I-See-You.Com Page #3

the whole goddamn school

knows, you a**hole!

Chill.

Nobody cares.

Besides, I never told Nancy.

You told your little freak

friend here, didn't you?

I'm the freak

friend.

Randi, did I ever

tell you

Audrey and I had

drunken, messy,

and not-that-impressive

silly sex

in a momentary lapse

of judgment last year

in a bathroom stall?

[WHINES]

Mm?

Sorry.

Guess I did.

Must have slipped.

God!

What's the big deal?

Oh, hey now! Come on!

Whoa.

How much do you like

your toy here, Colby,

you a**hole loser?

Look-- Heh.

Come on now, Audrey.

That cost nearly 5 grand.

You heard what

your dad said!

Promise me you'll deny

anything ever happened.

COLBY:

Okay, okay!

Say it! Say "I promise."

I promise. I'll

deny ever having

uninteresting,

lame sex with you. Oh--

If you don't deny this,

you are one dead a**hole!

Audrey, who's gonna

believe you two ever had sex?

Really?

Rumors, that's it.

Say "I'm a loser."

You're a loser.

[GASPS]

Okay. Okay.

I'm a loser.

Now say, "I'm the biggest

loser in school,

and I have a little

limp dick."

Well, you know firsthand,

or mouth, that's a total lie.

Okay. Okay.

I'm the biggest

loser in school,

and I have

a little dick.

Louder! And it's

"little limp dick."

I'm the biggest loser in school,

and I have a limp little dick.

Now can I have

my computer?

Mm.

Sure.

Oops. Must have slipped.

Oh!

[COMPUTER CRUNCHES]

You b*tch!

[AUDREY SHRIEKS]

Get

back here.

Come here.

AUDREY:
Oh, my God.

RANDI:

Colby! Stop.

No! Ow!

RANDI:

Come on, let her go.

Ahh!

[GROANS]

I got your limp dick.

RANDI:

Colby! Come on.

Get off me. Get off.

Oh, my God! What

have you done to her hair?

His psycho daughter

decimated my laptop.

Daddy, it was an accident.

I didn't mean to.

Oh, well. It seems to

run in the family.

HARVEY:

Hold tight, hon.

Mom, it was deliberate.

She did it on purpose.

HARVEY:

Is this true?

[MOANS]

Daddy, I didn't

mean to.

You f***ing liar!

Hey, watch

your tongue!

That's it. Go

into your room.

Randi,

time to go home.

Grab

some ice.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SIGHS]

You all right?

[]

[GIRLS MOANING, LAUGHING

ON COMPUTER]

[GIRL SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

GIRL:

Ah!

[SQUEALING, LAUGHING]

Love it!

Oh! Ah!

Ah

[KEYS CLACKING]

Da-da-da, da, da

Da, da

Da-da-da-da

Da

Da-da-da, da, da, da, da

[BRAKES SCREECH]

Da-da-da-da

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SCANNER BEEPING]

[G TOM MAC'S "I SEE YOU"

PLAYING]

Watch you, watch me

See you through my naked eye

Watch the future

Turn up your TV

Look at what

You've never seen

There are no limits

To the modern spy

If you want to be

My future star

[DRILL WHIRRING]

All you've got to do

Is open up your windows

Up to mine

Every day is prime time

Never mind your cable days

They're so over

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Take a look around

There's the future

Goin' down

Am I gonna

Change the world?

I don't think so today

Ooh-wah today

I see you...

WOMAN:

I knew this day would come.

I see the way you people live.

There's something

systematically wrong

with your entire generation.

Consume, consume.

Spend, spend.

You have always lived

beyond your means.

It's been your problem

your whole life.

Doris, I think you're

being a little unfair here.

I'll get to you

in a second.

This is

the most pampered,

self-indulgent era

in history.

Now look where

it's gotten you.

COLBY:
How about

SeeMySister'sSkankyAss.com?

[KEYS CLACKING]

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Taken.

RANDI:

Try SeeMySister'sAss.com.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

It's taken.

Every possible combination

of words is friggin' taken.

My naked sister

and her lesbian friends.

[COLBY TYPING]

It's too long.

Yeah, but what

a grabber, huh?

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Colby, do you, um--

Do you think I'm pretty?

Ahh, umm...

Yeah, I'd say

you're pretty smart.

And I'd take smart over pretty

any day of the week.

So...

"My Sister's Naked Ass."

So, how much

should we charge?

I was thinking a buck a hit

or something.

I mean, no one takes you

seriously

unless you charge 'em.

Hm. Wait.

What about "I See You"?

I like that one.

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

Taken.

Wait. Why don't

you try, um--

Try it with hyphens.

Like, "I-hypen-See-

hypen-You"?

[COMPUTER BEEPS]

You're a genius.

I love you.

Get out of here.

You had no idea this was

going on right under your nose?

Nope.

Now, let me

get this straight now.

Your voyeur stepson...

plants a camera

in his sister's room.

Then broadcasts it

over the Internet,

so that strangers

and perverts

can watch her undress?

Well, yeah.

HARVEY:
Listen, we were

way ahead of the curve.

Survivor, the Simple Life,

Joe Millionaire, Big Brother.

Even My Big, Fat,

Obnoxious Fianc.

All these shows proved that

manufactured reality sells.

But you deliver the real deal,

you throw some skin in.

Hey, there's a lot of regular

guys like you and me

that'll pay cash to see

that sort of train wreck.

Not just freaks.

See, I think...

it's the-- The stark reality.

The fact that she did not

know anybody was watching.

See, that's what made it

so enticing.

No, no. I'll tell you

what made it so enticing.

The stark nakedness

of your daughter.

[]

That too.

Two-dollar peepshow.

It's unbelievable.

Well, it started out as a dollar

peepshow, but not for long.

Within a couple of months,

Colby not only got his revenge,

but a little windfall going.

He was making more money

than I was selling cars.

[BUZZING]

["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]

Dashing through the snow

In a one-horse open sleigh

Oh, we may have to

use this paper again next year.

We're laughing all the way

Bells on bob tails ring

Killer Piranhas?

It Lives,

part one, part two!

Oh, Lydia.

Where did you

find these?

Amazon.com.

The Net's

an amazing thing.

Thank you.

I love you.

LYDIA:

Mm. I love you.

Okay, then.

Oh, what fun it is...

To Audrey from Colby.

Jingle bells, jingle bells

Jingle all the way

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh

Batteries?

Yeah. You know,

for your toys?

Oh, you have

toys?

What sort of

toys, hon?

Well, let's see. She's got

the Spiky Salamander,

the Dura-Dong

Deep Drone...

[GASPS]

What?

Little prick!

Audrey.

Colby, what's

with you?

Yeah, what's this

all about?

Why can't you two

get along?

I know. It's like there's some

sexual tension or something.

[WOMEN GASP]

LYDIA:

Colby, you didn't.

What?

Colby!

Hey. It's a joke, Mom.

It's a joke.

A joke?

RANDI:
Ha. Damn, things are

never that interesting over here.

Well, how'd they take it?

Yeah. I don't know if they

bought the whole "joke" thing.

[LAUGHS]

It's like a regular soap opera.

I swear, you should put

cameras in every room.

Yeah, right.

A camera in every room?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hey.

[G TOM MAC'S "I SEE YOU"

PLAYING]

I see you

I see you

[BEEP]

Watch you watch me

See you through my naked eye

Watch the picture

Turn off your TV

Look at what

You've never seen

There are no limits

To the modern spy

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