I Give It a Year Page #5

---

(all laughing)

Because it's all metal. (laughing)

He's so funny, your husband.

You've got a good one there.

(Nat) Thanks, that's sweet.

(speaking Japanese)

Why don't you, um, go and mingle?

There's a band upstairs.

No, I think I'm gonna stay here.

But you go, mingle, enjoy yourself.

Are you staying here because you think

you have a good joke about that photo?

What?

You are!

You're staying here so you can

say that joke about the photo.

It's a good joke.

I actually have a couple.

Wouldn't want to be behind him

going through airport security.

(all laughing)

At least, if you went out with him,

you'd always have a little place

to hang your coat.

(all laughing)

I'm Josh Moss. Nice to meet you.

- Hi.

- Ooh! She's gone.

You could put your keys on there,

couldn't you? (chuckles)

(Jane) I think that's just what happens

when you sleep next to an open sewer.

Had amoebic dysentery. Twice.

In Rwanda at one point,

I was actually defecating pieces of my colon.

(soft Indian music playing)

(dance music thrumming)

Miss Redfearn.

Guy!

Lovely to see you. I er...

I didn't realise you were here.

You know, it's actually good that I ran into you

because I was thinking about

some of those community outreach...

Could we take one night off from talking shop?

Am I allowed to say you're looking incredible?

Technically, no. (chuckles)

That would constitute sexual harassment.

You're right. The rules and regulations

on that are very strict these days.

I actually have a copy of the Sexual

Discrimination Act 2007 in my hotel room

if you'd like to come back and peruse it.

(laughs)

Although Christmas parties don't really count.

They're an opportunity to tell the person

you've had a secret crush on all year

how you really feel about them.

Aren't they?

Are they?

Of course.

I think protocol and decorum

go right out the window.

I mean, look at that guy.

That is embarrassing.

Who is he?

Leave him alone, he's just had a few.

Hang on.

He's attempting the Beyonc booty shake.

Either that or he's being

sodomised by the Invisible Man.

Oh, he's just had a few too many cocktails.

He's wasted.

- Having a good time.

- Yeah, sure is.

(Josh) Oi, oi!

Hold on.

Look out, here comes twinkle toes.

He's making a beeline.

I got your back,

I'll just say I'm your boyfriend.

- No, you don't have to do that.

- It's fine.

This party's amazing. So much fun.

Guy Harrap. Pleased to meet you.

Oh! The solvents guy!

How are you? Nice to meet you.

He's so handsome, isn't he?

(Josh growling)

Whoo!

- (glass shattering)

- Bollocks.

Sorry.

Come on!

Is that...

Yeah, I suppose that's what

office parties are for, huh?

That's hilarious!

Free booze and a chance

to make out with the boss.

Well, I'm technically self-employed,

so I'll just have to settle for

a can of Budweiser and a wank.

Charming.

Can I ask the sexiest woman in the room

for a dance?

Listen, I...

We're actually talking business.

So, maybe later.

- ( Bonkers by Dizzee Rascal)

- Wait, they're playing your song.

Shouldn't you be busting a move?

(howls)

You almost have to admire him

for giving it a go.

You owe me one.

How about we make our excuses?

I have a table on hold at Nobu.

No, I can't, I've a...

I should go.

I think I need some fresh air.

Sure.

Hang on, I'm swapping hands.

So, you had an extra naan

and two glasses of wine,

so you owe an extra four pounds.

Drew... (clicks tongue)

...you had the mango lassi,

so that's an extra three pounds.

I swear, the mass graves in Mogadishu

weren't as awful as this.

Do you want to bail?

(Jane) Did you have the chicken jalfrezi?

I want to stay. It's fun.

No, I've said hello to everybody I need to.

It's just gonna get messy

and it's no fun being a spectator.

(man) I wouldn't like to be stood

behind him at airport security.

- (people laughing)

- That was my joke! He stole it!

He's taking credit for my humour.

Should I say something?

Jesus, Josh!

When did you turn into such a prat?

Stay. Dance like a f***ing idiot,

tell your stupid jokes. I'm going home.

(man) That hoop in his ear,

he could hang his house keys on it.

(people laughing)

God, you are so sexy.

(chuckles)

(whispering) You're so sexy.

Thanks.

(Charlie moaning)

Hey, that's it, honey, slide in,

room for one more. Huh?

Hey, Alexandra.

You look really nice.

Different from work.

Do you two want to have a little hello kiss?

- Um, hello.

- That's it.

Hi.

Mmm, that's it.

Did you guys like that dinner tonight?

Did you go for the rice or the naan?

I went for the naan.

(Charlie) Yeah? Mmm!

You are so naughty.

- Why are you so naughty?

- (giggling)

I don't know, Charlie, why is that?

Did your mom smoke during her pregnancy?

Oh, okay.

All right.

That's it. Yeah, I like that.

Threesome.

We're going to have a threesome.

We're having a threesome.

Let's go.

- Chloe's climbing aboard.

- That's it.

Here we go. Oh, yeah.

Oh! Oh, yeah.

Chloe's on top now.

The cherry on top.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Now she's on the bottom.

Chloe loves being on bottom.

Oh, yes.

Yes, squeeze my breast.

That feels amazing.

No para, Charlie.

Yeah, Charlie,

I can speak another language as well.

Me Ilamo Chloe, Charlie.

Yo tengo un hermano!

(both moaning)

- That's it.

- Okay.

Okay. Yeah, that's it.

Chloe's in the middle now.

Okay.

- Oh, yes. It feels amazing, doesn't it?

- (Charlie moaning agreement)

Feels so good.

(Charlie moaning)

God, you're strong, Alexandra.

Yes.

- (Alexandra squeals)

- (Chloe groans)

Down here again.

Oh, yeah, put your fingers in my mouth.

I love that.

Especially after Indian. It's amazing.

Excuse me.

Excuse me. No!

All right. Enough!

I am leaving!

You people, you're sick!

(moaning)

I actually forgot my skirt.

I'm sorry.

Okay, thanks. Thanks, everybody.

And FYI, you both still have your underwear on.

(exclaiming in Portuguese)

(door closing)

(mobile chimes)

(on message) Hey, it's Chloe.

I really need to speak to you.

(door buzzing)

- (Chloe) Hey.

- Hi, it's me.

I demand you let me in. I've got coffee

and a bag of those little sweets you like

that look like mini fried eggs.

(door buzzing)

It was humiliating, degrading.

(sighs)

I don't even know how I got myself

into that position.

I am not a threesome person.

I don't know what bits to touch when.

Listen, f*** him.

If he doesn't realise how amazing you are,

then he's an idiot.

- He doesn't deserve you.

- Yeah, right.

I mean, look at me.

I'm in a rented flat

wearing a SpongeBob SquarePants dressing gown,

eating a mixture of animal fat and sugar

made to look like a fried egg.

I'm 32 years old.

Yeah, and you've spent

your whole life doing things

which make everybody else

look shallow, trivial and pointless.

I think it's slightly more important

to be able to limit

the spread of an epidemic

than know how to conduct yourself

in a threesome.

You do?

I mean, for the purposes

of this conversation, sure.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes