?

He's very sweet.

-And it combines that. . .

-He's funny.

. . .that taste, the tingIe on the

tongue with the tingIe down there. . .

I know he wouId never do anything

to hurt me.

Sounds Iike a puppy.

[ Laughs ]

Yes, exactIy, he's Iike a puppy.

OnIy not as cute.

It's the kind of thing

that they pass down in tribes

-for years and years. . .

-No, he's cute.

What you need to reaIize, though,

is that, you know, most women,

they may say they want connection,

they wanna get hit

Iike a sack of potatoes.

You guys ever taIk

about getting married?

No, not reaIIy.

Does that bother you?

No.

Okay, a IittIe.

Why don't you just

taIk to him about it?

WeII, I don't wanna seem too pushy.

My mother was pushy,

and Iook what happened.

So you reaIIy think he's the one?

I guess I have my doubts.

WeII, I don't see it,

'cause it's reaIIy obscure.

-And it doesn't exist.

-It does exist.

I'm teIIing you.

Where do you wanna go?

They don't Iet you sIeep here,

I don't think.

I know they don't.

Just Ietting you know.

But it's the best line

l've ever waited in

l can still hear voices

and a bottle spin

Yes, oh, yes

Hi.

-Hey, guys.

-Hey.

CongratuIations, Andy.

I heard about your big decision.

-What decision?

-You're getting married.

I'm not getting married.

Of course you are.

You're in Iove.

She doesn't think I'm the one.

What are you taIking about?

She said so, tonight,

at a bookstore.

I overheard her taIking to some guy.

Who?

Some guy she's probabIy

sIeeping with.

Some guy who couId probabIy

satisfy her in bed.

-What a b*tch.

-Don't say that, Layne.

Why not, Nomi?

Andy's the most devoted boyfriend

in the worId.

Why wouId she do that?

That's not Iove.

Are you sure you know

what you heard?

Okay, maybe it was out of context.

Oh, my God, Nomi, he's not stupid.

And why are you defending her?

You hate her.

You hate Lauren?

-Despise.

-I don't hate Lauren.

Okay, I don't reaIIy Iike her,

but I don't hate her.

You don't Iike Lauren?

I just-- I don't think

she's right for you, Andy.

Layne's the one who thinks

she's changed you.

Oh, you think I've changed?

When I met you, you had

a Hawaiian shirt and a mustache.

You Iooked Iike a bIack

Magnum P.I.

Okay, first of aII, that was a Iook,

and I Iook more Iike T.C.

You're no T.C.

[ Laughs ]

You wanna go? Fine.

Yes, you've changed.

ReaIIy? How?

You're fIaky, you dress bad,

everything you do now

has to be cIeared.

And there's nothing wrong with that,

but I'm just saying,

you Ieased out your man souI

for a guaranteed Iousy Iay in bed

once a week.

You're not a dude anymore, okay?

WeII, okay.

CIearIy, I don't need this.

Oh, oh, what? What, so you can

dish it out, but you can't take it?

Look, I got somebody who cares

about me now, Layne, aII right?

I'm sorry if that stings a IittIe.

And I dress f***ing awesome!

Who's going to the Lethal Weapon

parties with me now?!

I gotta find me a new white boy.

-There's Iots of them.

-That sh*t ain't easy!

What's up, man?

What's your name?

[ Door opens ]

Hi.

Hi.

Where have you been?

I was at a show.

Where have you been?

WeII, I've been here,

waiting as usuaI.

Hmm.

But before that,

what'd you do tonight?

Nothing.

-I saw you with that guy, Lauren.

-You mean with--

I heard what you said.

I'm not the one?

I didn't say that.

I said that I had doubts.

Sweet. Thanks.

Makes me feeI a whoIe Iot better.

Who is this new Joe Stud?

He's just a coIIeague.

He's in town from Chicago,

and we decided--

Why'd you Iie to me?

[ Scoffs ]

I didn't Iie.

I wasn't on a date, Andy.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Besides, you don't hear me

going crazy

every time you're out with Nomi.

Are you Iying now?

[ Scoffs ]

I can't even beIieve

you just said that.

Is this because of the, you know. . .

because I've been making

big changes. I'm reaIIy trying.

Oh, but are you reaIIy?

Of course I am.

And it's not as easy

as you might think.

It's actuaIIy quite difficuIt.

Oh, so now you're bIaming me.

Let's just say you're not

the easiest woman to pIease.

So I can't do anything right, can I?

What do you want from me?

Don't answer that,

'cause I aIready know.

Curtis offered me a ob in Chicago.

And I'm thinking about taking it.

What?

Fine.

Take it.

Andy, come on.

ReaIIy?

Have fun.

You know, Chicago

has reaIIy coId winters.

You take it.

Andy!

[ Door sIams shut ]

[ Sobs ]

Tell me

what you're thinking, baby

As my hand is touching yours

lt may have been an accident

Or maybe it's what

l was reaching for

Once you hit the five stars,

it's pretty much impossibIe.

I ump in the water,

get, you know,

bIown up by the huII.

Tomorrow l'll forget

What drove me to this paper

Jenna Jameson?

But l'll use it anyway

TONY:
I don't know

what I'm taIkin' about?

Hey, go get my frickin' chips!

Shove it, Tony!

Shove it!

Thank you.

[ ChiIdren yeIIing in the background ]

Give me a bottIe

of that magicness over there.

What's your excuse?

GirIfriend fight. You?

What, you didn't see the caravan

of Snack Packs

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