I-See-You.Com Page #5

Besides, Colby

may have a point.

We, uh-- We just

ride it out.

When everyone gets bored,

take the money and run.

It's not gonna

last long anyway.

It never does.

What's the worst

that can happen?

So, Insytive flew

Randi and Colby

to New York

during spring break.

Uh, they closed the deal.

Colby, of course,

lied about his age.

So how'd you convince

your leading lady

to keep up the show?

Lydia?

[LAUGHS]

She's an actor. Come on.

Your daughter.

Ooh.

Misgivings about that one.

Not my proudest

moment as a father.

Let's just

say we...

met her terms

and conditions.

[BEEPING]

Uh...

Hey, asswipe.

[SIGHS]

Hm?

Guess who got her

bandages off today?

[]

Sweet mother of Moses.

They're ginormous.

Ow.

In your freaking

dreams, loser.

Is that post-surgical swelling,

or the way they--

[OPENS SODA CAN]

Or the way they...

Not bad.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[]

Honey. I'm home!

Hello, darling.

Daddy!

How was

your day?

Just swell.

Mm.

Daddy!

How's my little princess?

Colby, my son. I see you're

back from your spring break.

Wh-- Huh?

COLBY:

We got a problem.

RANDI:

I know. I've been watching.

What the hell happened?

Did some aliens come down

and suck their brains

out of their a**holes?

Look at 'em. They look like

a bad sitcom out of the '50s.

RANDI:
We haven't had a

new hit in 52 minutes.

Its dropping our average

through the floor.

You've gotta come up

with something fast.

Mm.

[SIGHS]

HARVEY:
See, I like

this university.

More than 200 clubs

and organizations.

And they have beaches

in Malibu. Madeleine?

Don't mind

if I do.

Colby, my brother.

There you are.

Is something wrong?

Why the long face?

I don't know,

Audrey?

Maybe it's your new...

boob job.

You should massage them

before they harden. Oh.

What are you doing,

d*ckhead?

[ALL SCREAMING, YELLING]

Stop it!

Get your hands

off her.

Remember this sound,

Harvey?

What are you

talking about?

Everything's going along

as smooth as silk.

Let me just read you

a few things

I pulled down

off the Web.

"What used to be

an inside, edgy,

"sometimes erotic

look at real Americana,

has ebbed into a pretentious,

manufactured embarrassment."

Ph, what's it

say about me?

Hm, I got

that one.

Want some chat room

dialogue?

Oh, here it is:

"The Bellinger B*tch Project."

"Headliner Audrey

used to be my constant

"chicken-choking companion.

"What's with the turtle necks

and the bathrobes?

How come no one uses

the bathroom anymore?" Freaks.

[]

LYDIA:

Yo, what is this?

These are show bibles.

COLBY:

Look, it's all very simple.

We need to take drastic steps.

These bibles outline

our characters,

complete with back stories,

foibles and new story lines.

Now, people want real,

but above all, they want drama.

Conflict equals drama.

Drama equals hits.

Hits equal eyeballs,

which equals...

Money.

Listen, everybody. We're flat.

No sizzle. Boring.

If we don't do something

and do it, like, right now,

our entire Insytive deal

is gonna go up in smoke.

You know, they have the 2 mil

in licensing fees alone.

Bondage?

Forget this.

This is ridiculous.

I would never do this

to your Mom.

With a dog?

RANDI:
Well, we're gonna

close out the quarter soft.

You know we got 14K

from FreshPasta.com.

Another 10K from

Bouquet of Fruits.

And, you know, twenty-six thou

from, uh, Popeye's Chicken.

But Adam Brothers

wants to renegotiate

because of our numbers.

I know we can turn

this around.

We just got to keep

amping up the stakes.

They'll come back,

like flies to sh*t.

[SIGHS]

Hello?

Did you hear me?

Uh, yeah. Yeah.

What?

You having doubts?

No. No, it's not that.

It's just that-- You--

It's just that we never

have time to, like--

You know, just be with

each other anymore alone.

I mean--

I mean, we have--

We've been, like, together,

for months and

everything. It--

Oh, my God.

Okay. Well, you don't have to

freak out about it.

No. No.

Look at the site!

Look at the site!

What?

HARVEY:
Ouch. What the

f*** are you doing? Ow.

Shut up and bark

like a dog.

[TIMID BARKING]

Ow.

Bark!

[BARKING]

Bark!

[C*CKS GUN]

Now, put on

the mask.

Oh. For God's sake.

Put it on!

RANDI:

Shouldn't we do something?

I mean, shouldn't we

call the cops?

What? And ruin

this scene?

She's got a gun

for crying out loud.

This is great.

HARVEY:
Go on, do what

you have to do, sh*t. Ow!

A real revolver?

I might have paid to have

seen you in that situation.

Thanks. Unfortunately for you

and the rest of the world,

the damage was done.

And we had lost

so many hitters,

that virtually no one

saw the gag anyway.

I saw it.

He was just like

the gimp in Pulp Fiction.

Look, guys.

This isn't working.

No, AC Nielsen,

Media Metrix.

These are

the lowest numbers

since you had

a one-camera peepshow

with little

Miss Tool Time.

You're just gonna pull the plug

at the first sign of trouble?

[SCOFFS]

Look.

I can appreciate

your enthusiasm.

But we've spent

a lot of money on you.

And we're now going to

cut our losses.

Well, naturally,

you will give us

the three weeks

we need

to "cure" the problem.

If you'll indulge me

for a minute.

Paragraph 34,

double I.

"In the event of defect or

default by the 'Producers'--

"that would be us

--the 'Company'--

that would be you

"shall give 'Producers'--

us again

"--twenty-one working days

to cure

such defect

or...default."

What--?

That's-- It's, uh,

standard, boilerplate.

I believe it also states

in that section

that in the event...

the default

or defect is not cured...

then "Producers--"

that would be you

--are financially liable

to the "Company."

That would be us.

We'll take that risk.

HARVEY:

We'll take that risk?

COLBY:
Uh, yeah.

That's what we told 'em.

Three weeks? Are you guys

f***ing nuts?

Who do you think's

gonna go to jail

when we can't make good

on the money?

You, probably.

I'm, uh, still a minor.

Heh. Well, you're no longer

in charge of anything.

See, this is what we get

for listening to

your scam-artist son

and his crazy-ass

bondage ideas.

Yeah, well, it was

a hell of a lot better

than your lame-o '50s sitcom

shtick, Ward Cleaver.

If you had been paying

more attention

to June and the Beaver, none

of us would be in this mess.

Colby. Heh. See. I told you

we weren't having enough sex.

Everybody seems to know it.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh. Sure, that's your answer

to everything, isn't it, Lydia?

Why, you little silicone

hypocrite.

You mean saline,

you liposuction has-been.

HARVEY:

That's enough!

I will not have you

speak to us this way,

while you live

under my roof.

If it weren't

for me,

we'd all be living

under your mother's roof.

Stop, okay.

The bottom line is sex sells.

Seventy-three percent

of Internet users hit sites

which involve

sex or nudity.

According to

these stats...

Audrey's b*obs are

our greatest draw.

You know, she gets 48 percent

of the total hit-ship. Hm.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes