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How to Make Love to a Woman Page #7
and size fours roII in?
I did, actuaIIy.
They're beautifuI.
[ Scoffs ]
You must've had a few fights
in your day.
I've won a coupIe.
I'II seII that horse for gas
if you don't stop right now.
Stay over here
and put that gas pump back!
You're gonna bIow us aII up!
Can I give you some advice?
PIease.
Good communication skiIIs
are the key to any reIationship.
You said that in James Bondage,
didn't you?
Those are words to Iive by.
I mean, Tony and I. . .
we say it Iike we reaIIy feeI.
Hey, who's this guy?
I feeI eaIous.
I wiII cut you in the face
if you make a probIem.
He's a nice guy.
Oh. Dang.
See? By simpIy saying
what you feeI --
I mean, reaIIy feeI --
that's how you don't cIoud the issue.
Oh, I definiteIy didn't say
CouId I suggest something?
Maybe a bottIe of wine
and then an apoIogy.
Not my beer?
Get your asses in the car
or Jesus doesn't Iove you.
CHILDREN:
Not Jesus!No, no, no!
[ Car door cIoses ]
Good Iuck, Andy.
Thanks, Jenna.
[ ''Keep Us'' by Peter BradIey Adams
pIays ]
Lauren?
When the rain set in
We had nowhere left to go
So we just stayed in bed
While the thunder rolled
There's a comfort in the rain,
one that lovers...
And then he just kind of,
Iike, bIew up at me.
[ ExhaIes ]
He--
He toId me to take the ob
in Chicago.
Like he doesn't even care!
Honey, of course he doesn't care.
He's just Iike the rest
of the heartIess,
reproducing machines out there.
I mean, he shouId be here right now
begging you to stay.
Not throwing fits
Iike some sort of baby-chiId.
I mean, Lauren,
you cannot hoId this guy's hand
through every hiccup
in your reIationship.
WeII, I know this, but you know,
then part of me wonders
if he does reaIIy care, then. . .
I'd be throwing away everything
that I Iove about him.
So? That can't be very much.
piece of sh*t in the Adam's appIe.
-PIease.
-I wiII.
Honey, you going to Chicago
couId be the best thing that happens
for the both of you, okay?
aII the time
because your parents
are so cIose, right?
Yeah.
Or you couId just
string him aIong endIessIy
and make other commitments
on the side.
That's what I do.
I'm thinking that maybe that's not
the best advice in the situation.
Lauren, you know what's right
in your heart. You gotta go.
-Oh, Iet it out. Let it out.
-Don't puke.
[ ''Sunday Drive'' by The EarIy
November pIays ]
And we wait above a road
We're turning to go home
And the silence
from the side of the car
Nomi and Layne
caIIed to apoIogize again.
When'd you taIk to those erk faces?
Just now.
I'm aII out of paper, though.
Been writing Iyrics
for my side proect.
It's probabIy gonna be worth it
if I can make a Ioad of cash. . .
as soon as you give me
a record deaI.
We'II taIk Iater.
[ DiaI tone ]
-HeIIo.
-Is Lauren home?
Oh, you know what?
You just missed her.
She went home to get away
from her erk boyfriend.
Wait, who is this?
Is that that IittIe douche bag that
has a bIind date with my right shin?
Thanks.
Oh, was that your mom?
And l wonder if l'm alone
-Hey, Mom?
-Mm-hmm.
Why did you and Dad spIit up?
Because I kicked his Iazy ass out.
That's why.
Yeah, but why?
I guess I just wasn't sure
that I was in Iove with him anymore.
And he was Iazy.
WeII, what made you
change your mind?
Found out I couIdn't Iive without him.
Because he's the one?
No.
'Cause I Iove him.
ReIationships go through aII kinds
of peaks and vaIIeys, Lauren.
And there is no ''one.''
UnIess you're counting the one
in the back of your imagination.
Here's what I think.
I think you find the right person
that you wanna buiId a Iife with,
and then you make that person
the perfect one for you.
[ Crash ]
Goddamnit! Damn it!
Lawn mower's got a mind of its own!
And you try reaI hard.
MR. BAKER:
Goddamnit!Andy! Hey, good to see you.
Hey, Dad.
Good to see ya.
Come on in.
Yeah.
Grandpa, how ya doin'?
Yeah, the hemorrhoids
are humping Iike rabbits.
-Ah. Unfortunate.
-Yeah.
-How's everything?
-Oh, yeah, everything's great.
-I was just in the neighborhood.
-Good.
-MRS. CONNERS:
Is that Andy?-Hey.
Mom, Andy's home!
-Oh, hi, honey.
-Hey, Mom.
Did you get those
teeth-whitening strips I sent you?
Yes, I got everything.
Thank you so much.
-Hey, Gram.
-Where's Lauren?
She went to Irvine.
Shoot. I Iike her, Andy.
Yeah. I Iike her, too.
-When you gonna pop the question?
-Whoa.
Yeah. I don't know.
God, you're handsome.
If I weren't your grandmother,
after a six-pack.
Grandma!
Take it easy.
Have you said hi to Scott yet?
The bastard chiId?
It's true. He's not my son.
He's in his room.
You've aIways been
such a good infIuence on him.
a IittIe date of his own tonight.
WouId you go?
Yeah, I'II go taIk to him.
Dinner in five minutes.
-Pot roast.
-Come on, Mom.
Hey, IittIe bro.
What's up, baby? What's crackin'?
Thanks for the tickets.
Oh, not a probIem.
Who you takin'?
Barbie.
Barbie? Is that your girIfriend?
Let's just say we party.
Nice.
Hey, Scott.
Have you ever--
-You know, I mean, have you--
-F***ed?
Yeah.
It's-- It's kinda my speciaIty.
I'm not pIaying T-baII anymore,
you know?
WeII, Iet me ask you something.
Have you ever had a probIem with. . .
. . .arriving earIy?
No. No.
But I take it you have.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
Ever tried the hammer-of-Thor grip?
The what of who?
Hammer of Thor.
If you're about to crash the party,
just grab the e-brake and puII.
Don't use it too often, though.
She'II Iose everything
she's been buiIding up.
-And there's the pre-date.
-Pre-date?
Come on, Andy.
have a IittIe pre-party.
That, combined
with a Iot of forepIay,
some sensuaI kissing,
and a IittIe afterpIay cunniIingus,
that shouId do the trick.
-AfterpIay cunniIingus?
-Yeah.
That's Iike putting your mouth
where your dick just was.
You're essentiaIIy giving yourseIf
a bIowob.
If onIy, Andy. If onIy.
AII right, Iisten up.
is Iike it's a ride, not a race,
you know?
Once you get your motor started,
you just gotta ease it into first
and cruise for a whiIe.
And then after you hear her go
Iike this. . .
[ Moans ]
. . .just push in the cIutch
and shift her into second.
I don't want--
I'd rather not Iook, but I get it.
When you hear her go. . .
[ Gasps ]
. . .just throw it into third
and go Iike this.
But then if you hear her
go Iike this. . .
[ Screams ]
. . .just fIoor it and count to 300.
Aaaahhhh!
AII right. Scotty, Scotty,
Scotty, Scotty.
What if I'm--
What if I don't make it to 300?
What if I can onIy count
to, Iike, six?
HoIy sh*t, six?
Six wiII get you a bad attitude
the next day.
AII right. That made me hungry.
Let's eat.
I've got a 9:
00 with Barbieand her sister. Know what I mean?
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"How to Make Love to a Woman" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 29 Aug. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/how_to_make_love_to_a_woman_10312>.
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