How to Make Love to a Woman Page #8

Andy, did you know that Scotty

has a girIfriend?

-Barbie, right?

-That's right.

-Did you kiss her yet?

-Aw, come on, Dad.

What were you two taIking about

back there? I heard noises.

Oh, yeah. Andy can't get Lauren

to cIimax in bed.

-Whoa.

-Oh, honey.

Are you taking your vitamins?

Scott, aren't you supposed

to meet someone about now?

Oh, yeah, yeah, totaIIy.

Can I have money?

[ Sighs ]

Just make sure

that you're home by midnight.

Pops, I promise

I wiII be in bed by midnight.

So, are you impotent or something?

Does your pecker work at aII?

Yes. Yes, it works.

It works Iike crazy.

It's awesome.

Good.

Do -- do you mix things up a IittIe?

Show her some variety?

Yeah.

Gotta be spontaneous.

We used to do it in your room.

No.

And you have to know

her fantasies.

You know, Iike pirate and sIave girI.

[ Pirate impression ] : Ar, you're

mine now, you brown beauty.

I got ya.

Do you do forepIay?

Grandma. . .

Yes, I do forepIay.

But do you go down on her?

Mother!

Hey, you wanna get to Vegas,

you gotta cross the desert, son.

Since when did everyone

in this famiIy

turn into some kind of sex expert?

We got cabIe Iast month.

[ Laughter ]

You have to find out

what Lauren enoys,

what she wants.

When did you Iast teII her

that you Ioved her?

WeII, never.

What?

Andy, women need to hear

those magic words.

There's your probIem.

WeII, I've never heard Dad say it.

That's the Iast thing

he says to me every night.

ReaIIy?

I --

I never reaIized.

Do you Iove her?

Yeah. I reaIIy do.

You gotta teII her.

Forget everything eIse. That's

the most important thing of aII.

When I get back, I'II take her

somewhere reaIIy nice and I'II--

Now, Andy.

Now.

DanieI.

Can Lauren come out to pIay?

What are you doing here?

Curtis said you'd be visiting

your parents.

He did, did he?

He wants me to convince you

to take the Chicago ob.

So here.

Wow.

-PIane tickets.

-Mm-hmm.

Can I taIk you into a gIass of wine?

We'II ceIebrate?

I don't know if I shouId.

I know a great IittIe ItaIian spot

just right down the road.

Are you forgetting

that I grew up here, too?

Come on.

No, I shouIdn't.

Why?

Andy and I are fighting.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

That's a bummer.

Wait, these are pIane tickets,

and you act Iike it's not a big deaI.

WeII, it's not.

ReaIIy. I mean, these are just

pieces of paper.

The actuaI fIying part

is the big deaI.

Right.

Come on, one IittIe gIass of wine.

A haIf-- a IittIe, itsy-bitsy,

tiny gIass of wine.

Okay, but just one.

Just one. WeII, that--

yeah, that's what I said.

l am desperate and lonely

You're the only one for me

l know l'm pathetic

One day l'll regret this

You've got me now

[ Speed diaI ]

Hi, you've reached Lauren.

l'm away from my phone right now,

but if you leave a message l'll--

[ Hangs up ]

Oh, heIIo, Andy.

HeIIo, Mrs. Baker.

-What brings you here?

-Lauren.

She's not answering my caIIs,

and we kind of had

this IittIe, tiny fight.

-May I speak with her?

-She went downtown.

Do you know where downtown?

-No, honey, she went with a friend.

-And which friend was that?

-DanieI.

-Oh.

WouId you Iike to come in and wait?

I can't chat right now, Mrs. Baker.

I'm sorry.

I'm in Iove with your daughter.

Kinda busy.

Sorry 'bout your fIowers.

So just, you know, hearing about

this beautifuI, taIented Lauren --

Lauren this, Lauren that, you know.

And when Curtis caIIed me

down to meet you,

I just waIked up, and I just --

In a miIIion years, I wouId've never,

you know, thought that it was you.

Lauren.

Lauren.

What?

Is everything okay?

Yeah.

You know, we're not doing

anything wrong here.

No, no, I know.

So what're you thinking about?

Andy.

Andy.

He's the one.

I mean, right now

he's sort of Iike a haIf.

But hopefuIIy, in a few years,

he'II be a one.

You sure?

So, I guess that means

you're not coming to Chicago?

I guess not. I'm sorry.

I hope I'm as Iucky as Andy is

some day.

I think you wiII be.

You think?

Yeah, definiteIy.

WeII, here's to true Iove.

Even if you have doubts at first.

[ CeII phone vibrates ]

It's Curtis.

So I guess I'm gonna go out there

and teII him

that you're staying in L.A.?

Oh, he's not gonna be happy.

Andy. What are you doing here?

Mmm, I Iove the bread.

What are you doing here?

You don't Iove bread.

I'm just here with a friend.

What's wrong?

-I hope I'm not interrupting.

-No, of course not.

In fact, I'm actuaIIy reaIIy gIad

you're here.

Yeah, I'm reaIIy gIad to be here, too.

Now you can teII me the truth.

Truth about what?

About DanieI,

this prick you're here with.

No, we're not here together.

He's just a famiIy friend.

Oh. Now he's a famiIy friend.

I thought he was a coIIeague.

Yeah, he's both.

He grew up a bIock away

from my parents.

I've known him since I was 1 0.

And Iast night

he just happened to be in L.A.,

and tonight he just happens

to be in Irvine?

Yes.

Stop Iying to me!

-I'm not Iying!

How couId you do this

behind my back?

Have you sIept with him aIready?

I'm not cheating on you.

WiII you be oining us

for dinner tonight, sir?

I'm sorry that I can't

satisfy you, okay?

I'm sorry

that I'm so inadequate in bed

that my wiener

and aII its shortcomings

have driven you to this huge boner

that you've known since you were 1 0.

Just Iet me know

if you change your mind.

Andy, you need to caIm down

right now.

It's never been about that.

AII right, fine,

it doesn't heIp, but. . . .

It's about you not being there

for me emotionaIIy.

I have aIways been there

for you emotionaIIy.

I Iive there emotionaIIy,

in a nice big house

with rows of pretty fIowers out front.

You never even said you Ioved me.

Oh, but DanieI wiII. He'II probabIy

teII you next week, right?

And then you guys can go off

and have babies,

and you can send me e-maiIs

and teII me aII about your babies.

WeII, guess what, Lauren?

I don't give a damn about you

and your stupid babies.

You know what reaIIy gets me?

I had no doubt you were the girI

I wanted to spend

the rest of my Iife with.

And now I know

you never were that girI.

[ ExhaIes ]

Is that reaIIy how you feeI?

Yeah.

[ Sobbing ]

-Lauren? Lauren?

-Oh.

Hey, prickstain, take a waIk?

-Lauren, you okay?

-What's it to you?

-Do you not hear me?

-She's my friend, Andy.

And I don't Iike to see her

embarrassed in pubIic.

DanieI, wiII you pIease

take me home?

AbsoIuteIy.

Lauren, pIease,

Iet me take you home.

I'II take you home.

I'm sorry.

Good-bye, Andy.

[ Knocking on door ]

I'm busy.

[ knocking continues ]

Okay, enough with the knocking!

Hi.

Oh. How was the future?

You Iook Iike you sIept

under a donkey.

Yeah, right after you kissed

that donkey

and its two donkey friends.

Can we come in?

So, where were you Iast night?

[ Sighs ]

I went to Irvine.

What, to taIk to Lauren?

Yeah, to see Lauren.

Why do you ask?

Wondering what method she used

to try to change me?

Wow. Dude, that is so--

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