I-See-You.Com Page #6

Hm.

I want a raise.

You already have two.

COLBY:

Look. Bottom line.

We're not cutting it.

We need some new blood,

a new character.

Maybe a professional.

I don't know.

Maybe, uh, Inga,

the Swedish housekeeper?

Oh. I'm sure you'd love to live

that adolescent,

clich fantasy, dickweed.

Well, if I do, so does

every other adolescent.

Let's not forget our target

audience:
16-to-24 male.

No, no, no, no, no.

We got the cheesecake,

we need the beefcake.

Female 18-to-34

is way down.

And who can blame them?

I mean, all they got to look at

is a middle-age fart

and a scrawny geek.

We need a hunk.

Mm.

Yes. Like a gorgeous,

ripped Latin pool boy

with six-pack abs

and a tight ass

you could bounce

quarters off of.

Ooh. How about

Antonio Sabato Jr.?

I don't know. The pool boy

thing's been done to death.

It's too familiar.

Feels, uh...

manufactured.

RANDI:
What about a foreign

exchange student? Comic relief?

A young Antonio Banderas.

Umm...maybe. Uh--

No, we could hire

a pro. An actor.

COLBY:

No. No, no, no. Too dangerous.

If anybody ever found out,

we'd be ruined.

Speaking of which, we should

burn those story bibles.

We can't use a real

exchange student.

It would be way

too unpredictable.

Welcome to Chart House.

Uh-- Uh.

"Kiro."

Ciro.

Oh. Oh, sorry.

Ch-- Cheerio.

Uh-- Ciro.

ALL:

Ciro.

Okay. Ahem.

[COMPUTER BEEPING]

Next week, log on

as the Bellingers

get a new addition

to the family.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[]

[SIGHS]

Oh, my.

Well, you must be

Ciro.

Si.

I'm Lydia.

Oh.

Won't you come in?

[]

Everybody...Ciro

from Italy is here.

[GIGGLES]

This is my husband, Harvey.

Benvenuto.

Signore Harvey.

And this is--

Audrey.

So mice to neat you.

Ah-- N-nice. So nice

t-to meet you.

A-and this

is Colby, our son.

Hey.

Hey, let me

give you a hand there.

I'll show you where you're

staying. This way.

Oh. G-- Grazie.

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

COLBY [WHISPERING]:

Psst. Hey, guys.

Hey.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

Psst.

HARVEY:
Welcome to

your new home, Cheerio.

Got the bathroom

over there,

closet, nice, comfortable

bed for you.

Ciao.

Ciao.

[BEEPS]

COLBY:

How's he doing?

AUDREY:

He's just sitting there.

COLBY:

Heh.

So...are we

looking good?

No, we're dying.

LYDIA:
Poor man. He's

scared out of his mind.

HARVEY:
Either that or

he's a stultified moron.

RANDI:
We shouldn't have

told him about the cameras.

Ah, sh*t. We should have

a hired a pro.

We gotta do something.

Ah. This is ridiculous.

[SIGHS]

Wait a sec. What

are you doing? Mm.

[SIGHS]

I am putting our business

investments to work.

Your business investments?

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Okay.

What?

What is she doing?

You heard her.

She's putting our business

investments to work.

[]

Avanti.

[SIGHS]

Hi.

[SIGHS]

I thought you might be thirsty.

You know? After that...

long trip of yours from...

From Vienna?

V--

A-actually, Vienna

is in Austria.

I'm from Italy.

From Venice, Italy.

Of course you are.

[GASPS]

[EXHALES]

Oops.

Oops.

I keep a few of

my extra clothes in here.

[SIGHS]

I hope you don't mind.

Mind?

Go, Audrey.

What is my baby girl doing?

Can danger come out

to play?

I need a little

danger in my life.

I'm horny, Harvey.

[SIGHS]

Lydia...not now.

Sure.

Why should this week be

different from any other?

[GROANING]

I'm sorry, hon.

I'm just a little...

preoccupied.

Do tell.

