Huckleberry Finn Page #5

Pike County in Missouri.

That's where I was born.

And they all died off

except for me and Pap

and my brother Ike

and our freeborn

manservant here, Jim.

That's right.

He tellin' it right.

Oh, I know he is and he's

doing a wonderful job.

Isn't he though?

Yeah, well, continue, uh...

What did you say

your name was?

Jackson. George Jackson.

Well, we ran into a

piece of bad luck a

couple of nights ago.

Steamboat ran over the

forward end of our raft,

we all fell overboard

underneath the wheel.

Jim and me come up

all right, but,

well, Pap was drunk

and, well, Ike was only

four years old.

Lord rest their souls.

(YAWNING)

That was a really

very touching story,

but I've had a tryin' morning.

Think I'm gonna join my friend

in the arms of Morpheus.

Move your feet, Bilgey,

move your feet.

What?

I've had better

accommodations than this.

Do you think he believed us?

(SHUSHING)

But did you believe him?

I mean about them

being royalty and all?

Well, not all of it.

Well, as long as

he believes that

we believe that stretcher

he told us, I figure

he'll go along with ours.

Besides, like Miss Watson

used to say, "Them two might

"just be a blessing

in disguise."

And once he gets you into

his clutches, my friends,

the demon rum will rot you,

through and through!

Rot your body, rot your brain,

rot your immortal soul.

Oh, it was spellbinding,

I tell you. I was the pet

of the womenfolk.

Big and little.

'Cause we was makin' it mighty

warm for those rummies.

We were takin' in a fortune.

Then somehow or other

a little report got out that

we was puttin' in time

with the jug on the sly.

They run us out of

town so quick...

Quiet, quiet, quiet,

quiet, quiet, quiet.

Then we took to

sellin' an article to take

the tartar off the teeth,

and it does, too.

And generally the

enamel along with it.

We got outta there just

ahead of the lynch mob.

Enough, they were

a pack of ingrates!

Oh, boy, put

mine over there.

May I make a suggestion,

gentlemen?

If I was to make believe

to be your slave,

why, folks would never

question two gentlemen

of obvious quality,

such as yourselves.

Why you'd appear to be,

the owners of a valuable

piece of property

namely me.

And that way we could

all travel together safely.

Brilliant. Brilliant!

But it needs something!

Let me think.

I've got it!

You two wanna make it

safely to Cairo, right?

Yes, sir!

Well, it wouldn't

hurt to have a little

jingle in your pockets

when you get there, would it?

(LAUGHS)

You are now members

of the Royal Shakespeare

Touring Company.

Good thinking, King.

Bilgey, I want you to make

me up some new posters

and tickets. Lots of tickets.

For two nights only,

David Garrick the Younger

and Edmund Keene the Elder,

direct from London in

their celebrated performance

of The Royal None Such!

(LAUGHS)

The play's the thing, boys.

KING:
My dear citizens of

this fair, charming,

quaint city of Clairville.

Trusting you all know

your own names,

let me tell you mine.

I am David Garrick

the Younger

of the Royal Haymarket

Theater, White Chapel,

Piccadilly, Pudding Lane,

London!

Now star and managing

director of the

Royal Shakespeare

Touring Company. Ta-da!

And now, let me introduce

you to the members of

my illustrious troupe.

First of all, Mr. Edmund Keene

the Elder of the Drury

Lane Theater, London.

Right there.

Yes. And now,

my young ward Percival

Hepplewhite the Third,

known throughout

Europe as the boy genius

of Stratford-upon-Avon.

Right there.

Thank you for your

passionate response, sir.

And now,

last but not least, perhaps

the world most brilliant

interpreter of

Shakespeare's immortal

character, Caliban,

the former king of

Hugga mugga,

King Goonawonga!

Right there.

(CROWD MURMURING)

Assisted by the strength

of my entire troupe,

with new appointments,

new scenery, new props,

for just two nights only,

because of imperative

European engagements

we will present

the thrilling,

spine tingling, inspiring

epic from the pen

of the Bard himself,

The Royal None Such!

Unfortunately,

however, there...

Unfortunately, however,

women and children

will not be admitted

to either performance.

Under any circumstances.

(CHATTERING)

There must be at least a

hundred people in there.

More like 163

including standing room.

Can hardly wait to

see the show myself.

Me neither.

Full house,

full house. Listen...

You two run along down

to the raft with Bilgewater.

What? Don't we get

to see the show?

His Majesty don't like

nobody watchin' from

the wings. Come on.

But, but...

Get out of here.

Why, Tom, you're too young.

Who let you in?

I let myself in.

Well, let yourself out!

Hey, put me down!

(SHUSHING)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

(CHEERING)

Bless you. Gentlemen

and gentlemen.

(LAUGHING)

The Royal Shakespeare

Touring Company is proud to

present tonight for your

pleasure.

(LAUGHING)

The least known,

yet for his greatest work

of the Bard of Avon.

(CHEERING)

The Royal None Such.

Also known as

The Tragedy of the

King's Camel Leopard.

Prepare for

Rolling heads,

blood that sheds

Right before your eyes

Revenge and hate,

the mell of fate

When everybody dies

And who does so much more

than lust and gore

(LAUGHS) Laughter.

(CRYING) Tears.

And skin.

The Royal None Such

Has come to town,

so let the play

Before we raise the curtain

on this epic tour de force

Certain pertinent

facts I must convey

This manuscript lay

static in a corner of

Shakespeare's attic

Till I by chance

Discovered it

Dramatically uncovered it

It was a cold and rainy night.

I happened to be a house guest

at the ancestral cottage

of my dear friend,

Shakespeare.

(YAWNS)

Alas, sleep would not come.

So I spent the night

scuffling about

midst the boxes and

the barrels aloft.

When moment of moments.

I stumbled upon this discarded

bundle of parchment.

Breathlessly I blew

away 247 years

of dust.

(COUGHS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Lo, there it was.

In the Bard's own hand.

The Royal None Such.

A new tragedy by

William Shakespeare.

Oh, ho

There so much more

than love and war

In this great

Shakespeareance

The Royal Nonesuch

has come to town

The Royal None Such

of much renown

The Royal None Such

Won't let you down

So let the play

Commence

Come on, come on, come on.

Can't we at least go back and

take a look? He'd never know.

It was a triumph.

Let's get out of here.

But is the show over already?

Always leave them

wanting more.

Get that boy out of here!

What the devil

you doin', boy?

We threw you out once.

Belay there,

let the boy speak.

I just come to tell you,

there'll be no show tonight.

ALL:
What?

They all run off, I saw 'em.

The kid's right.

They're gone!

There ain't nothing

back there.

No scenery, no costumes,

nothing but the piano player.

(ALL SHOUTING)

I sure don't like this

Royal None Such business.

Stealin' poor people's

money, that's

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