How to Make Love to a Woman Page #9

Okay.

Okay.

I'm sorry, Andy.

I'm reaIIy sorry about that.

But I've been thinking

a Iot recentIy and. . .

I've reaIized, I'm not upset

with Lauren, I'm upset with you.

-Me?

-Yeah, you.

Why are you mad at me?

Because you've totaIIy

disappeared on me.

We used to be best friends,

and now I hardIy

even see you anymore.

The onIy time you even taIk to

me is when you need heIp.

You see me.

I mean, just because we don't

see each other aII the time,

that doesn't mean we're not friends.

Whatever happens is gonna happen,

but no matter what,

I wiII aIways consider you a brother.

And not Iike a brother.

-I mean, I do. I know what's up.

-Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

you know what's up.

AII right, brother,

I'II catch you Iater.

CooI.

I'II see you in the car.

Waking up on Sunday morning

Finding over last night's

indulgences

'Cause every time l've cried

and tried to hide away my feelings

lt makes me sick

'Cause it's just a game

that we play

And in the dark

it all just goes away

'Cause l'm trying to forget

'Cause l know

things will get better yet

And you'll see

You'll see

You'll see

The changes in me

Lauren.

She here?

Nope.

-Where is she?

-She's gone, man.

-Gone? Gone where?

-Listen, if Lauren didn't teII you--

Then why the heII

shouId we teII you, asshoIe?

Why shouIdn't we just punch you

in the stomach!

-Awesome.

-I did it.

That was awesome.

-That was awesome.

-Because I Iove her, okay?

Paint it on a waII somewhere

in big red Ietters.

PIease, I'm begging you.

I can't Iose her.

I mean, she's probabIy aIready

at the airport, okay?

She's catching a fIight to Chicago.

-Now?

-No, in 45 minutes.

She's Ieaving out of Long Beach.

I mean, you couId've toId me

that you Ioved her.

I wouIdn't've punched you Iike that.

And you'll see

You'll see

You'll see

The changes in me

l'm trying to forget

'Cause l know

things will get better yet

And you'll see

You'll see

You'll see

The changes in me

ln me

[ Cheers and appIause ]

Excuse me, sir,

you can't park there.

Sir. Sir!

-I need a ticket.

-Where to?

-Chicago. I need a ticket to Chicago.

-Okay.

Um.

Oh.

I'm sorry, there are no more fIights

to Chicago tonight.

Did one just Ieave?

Yes, it took off

about 1 0 minutes ago.

So, it's--

it's gone?

WeII, it's not here, so I wouId

assume it's in the air, sir.

-To Chicago?

-Yes.

With Danny.

Excuse me?

[ Thunder ]

[ PIane departs ]

I'm so sorry.

You shouId be.

I have never wanted anything

as much as I want this.

If I had wings, I wouId have fIown

after that pIane.

You're my whoIe Iife.

And I know that in the past

I might have taken that for granted.

But I don't know

what I wouId do without you.

Do you think that you couId give me

just one more chance?

Just one more.

I Iove you, Lauren.

I do. I reaIIy Iove you.

Andy, it's too Iate.

I'm sorry it took me so Iong.

No, you don't understand.

It's too Iate.

I don't wanna be with DanieI.

And I don't wanna Ieave my famiIy

and my friends so far away,

but, Andy, I reaIized something.

I deserve so much better than you.

Lauren, are you serious?

You just never cared enough.

Lauren.

Oh.

Please don't throw that away

'Cause l'm here for you

Please don't walk away

Andy, you asshoIe!

I was just oking.

Did I take it too far?

I'm never Ietting go of you.

You're not oking again, are you?

No.

Good.

Because that wouId be

a terribIe oke.

I don't even know if it was funny

the first time.

I can't Iet you back in

that easy, can I?

AbsoIuteIy not.

I deserved it.

Lauren, I'm so sorry.

I just got scared, and the thought

of you Ieaving made me crazy.

I'm not Ieaving you.

Sometimes you can be a IittIe sIow,

but I can handIe that.

Sometimes I'm a IittIe anxious.

I need you.

You're the protector of my cIoset.

Say you're not Ieaving me

just one more time.

I Iove you, Andy.

I'm not Ieaving you.

But do you think I couId ever Iearn

how to take care of you?

I mean, reaIIy take care of you?

That depends.

Where are you taking me tonight?

How about we get in that cab?

Oh, my God, it rained

aII the way into the cab.

And they took my car.

[ Moaning ]

I Iove you, Lauren.

l'm on the verge

l'm on the verge

Unraveling with every word

With every word you say

Make me believe

That l won't feel your tires

on the street

The first time I sIept with Lauren,

I thought I was great,

but I reaIIy wasn't.

I mean, I wasn't bad-bad,

but I was more Iike,

you know, a five.

Um. . .

Right?

-Mmm, more Iike a three.

-What?

Okay, Iike three haIves.

That's one and a haIf.

That's even worse.

WeII, you got better.

He got a Iot better.

And now I'm Iike a 1 0.

Okay. Let's not get carried away.

Okay. I can Iive with a 9.5.

That's cooI.

[ Interviewer cIears throat ]

[ CIears throat again ]

Not bad for garIic breath.

WeII, it was that or burp,

and that's sort of your thing.

Okay, so when we first started,

maybe I wasn't a perfect 1 0 either.

And what changed?

I found the diamond.

l'm ready, so don't come

How to make Iove to a woman.

[ Phone rings ]

Watch this.

HeIIo?

Hey. Yeah--

No, I toId you, just come over,

we'II just spoon.

Okay, see you tonight.

Taking a deep breath,

feeIing good about yourseIf,

Iube, some Iesbians,

and a cattIe prod.

I keep my pants on.

You know, a Iot of peopIe

wanna be naked.

Just wear some cIothes

in case of fire. It's about safety.

You don't wanna be

making Iove naked,

house catches on fire,

you run outside

and you get embarrassed.

I'm wearing what I'm taking.

I Iike guys, so, I don't know. Um. . .

How to make Iove to a woman?

I think Oreo-cookie mouth,

don't brush your teeth

for a coupIe days.

Give it to her good.

Then no cuddIing, no Ioving,

just Ieave,

because that's what we want.

Just Ieave.

I do a Iot of shadow puppeting

around that.

And then I work my way down,

and I just hit it.

You know, I just hit it.

And I hit it.

I have some martiaI-arts training.

I just hit it.

They say if it Iasts more

than four hours,

you gotta go to the hospitaI.

WeII, if I'm ever Iucky enough

for that to Iast four hours,

I'm not going to no hospitaI.

I'm gonna pIay that sucker right out.

[ Laughs ]

I Iike to focus on putting the penis

in the vagina.

I think that's pretty key.

Or severaI.

Jesus.

How to make Iove to a woman?

Ask Beau.

At the Iocker room,

just champagne expIoding,

taking off your cIothes,

just swatting everyone

on the ass and just--

just a bunch of naked guys

just reaIIy happy together.

That's how I make Iove to a woman.

It shouId be very easy.

You just ump on her

and make Iove, simpIe Iove.

Why is that difficuIt?

[ Moaning ]

How to make Iove to a woman?

A woman?

Why are you asking me that?

Not if I Iive to be 1 00.

WeII, who knows.

Oh, my God.

Lord have mercy.

You know, feIIas, meet her

at the church and Iove her,

and then bang that back out.

Bang, bang, bang! Right?

You know aII about bIack chocoIate?

You know aII about it.

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