[CAMERA BEEPS]

[HARVEY SIGHS]

I'm kind of worried

about Audrey.

She seems a little

too interested in Ciro,

if you know what I mean?

[HANGERS RATTLING]

I don't know.

Am I being silly?

[SIGHS]

Not at all.

He's a handsome...

ripped young man.

It's only natural for a woman

to be attracted to him.

Girl. You said "woman,"

and Audrey's still a girl.

Right.

Do you think, uh...

he's, you know,

uh...?

Circumcised?

Interested in Audrey?

Nah.

I'm sure he hasn't even

looked twice at her.

Oh, well, maybe if you could,

uh, I don't know,

divert his attention

from her.

No way.

I'm not suggesting

you do anything

but flirt with

the guy a little.

Just to get his mind

off Audrey.

[BEEPS]

[WHISPERS] It'd be

great for the ratings.

GIRL [ON PHONE]:

Ah, you are so lucky.

He's a man. Not some pencil

prick in high school.

Damn. Oh.

Is he really hot?

You should see his ass.

I could just take

a bite out of it.

He sounds so hot.

Mm.

[KATIE MARINO'S "LEAVE

MY MAN ALONE" PLAYING]

Ooh, girl, leave

My man alone...

AUDREY:

That b*tch!

She's trying to move in

on my exchange student.

I gotta go, Nance.

I'm not likin' what I'm seein'

In this little game...

Was I good or what?

How are the numbers?

COLBY:

Cha-ching.

We're back. Mom

and Audrey are, like,

really getting

into this Ciro guy.

Do all Italian men

have muscles like this?

[BOTH GIGGLING]

Excuse me. Lydia?

Can I talk to you?

Audrey, your--

Your surgeon called.

He-- He wanted to check

on your fake b*obs.

[AUDREY GASPING]

Ahh!

Will you excuse us, please?

I need to talk to her.

Ciro, if you change your mind

about that massage,

I have great hands.

Maybe he could take

a rain check.

Lydia's got a doctor's

appointment.

No, I don't.

Heh. You know,

your estrogen injection

and that nasty

yeast infection.

[GASPS]

Walk around like you

Own the play

[IN ITALIAN]

And I'm likin' what I'm seein'

in this little game you do

It's obvious

You're my man

You can't have him

You better leave my man

Alone. Alone. Alone.

Alone

You're my man...

HARVEY:

Ciro's initial stage fright

quickly became the least

of our problems.

How's that?

Somewhere along the line,

things really got

out of control.

We, uh...

We became these characters,

caricatures.

I basically pushed Lydia

into Ciro's arms...

and she locked onto that...

like a laser beam.

Unfortunately...

so did Audrey.

[]

Oh, my goodness.

Ciro...can I help you

find something?

Perfetto.

No, no. I'm okay. Thank you.

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

Have you ever had

Agnolotti all'Aragosta?

No. But it sounds

delicious.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Oh. I cannot cook

or make love in shoes.

Hm.

Hm.

I grew up in the shadow

of Mount Etna.

I thought you grew up

in Venice.

Oh, yes, but I had

family in Sicilia.

I would-- I would

visit in summer.

Cooking is like

a religion in my family.

It's what I love

to do the most.

I love to

cook also. Heh.

Ah, but for Italians...

cooking is

an emotional experience.

Like making love.

The heat, the fire,

the passion,

the waiting for the right

moment, and then--

And then the climax.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHS]

[BLOWS]

[SQUEALS, LAUGHS]

And cooking is play.

Play, love and art.

[BLOWS]

Oh.

Lydia.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Come. You help me.

Okay.

Here's the flour.

The flour...is the body.

Mm-hm.

The earth. Ah.

From which all things

begin and end.

See?

Now, Lydia...

here comes the source

of life and energy.

Now...

pour it in the womb.

See?

[SPEAKS ITALIAN]

[MOANING]

Mm.

Mm.

Huh? Mm.

Lydia! What are

you doing?!

Coming-- Cooking.

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