Husbands Page #8

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- I don't want... I don't want...

- Did you know I was schizophrenic?

I kill women in bed, then I pick my nose.

God.

- I'm mad! I'm mad! I'm mad!

- Get off me!

I'm half mad, half man.

I'm half mad, half man.

Do you understand what that means?

Will you kiss my lip?

- Get off me!

- Here. This lip.

- I don't want to kiss your...

- I love you.

I don't want anything to do with you.

Get off me! Get off...

Okay, watch out. I'm not gonna do anything.

...me!

I can't go through this anymore.

I'm exhausted, sheerly exhausted.

You're bigger than I am.

You beat the sh*t out of me. I'm just tired.

Oh, please. No, I can't. I can't.

I can't go on anymore. Honestly, I can't.

- Don't.

- Please.

- Don't go on anymore.

- Please.

- I'm getting...

- Look, just relax, please.

- Archie! Hurry!

- Oh, gosh...

- I'm about to enter...

- You're mad!

...the portals of hell!

- Get off me!

You're strangling me! Get up...

- How can I get you... I can't even help you.

- Let me get... Get off! Get off me, please!

One kiss, one kiss, one kiss.

The werewolf is attacking.

- My voice is...

- Get off me!

I'm in fast speed!

Don't stick your tongue out, I'll bite it off!

I'm almost choking! Get off.

I'm gonna choke!

- I can't help you.

- Get off!

All right, now, look. Can you help me up?

Just push on my neck. Push on my neck.

That's it!

Now, I'll get you out if you'll help me.

Now, just stay there. Don't move

'cause you're in a dangerous spot.

Careful! Oh, God!

You scream like a fishwife.

Now, let me take you

to a more comfortable spot.

Oh, please, leave me alone.

More comfortable, more comfortable.

You'll love it. You'll love it.

Please, just come over here.

I can't work out of the light. I'm a dentist.

- Now!

- Oh, I think you're out of your tiny mind!

Darling, I can't kiss you from here.

It is physically impossible.

Even your elbow is out of my reach.

- Could you help me?

- Pass it...

- Could you help me?

... my dear.

All right then, I'm gonna get brutal.

I'm gonna get like a maniac again!

I'm gonna... You love it, don't you?

Lookit! Lookit!

You love it!

You love it! You love it!

I love it.

It's about time. One kiss, one kiss.

Just one kiss for my mother.

Kiss me like my mother, will you?

I've always been a mother-kisser!

You like it? You know this one?

I... I don't want to...

See, I don't want to make it uncomfortable

for you.

That's what I'm thinking about.

Not making it uncomfortable for you.

I'm trying...

If we could laugh... If you could laugh,

you see, that would be better.

That would be better if...

See, I like to laugh like...

It's... Laughing is good, you know.

But we don't have to laugh.

No, we could talk.

You talk?

If you talk, say what's on your mind...

I'm a terrific listener.

I'll listen to whatever you have to say.

I'm sure there are things

that you would like to tell me.

Get it out.

Could be broken English, I don't care.

Don't do that! Don't...

When I say don't, don't!

What are you, making a sucker out of me?

Come up in this room and lie down.

Who are you kidding?

What do you think, I'm a fool? I'm no fool.

Come near you, and I suck wind!

Make a sucker out of me.

Talk to you, and you don't answer me.

Who you kidding?

You probably speak English.

Speak Chinese, anything!

Just say something!

Lie there.

Don't get up, you don't leave,

just lie there. Terrific.

Just lie there like a virgin.

I want to go to bed. You lie there.

I'm afraid to talk to you.

I'm afraid you'll break,

and you give me tongue.

Order Coca-Cola, and then give me tongue.

Boy, I can tell you were in the chorus.

The way you kiss.

Is that the way to kiss in Japan?

Where you from?

Is that where you're from? Japan?

What's the difference?

I'm an American. I'm from New York.

You're Oriental, and I'm from New York.

Order Coca-Cola, and then give me tongue.

That's the part I don't get.

Give me tongue and order Coca-Cola,

I could understand that.

What's the difference?

Probably part of the tradition

in your country. I don't know about that.

I took a chance.

All my life, guys have been telling me,

"Archie, take a chance. "

Well, I took a chance.

Tell me, "Let it out, let it out.

" Suck wind!

Next time I let it out,

it's gonna be in a sailboat.

- In all the years I've been married...

- I know.

I know.

I just...

You know, it's goddamned strange.

That's all.

It's a strange thing.

- What's so strange?

- Well, I feel...

I feel so goddamned disloyal.

I feel like my heart is breaking.

You're terrific.

You're a wonderful girl.

- Hello.

- Hi, Mary.

- Do you want a coffee?

- Coffee, coffee, yes, coffee.

Can we have two, please? Black or white?

- White.

- Two whites.

This is my friend, Gus Demetri.

I live around here.

- Do I embarrass you?

- Terribly.

Oh, Gus, you're so laconic!

Come on, wake up! Do something! Come on!

- Do something? Jesus.

- Look, move your feet or something.

- They're too bruised.

- Go on. And now your hands.

And laugh.

Now say something funny.

Say something funny,

so I can attack you. Go.

Let's see. I hate aggressive women.

- Come on, don't get sensitive on me.

- All right. So, you don't like me. All right.

- Just don't get sensitive, that's all.

- I don't care anyway. I mean, who are you?

You're nobody, are you?

Just met you. Doesn't matter.

I don't need you anyway.

Gus, stop.

- I know what it was.

- What was it?

Big Mary tired little Gussie out last night.

Couldn't take the pace.

No. Big Mary tired little Gussie out

this morning, not last night.

I hate your silly little white hands.

Your silly, stupid, little white hands.

I hate men with little white hands!

- I have little white hands, but they're...

- I hate yours especially!

They're heavily marked.

They're beautiful hands.

They have beautiful signs in them.

Mine are better.

- I don't think they are.

- Of course they are.

They are. They're better and they're cleaner

and bigger.

You don't know anything.

You have long legs like a horse.

What about yours?

Little, tiny, short legs, don't you?

Little, tiny, tiny, short, short legs!

You think those are my legs?

These are my real legs?

Gus? Did I...

Did I really misunderstand

everything you said last night?

- I don't know what you're talking about.

- Did I misinterpret it all? Everything?

- Misinterpret what?

- Gus!

- Now, don't get violent.

- No, Gus! Look at me, please, Gus.

Do you like me?

I'm crazy about you.

You're not.

You're blonde.

You're blonde and you're tall,

and as long as you're blonde and tall...

Now, just be charming.

- I don't want to be charming!

- Come on...

- I don't... Please, I... Gus...

- Be charming. Be charming.

I don't want to be... Shut up!

Get off... Shut up. Please, I don't...

Mary, what do you want me to do?

You want me to say, "Will you marry me?"

Listen, there's no cabs. It's impossible.

Wait here, and I'll call for one.

Where are you going?

Hey, where are you going in the rain?

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