I Feel Pretty Page #5

you know how this works,

and I'm just

the beautiful face

keeping this place running.

So...

I think we'd all like to hear

what you'd have to say, Renee.

Well...

Well, with high-end products,

we expect our customers

to have high-end

makeup brushes.

But regular girls

put their blush on

in the rearview,

on the way

to their crappy jobs.

And they're going to be pissed

when they open an $8.50 blush,

and they have

no way they can use it.

Then you just wind up

using your finger.

You know,

it never goes on right.

Then you hit a bump,

or you have an itch

and you wind up

looking like Braveheart.

Or some more

up-to-date reference.

That was very helpful, Renee.

Really?

Okay, great.

If anybody needs anything,

any water or anything,

just give me a signal.

The signal will

just be something like,

"Renee, we could use

some more water."

Or something, you know...

(QUIETLY)

"Thirsty, more water."

Thank you.

(INHALES)

(LINE RINGING)

-ETHAN:
Hello?

- Hi, Ethan.

Um...

I know calling

a new love interest

can be stressful,

so I just wanted

to take that pressure off you.

You know, you wonder like,

"How long

should I wait to call?"

Or, "Is she too good for me?"

Blah, blah, blah.

(CHUCKLES)

But, uh, I'm just gonna

take all the heavy lifting

off of you

and let you know

that you are taking me out.

ETHAN:
Who is this again?

Oh, yeah,

Renee from the dry cleaner.

RENEE:
Aren't you glad

we're doing this?

I'm pretty scared of you,

so I was a little afraid

to not do this.

Right.

So what do you do?

Uh... I'm at CNN,

working in operations.

It's not what I want to do.

I'm trying to segue

- into being a cameraman...

- Oh.

But it's sort of

a boys' club over there.

- So I can't just...

- (LAUGHING)

What?

Well, only girls complain

about things

being a boys' club.

Yes, good point,

but I mean it's like

a different breed

of, like, boys' club.

Like tattoos,

C-class driver's licenses.

I'm sure you're just

in your head about it.

They call me "Wheat Thin."

Because of "Ethan."

That's clever.

"Wheat Thin-Ethan."

That is it!

Hot dog.

Wheat Thin-Ethan.

That's not even as bad

as what I thought they meant.

No, I mean, I used to be

where you are right now.

I was working in this

tiny office, like tiny.

And I never thought

I'd make it to 5th Avenue.

But, I mean, look at me now.

I'm a receptionist.

(CHUCKLES) I haven't

said that out loud yet.

I, Renee, am a receptionist.

Oh, that was my hot dog.

You ate both of them.

Ooh, a bikini contest!

We're going!

You sure this is

where you want to be?

There's a bar

just down the thing,

they're doing

Latin rhythms night.

Oh, we should hit that next.

Yeah. Or sooner.

Right here.

Anybody sitting here? No?

You sure no one's

sitting here?

Yeah, it's, like, starting.

You know, I'm cool with this.

As long as you're

comfortable sitting here

while these women

are kind of naked.

Kind of? They look great.

What are you doing?

Well, I don't have

a bathing suit,

so I have to improvise.

Kind of hotter

than a bathing suit,

because it's, like,

unexpected,

and you can, like,

see most of my butt.

Wait, are you entering

the bikini contest?

- Yeah!

- No!

It's 500 bucks to the winner.

Did you see the sign?

Yeah, but I think

that you probably

had to pre-register online,

and then there's

also the issue

of the non-regulation bikini.

Honestly,

that Latin rhythms night...

It'll be more fun.

Oh, wait,

I see what's going on.

You're worried that the guys

are going to be drooling

all over me.

- Uh-uh.

- Oh, my God, that's so sweet.

But don't worry, okay?

I'm here with you.

I came with you

and I'm leaving with you.

But I do need your help

with something.

Now, what do you think?

Shoe on or shoe off?

- This is off.

- Right.

This is me with it on.

Does it say, like, "Barefoot

hippie, she doesn't care..."

Honestly,

at the end of the day,

I don't know

if it's gonna have

a dramatic effect either way,

so I would go shoes on

because the carpet

is disgusting.

Okay, cool. Wish me luck.

- Good luck. Yeah.

- I got this.

So scared.

Welcome to the semi-annual

Ruby's Bangin' Bikini Contest.

We're going to start it out,

and do it proud.

Here she comes everybody,

let's bring out our girls.

Lacey J.

She's pursuing her certificate

in heating

and cooling maintenance.

Fire and ice, she sure is!

Is there a doctor

in the house? No!

But there is

a dental assistant

and her name is Tiffany!

Look at that!

Oh! Whoa!

Work it out, honey!

Watch out, guys,

it's about to heat up!

Because here comes Vanessa!

Our Vanessa here has been

to 11 of our United States.

So give it up for Vanessa!

Oh, we've got

a late entry here.

I hope her buns are tighter

than this penmanship

'cause this is really

hard to read.

But keep it going

for Renee Bennett?

Renee Bennett.

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

Whoa, are you here

for the barback job?

You're in the contest? Okay.

- I got it. I got it.

- You got it? Okay.

Hello, everyone, I am Renee!

As advertised!

Renee hails

from the Long Island,

and she is a receptionist.

Holler!

Um, Renee enjoys

watching people

trying to cover up

their disappointment

from their dreams being

shattered on shows such as

Antiques Roadshow

Shark Tank.

And Renee is not afraid

of returning things

for store credit!

(CHEERING)

Renee was kicked out not once,

but twice from

a New Kids

on the Block concert

for crying too hard.

(CHEERING)

Joey! Am I right? Joey!

MAN:
Marry me!

And although you ladies all

seem super chill,

I did not come here

- to make friends. Okay?

- (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

DJ, hit it!

(MIC FEEDBACK)

(UPBEAT SONG PLAYING)

(CHEERING)

(CHEERS)

(AUDIENCE SCREAMS)

(MOUTHING)

(CHEERING)

- (MUSIC STOPS)

- (LOUD CHEERING)

And now it's time

to tally the votes.

Are you guys ready?

(CHEERING)

The winner of this year's

Ruby's Bangin' Bikini Contest,

Lacey J. from New Brunswick,

New Jersey! Lacey!

(CHEERING)

Take a lap! Come on, Lacey!

Beautiful!

Don't worry, Romeo,

she'll be right out.

Yeah, I didn't know

if they go backstage.

Is there a backstage here?

Yeah, it usually leads

to a rehab.

But that Renee?

That's your girl, right?

- Uh... Friend for now.

- Friend?

Just friend, this is

our first kind of night out.

All right, I didn't ask

for a podcast.

Either way, your lady

killed it tonight.

She is awesome.

She is the complete package.

Yeah, I'm getting

to know that.

Um, I've never seen

anything like that.

Now the girl who won,

who happens to be

my god-niece,

of course, she was hotter.

But let's say this,

it's a lonely dark night,

you got a flat.

Who do you want next to you?

Your girl. Yeah.

Your girl can handle herself

in a knife fight,

and I like that.

Dude, up here.

Uh, thank you.

Tonight's your night,

good luck.

(LAUGHING)

- Hey, that was so great.

- Hi.

Sorry, I got you all wet.

Oh, yeah, that's water, right?

Yeah, I think it's water.

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