Hudson Hawk Page #3

TOMMY:

I didn't know how to tell you. A

couple brokers stopped in for Stoley

Spritzers one night. Next thing I

know Fast Track Digest votes us

"Watering Hole of the Month." Now,

I'm shopping for Aqua Salmon wallpaper.

HAWK:

I read about these people in Newsweek.

Where's all the regulars, Crazy Jeff

Cava, the Todd sisters, Indian Joe?

Where's Ed Kranepool's autograph? You

took down Captain Bob's steering wheel?

TOMMY:

All gone. But look on the bright

side, half the joint is yours.

Blackjack, get my irritable partner

a cappuccino. I gotta go be a boss.

Tommy lifts a piece of the bar and moves behind it.

Snatching up a menu, Hawk calls out...

HAWK:

Reindeer Goat cheese pizza? I

admit, I've been known to go wild

and order a Canadian Bacon in my

time, but.. reindeer goat cheese?

Hawk lights up a cigarette. A TORTOISE SHELL NON-SMOKER

immediately turns to him wearing a "Yes, I mind if you

smoke" button.

TORTOISE SHELL NON-SMOKER

Can you read....smoker?

HAWK:

Can you take a rainbow and sprinkle

it with dew, waxhead?

(CONTINUED)

12.

12 CONTINUED:
12

No.

(Huh?)

TORTOISE SHELL NON-SMOKER

HAWK:

The Candy Man can, Felix. You

know, I thought this was a country

where you could do any stupid

thing you wanted; drive to work

naked, spank a chiropractor, make

love to a V.C.R. Maybe that's why

I became a random collector of

kneecaps.

Hey, big guy.

Have mine....

TORTOISE SHELL NON-SMOKER

Smoke all you want.

HAWK:

Thank you, Jesus.

The Non-smoker fumbles out a pack of cigarettes and

flees. Tommy slides a cappuccino in cup and saucer down

the bar saloon-style. A smiling Hawk picks it up, turns

away from the bar and closes his eyes, bringing the cup

to his lips until it EXPLODES re-splattering coffee over

Hawk's war-torn blazer. Nobody notices.

All Hawk sees is the usual sea of oblivious and loud

self-obsession until he scans to a far corner table of

Mafia types where a cocky thug ANTONY MARIO, smiling

directly at Hawk, thrusts a silencer-gun back down his

pants.

The threatening, hair-slicked-back leader, CESAR MARIO,

gives Hawk a come-hither finger wiggle.

13 BACK OF THE BAR 13

With concern, Tommy watches Hawk walk over to them.

HAWK:

Cute shot, Antony.

ANTONY:

F*** you, Eddie.

With sudden ferocious anger, Hawk cracks Antony across

the jaw into a chair. A SCARFACED BODYGUARD, pulling

a knife, is kept in check by the cool Cesar.

HAWK:

Cesar Mario, Antony Mario, when

did the circus get in? Who killed

my monkey?

(CONTINUED)

13.

13 CONTINUED:
13

CESAR:

Hawk, my hand to God, didn't whack

little Eddie...I never had anything

against that kooky chimp. I

actually found him, "endearing."

HAWK:

Yeah. Face down. Two endearing

shots to the back of his endearing

head. That's your trademark, Cesar.

What did Little Eddie ever do to...

ANTONY:

So some little banana eater got

iced, what's the big...

Hawk is ready for another thwack, but Cesar defuses him.

CESAR:

Shut up. Why won't you do the

auction house?

HAWK:

Auction houses are very popular this

season. Call me superstitious, but I

don't like to commit a crime less

than 24 hours after getting out

of the joint.

Cesar reveals a black canvas bag as Hawk wearily sits.

CESAR:

It's very simple. There's a safe

on the seventh floor. You take

their From the safe you take out

a thingie and put it in this

thingie...

HAWK:

Or you cut off my thingie.

Directions even your brother

would understand.

ANTONY:

(defensively)

Yeah, directions even I could

understand.

CESAR:

Silence. Hawk, you're the best.

No one but you can do it. So don't

give me a line of bullshit about

how you really want to go straight,

open a hardware store and sell

spatulas...

(CONTINUED)

14.

13 CONTINUED:
(2) 13

HAWK:

You know what, Cesar, if the Mario

brothers weren't Jersey's third

largest family, I'd say kiss my ass.

But considering your status, I'll

say slurp my butt.

Antony angrily pulls out his silencer-gun. Tommy merrily

comes forward with a bottle of wine.

TOMMY:

Have you lovely folks tried our

house wine. I think you'll

enjoy...

ANTONY:

Beat it, Tommy, no dinosaurs

allowed.

Tommy equally merrily smashes the bottle over Antony's

head.

CESAR:

Enough! I'm going to tell you

something. Forget Gates, forget

your little shoe. You don't do

the job and I'm going to put you

on trial, and I promise you, there

won't be a bailiff.

TOMMY:

Perhaps a little too precocious.

HAWK:

A wee bit.

TOMMY:

Do you think we hurt their feelings?

HAWK:

I certainly hope so.

(CONTINUED)

15A/16.

15 INT. BACK ROOM -NIGHT 15

TOMMY:

Mack the Knife.

HAWK:

3:
05.

TOMMY:

I Only Have Eyes For You.

HAWK:

Why Tommy, I didn't know you cared.

3 minutes, 39 seconds.

TOMMY:

Xanadu.

HAWK:

3:
30. How could you take this down?

Don't you remember the night Captain

Bob came in, out of his mind...

Nobody could figure out where he

got this thing.

TOMMY:

Nasty little safe on the 7th floor.

Simpson 71.

HAWK:

Last time I played a game, Simpson

only made a forty.

TOMMY:

Just means it'll take you an extra

31 seconds to seduce.

HAWK:

I'm not worried about the safe. You

got three guards on each foot. What

am I doing? I should be going out,

buying the New York Post, going

through the want ads and looking for

a job selling spatulas.

TOMMY:

Hey, I'm sorry man, I'm putting out

a fire with kerosene.

HAWK:

What is this?

TOMMY:

That's five seconds.

(CONTINUED)

16A.

15 CONTINUED:
15

HAWK:

This is not funny!

TOMMY:

My record's eighteen.

HAWK:

You're not listening to me! F***

Gates. F*** the Mario Brothers.

I'm sorry. Can't we just go out

an' get some rice pudding and

cappuchino? By the way, how many

seconds?

TOMMY:

Not counting your bitching and

whining, six. You still think

you got it, Eddie?

(CONTINUED)

17.

15 CONTINUED:
(2) 15

HAWK:

Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.

TOMMY:

That's good news. Because I got

a plan. A great plan and you won't

have to hail Cesar or Gates.

HAWK:

This is no way to get rehabilitated.

(CONTINUED)

REPLACES 15A/16.

Witchcraft.

TOMMY:

3:
15.

HAWK:

Night & Day.

TOMMY:

HAWK:

Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald?

TOMMY:

Sinatra.

HAWK:

4:
22.

TOMMY:

Hit the Road Jack.

HAWK:

Tommy, where's my needle-nosed

pliars?

TOMMY:

Check the top of the bar. Hit the

Road Jack.

HAWK:

5:
15.

TOMMY:

I Left my Heart in San Francisco.

HAWK:

How could you take this down? Captain

Bob's steering wheel. Remember the

night that Captain Bob came in with

this steering wheel. Nobody could

figure out where he got it from.

TOMMY:

Eddie. Quiet. Come here. There's

a nasty little safe on the seventh

floor.

HAWK:

Simpson.

TOMMY:

Yeah.

HAWK:

What's the mechanism?

TOMMY:

71.

REPLACES 15A/16.

HAWK:

The last time I played the game,

Simpson only had a forty.

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