Husbands Page #9

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Where you going in the rain? Julie?

You believe me now? There are no cabs.

You believe me now?

There are no cabs. No cabs.

Thanks.

- Gus.

- Oh, come in.

I got to talk to you.

Now, here's the thing, Gus.

Listen to me. Hey, Gus, I got a problem.

- You got a problem?

- I got a problem.

I want you to hear this. Hear me out now.

- Archie, I want to ask you one question.

- This is a crisis in my life...

- One question.

- Now, listen to me what I'm telling you.

Do you think...

You think that I'm a selfish guy.

- I don't think you're a selfish guy, and...

- You don't think I'm a selfish guy?

- Here's the thing, Gus.

- You don't know me.

- Gus, you're gonna listen to what I say?

- Want to hear something funny?

I want to tell you what's on my mind, Gus.

- Harry left all this furniture in here.

- I'm not interested in that.

What's his furniture doing here?

I don't know

what his furniture is doing here.

You know that gawky girl

I was out with last night? Mary?

You know, the great big one?

What are you doing

leaning on Harry's furniture?

Gus, I'm crazy about that Chinese girl.

Will you listen to me?

- I'm crazy about the Chinese girl.

- What do you want me to do?

Marry the Chinese girl for you?

I'm crazy about a 6'3" girl.

- I'm in deep trouble, Gus.

- I don't wanna go home!

Emotionally, I am in deep trouble.

Now, listen to me. I am serious now.

Why didn't you tell me in the hallway?

Why do you wait now to tell me?

- Because...

- Why didn't you tell me in the hallway

when we were out in the hallway?

You gave me the cold shoulder.

- You're going in the room by yourself.

- How long I known you, Gus?

- I'm gonna put my...

- We gotta go home.

- I'm gonna put my problems on you...

- We gotta go...

That's right, we gotta go home.

We gotta go home.

There's only one problem. Stop laughing.

I don't wanna go home! You hear me?

- Hey...

- Now, what are we going to do?

- Archie.

- What are we gonna do?

- We got one inside...

- Harry is Harry.

- Right now, Harry...

- We got two lovely wives, you know.

The only problem is to go home,

and make love to them.

- That's it there.

- Got pneumonia.

We got five children between us.

I hope they're individual.

We have two houses.

We got four garages.

We got two cars.

You trying to tell me we're not going home?

We're going home.

The only thing to do is to

play it cool. See?

Understand? Play it cool.

- Play it cool?

- Play it cool.

That's right.

We just go in, and we play it cool.

- You're in love with a Chink.

- And you're in love with a giant.

You got a basketball player,

and I got an Oriental,

- and now we play it cool.

- Let's tell the moon dog.

- Lf he starts to cry...

- I'm freezing to death, I'm telling you.

Cutting him out, that's all. That's all.

- Lf he says one thing...

- That's all!

...right in the kisser!

Go in, tell him goodbye, out, finished,

that's all.

Open the door. Open the door.

Better knock.

Harry, we disturbing you?

- Listen, Harry.

- I must be crazy

- because I have three...

- Harry.

...of the loveliest ladies...

- Harry.

...you have ever seen in your life.

- Harry.

- Harry, Gus and I had a talk.

- Yeah, yeah. What, what, what?

- We're going home!

- We're going home!

- And that's it!

- I know! Think I don't know?

- Let's go inside. Come on.

- Hey!

Come on, come on, just for a little while.

- Harry...

- Just for a little while!

- Gus.

- Listen...

Harry.

Diana. Margaret.

And Margaret and Jacky. Is that right?

- That's right. Hi.

- How do you do?

- This is Archie.

- How are you?

- And this is Gus.

- And how do you do?

- How do you do, Archie?

- How do you do?

They're my best friends.

- How do you do?

- How are you?

- Fine, thank you.

- We're fine. Very fine.

- How are you?

- I'm fine. How are you?

- Good.

- Diana and I were just discussing...

Disgusting?

Discussing how amazing life is.

Tell Gus and Archie how amazing life...

Mag and Jacky and I,

we went into a little tea shop

to get out of the rain.

All steamy, you know?

And we hadn't been in there long

and suddenly this...

This charming man appeared.

And you know how it is.

You sometimes feel something's going on.

You don't necessarily see it,

but you feel it.

And we looked,

and there was a great big Cheshire grin,

just sitting there, alone,

but with this great grin on his face.

Yeah, Harry.

I drink to men, and to Harry.

- You what? I'm sorry, I didn't hear that.

- I drink to men, and to Harry.

- I drink to that.

- What about Gus and Archie?

All right, Gus, of course.

Oh, I beg your pardon. That was Archie.

And Gus.

- Yeah, we had a hell of a time.

- What did you say your name was?

- Diana.

- Diana. Diana what?

- Diana Mallabee.

- Mallabee. I didn't realize that.

Mallabee. Mallabee. A wallaby.

- Are you one of the Mallabees from...

- One of the wallabies?

- You know what a wallaby is?

- Yes, I do.

- It's like a rabbit.

- No, it's not.

- No? What is it? A kangaroo.

- A kind of kangaroo.

Yes, they jump, I believe.

- Yeah, we have them in Port Washington.

- Where?

- Port Washington. That's in Long Island.

- You have wallabies?

- Wallabies. Oh, yeah.

- Must be in a zoo?

- Oh, no, they run wild there.

- I don't believe it.

Oh, yeah, we got...

- Is he going completely nuts?

- Yes.

Also, he's a marvelous singer.

Wonderful voice.

To a what?

- More champagne.

- More champagne.

- That's it. Are you cold?

- No. I'm leaving soon.

Thank you very much.

It was nice meeting you.

- Well, I'm glad you...

- Yeah.

More champagne.

- That's right.

- It was brief, wasn't it?

- I can't win.

- Yeah, we had a good time.

Nice talking to you.

- Harry!

- Yes?

I want to tell you something.

This is something

that I learned a long time ago.

- What?

- Listen to this. It's this.

Come here, one second.

Look.

- Isn't that terrific?

- Gus! Gus! Gus!

Do your cigarette trick! Gussie!

- I will do my cigarette... Can I have a...

- I want Gus to do a cigarette trick.

- Watch the smoke.

- This is unbelievable.

- Watch the smoke.

- This is one of the greatest tricks of all time.

- Right.

- You'll tell your children about this.

- Watch the fingers. Watch the mouth.

- Watch carefully.

- Watch the smoke.

- Don't take your eyes off this.

Watch the Nazi perform...

I adore you, Gus. You're my best friend.

- You're mine.

- And you're my best friend.

- You're out of line.

- He's my second best friend.

- You're out of line.

- Don't get mad. I just can't...

- I'm not mad, Harry.

- Don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad at you.

I'm telling you you're out of line.

- Now, don't put me on the spot like this.

- Why is he out of line?

- Why is he out of line?

- Right.

What are you, a total moron?

We're married.

Archie and I have five children between us.

We have two wives, not between us.

But we have two wives.

- And he has...

- I have three children.

I needed this bad.

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