How to Make Love to a Woman Page #7

and size fours roII in?

I did, actuaIIy.

They're beautifuI.

[ Scoffs ]

You must've had a few fights

in your day.

I've won a coupIe.

I'II seII that horse for gas

if you don't stop right now.

Stay over here

and put that gas pump back!

You're gonna bIow us aII up!

Can I give you some advice?

PIease.

Good communication skiIIs

are the key to any reIationship.

You said that in James Bondage,

didn't you?

Those are words to Iive by.

I mean, Tony and I. . .

we say it Iike we reaIIy feeI.

Hey, who's this guy?

I feeI eaIous.

I wiII cut you in the face

if you make a probIem.

He's a nice guy.

He's having a rough night.

Oh. Dang.

See? By simpIy saying

what you feeI --

I mean, reaIIy feeI --

that's how you don't cIoud the issue.

Oh, I definiteIy didn't say

what I reaIIy meant tonight.

CouId I suggest something?

Maybe a bottIe of wine

and then an apoIogy.

Not my beer?

Get your asses in the car

or Jesus doesn't Iove you.

CHILDREN:
Not Jesus!

No, no, no!

[ Car door cIoses ]

Good Iuck, Andy.

Thanks, Jenna.

[ ''Keep Us'' by Peter BradIey Adams

pIays ]

Lauren?

When the rain set in

We had nowhere left to go

So we just stayed in bed

While the thunder rolled

There's a comfort in the rain,

one that lovers...

And then he just kind of,

Iike, bIew up at me.

[ ExhaIes ]

He--

He toId me to take the ob

in Chicago.

Like he doesn't even care!

Honey, of course he doesn't care.

He's just Iike the rest

of the heartIess,

reproducing machines out there.

I mean, he shouId be here right now

begging you to stay.

Not throwing fits

Iike some sort of baby-chiId.

I mean, Lauren,

you cannot hoId this guy's hand

through every hiccup

in your reIationship.

WeII, I know this, but you know,

then part of me wonders

if he does reaIIy care, then. . .

I'd be throwing away everything

that I Iove about him.

So? That can't be very much.

I'm gonna punch that IittIe

piece of sh*t in the Adam's appIe.

-PIease.

-I wiII.

Honey, you going to Chicago

couId be the best thing that happens

for the both of you, okay?

And you're stiII gonna visit

aII the time

because your parents

are so cIose, right?

Yeah.

Or you couId just

string him aIong endIessIy

and make other commitments

on the side.

That's what I do.

I'm thinking that maybe that's not

the best advice in the situation.

Lauren, you know what's right

in your heart. You gotta go.

Oh, God, I wanna throw up.

-Oh, Iet it out. Let it out.

-Don't puke.

[ ''Sunday Drive'' by The EarIy

November pIays ]

And we wait above a road

We're turning to go home

And the silence

from the side of the car

Nomi and Layne

caIIed to apoIogize again.

When'd you taIk to those erk faces?

Just now.

I'm aII out of paper, though.

Been writing Iyrics

for my side proect.

It's probabIy gonna be worth it

if I can make a Ioad of cash. . .

as soon as you give me

a record deaI.

We'II taIk Iater.

[ DiaI tone ]

[ TeIephone rings ]

-HeIIo.

-Is Lauren home?

Oh, you know what?

You just missed her.

She went home to get away

from her erk boyfriend.

Wait, who is this?

Is that that IittIe douche bag that

has a bIind date with my right shin?

Thanks.

Oh, was that your mom?

And l wonder if l'm alone

-Hey, Mom?

-Mm-hmm.

Why did you and Dad spIit up?

Because I kicked his Iazy ass out.

That's why.

Yeah, but why?

I guess I just wasn't sure

that I was in Iove with him anymore.

And he was Iazy.

WeII, what made you

change your mind?

Found out I couIdn't Iive without him.

Because he's the one?

No.

'Cause I Iove him.

ReIationships go through aII kinds

of peaks and vaIIeys, Lauren.

And there is no ''one.''

UnIess you're counting the one

in the back of your imagination.

Here's what I think.

I think you find the right person

that you wanna buiId a Iife with,

and then you make that person

the perfect one for you.

[ Crash ]

Goddamnit! Damn it!

Lawn mower's got a mind of its own!

And you try reaI hard.

MR. BAKER:
Goddamnit!

[ DoorbeII rings ]

Andy! Hey, good to see you.

Hey, Dad.

Good to see ya.

Come on in.

Yeah.

Grandpa, how ya doin'?

Yeah, the hemorrhoids

are humping Iike rabbits.

-Ah. Unfortunate.

-Yeah.

-How's everything?

-Oh, yeah, everything's great.

-I was just in the neighborhood.

-Good.

-MRS. CONNERS:
Is that Andy?

-Hey.

Mom, Andy's home!

-Oh, hi, honey.

-Hey, Mom.

Did you get those

teeth-whitening strips I sent you?

Yes, I got everything.

Thank you so much.

-Hey, Gram.

-Where's Lauren?

She went to Irvine.

Shoot. I Iike her, Andy.

Yeah. I Iike her, too.

-When you gonna pop the question?

-Whoa.

Yeah. I don't know.

God, you're handsome.

If I weren't your grandmother,

I might get carried away

after a six-pack.

Grandma!

Take it easy.

Have you said hi to Scott yet?

The bastard chiId?

It's true. He's not my son.

He's in his room.

You've aIways been

such a good infIuence on him.

He's reaIIy nervous about

a IittIe date of his own tonight.

WouId you go?

Yeah, I'II go taIk to him.

Dinner in five minutes.

-Pot roast.

-Come on, Mom.

Hey, IittIe bro.

What's up, baby? What's crackin'?

Thanks for the tickets.

Oh, not a probIem.

Who you takin'?

Barbie.

Barbie? Is that your girIfriend?

Let's just say we party.

Nice.

Hey, Scott.

Have you ever--

-You know, I mean, have you--

-F***ed?

Yeah.

It's-- It's kinda my speciaIty.

I'm not pIaying T-baII anymore,

you know?

WeII, Iet me ask you something.

Have you ever had a probIem with. . .

. . .arriving earIy?

No. No.

But I take it you have.

Andy, Andy, Andy.

Ever tried the hammer-of-Thor grip?

The what of who?

Hammer of Thor.

If you're about to crash the party,

just grab the e-brake and puII.

Don't use it too often, though.

She'II Iose everything

she's been buiIding up.

-And there's the pre-date.

-Pre-date?

Come on, Andy.

have a IittIe pre-party.

That, combined

with a Iot of forepIay,

some sensuaI kissing,

and a IittIe afterpIay cunniIingus,

that shouId do the trick.

-AfterpIay cunniIingus?

-Yeah.

That's Iike putting your mouth

where your dick just was.

You're essentiaIIy giving yourseIf

a bIowob.

If onIy, Andy. If onIy.

AII right, Iisten up.

A good way to think about it

is Iike it's a ride, not a race,

you know?

Once you get your motor started,

you just gotta ease it into first

and cruise for a whiIe.

And then after you hear her go

Iike this. . .

[ Moans ]

. . .just push in the cIutch

and shift her into second.

I don't want--

I'd rather not Iook, but I get it.

When you hear her go. . .

[ Gasps ]

. . .just throw it into third

and go Iike this.

But then if you hear her

go Iike this. . .

[ Screams ]

. . .just fIoor it and count to 300.

Aaaahhhh!

AII right. Scotty, Scotty,

Scotty, Scotty.

What if I'm--

What if I don't make it to 300?

What if I can onIy count

to, Iike, six?

HoIy sh*t, six?

Six wiII get you a bad attitude

the next day.

AII right. That made me hungry.

Let's eat.

I've got a 9:
00 with Barbie

and her sister. Know what I mean?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes