I Give It a Year Page #6

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Honestly, I just want someone

to look after me for a change.

Well, I'll look after you.

You can't.

You've already got someone to look after.

(sighs)

Listen, I'm completely all right.

I promise not to end it all.

I don't even own a razor. I wax.

I think it's pretty hard

to wax yourself to death.

(chuckles)

You can leave. I'm okay.

No, it's all right.

I'm putting off my Christmas shopping.

I'm trying to figure out what to buy Nat.

What does she like?

I've no idea.

- I was thinking casserole dishes, maybe.

- (groans)

I simply cannot let you get your new wife

- casserole dishes for Christmas.

- Why?

(laughs) I mean...

- Let me help you out.

- A griddle pan.

- No!

- A set of knives.

Enough. I'm gonna go and get changed.

(sighs)

Thanks, Josh.

Ah, it's all right.

Excuse me. Thank you.

- Hey.

- Hello.

- You okay?

- Mmm-hmm. Can I ask...

why we're meeting in your hotel?

You do know I'm not going

up to your room, don't you?

Oh! No, of course not. Purely business.

No sexual tension whatsoever.

No undercurrent of erotic electricity

between two ludicrously attractive

single people.

None. Absolutely not.

Good.

It's your time you're paying for.

So, we need to lock down a date for the website.

It's just there are some tiny kittens

up in my room

playing adorably with a ball of wool.

- If you're interested.

- Cat faeces makes you go blind.

- I'm not going to your room.

- Okay. You win.

We'll work and completely ignore the

palpable sizzle of sensual possibility

every time our bodies accidentally touch.

I've booked a boardroom down the hall.

Shall we?

Yeah, basically, I'm looking

for something for my wife.

You know, pair of pants

and a brassiere, perhaps.

Something that's long-lasting

and practical.

Goodness, is that man-made fibre?

Or is it, um, natural?

Or is it a mixture of the two?

Because that's often the way these days.

Helps with, um, durability and so on.

I mean, that's a lovely bit of kit.

Look at that.

That's a formidable gusset.

You could not break that.

- Were you looking for a panty?

- Christ. Am I...

(burbles)

A panty.

Uh... (mumbling)

He has trouble with the word "panty", I think.

No, I don't. "Panty."

I'm looking for a panty, mon chri.

A portion of your finest panties, milord.

Right.

Um, perhaps I should just ask you.

After all, you are standing right here.

- (imitates buzzing)

- (laughing)

Oh, God, no, no, no. I'm not his wife.

- No way.

- I'm just helping out,

making sure he doesn't buy

his actual wife vouchers.

Well, you can't actually go wrong with vouchers.

Christ, is that really the price?

I could buy half an 18-litre

dehumidifier for that.

- Sir.

- Yes.

We like to celebrate the erotic here.

Celebrate.

"One-nil. Oy-oy! I scored a goal."

- You don't need to be ashamed.

- I'm not ashamed of anything.

- Embrace it.

- I'll embrace you.

I didn't mean that, I'm really sorry.

It's all right. Why don't you tell me...

- Yeah?

...what turns you on?

Uh... What turns me on?

I don't... What, really?

I, uh, I like it...

I like it when she...

dresses up like a policewoman, or estate agent.

We haven't met,

and she forces me to do things to her

that I would never normally do.

- Right.

- Yeah.

I was thinking more along the lines of lace.

Were you?

- Satin?

- Satin.

Fishnets?

Fishnets, the fish of the sea.

Fish of the sea. A trawlerman.

I once saw a trawlerman.

You must know the lucky lady.

Any thoughts?

You're as useless at all this sexy stuff

as I am, aren't you?

You're happy with a thermal nightie,

a Stieg Larsson and a nice milky tea.

(chuckles)

I'm just gonna go have a browse.

Leave you to it.

Oh, this is nice.

They also have a wonderful restaurant.

I wouldn't think of staying

anywhere else when I'm in London.

So, what is our strategy

when it comes to online awareness?

So, the idea is to drive the consumer

to the site through...

Oysters?

Seriously, Guy.

They must have run out of Highland shortbread.

To drive consumers to the site

through a unified multiplatform...

(whirring)

A unified multiplatform approach,

accessible with...

(playing soft music)

Yes, go on. Platforms, that was good.

Well, traditional media

should not be ignored, either.

Doves? Really?

I think you're amazing, Nat.

I know it's unprofessional and clich, but...

I'm married.

What?

I'm married. I have a husband.

How can you?

Why didn't you say something?

For all this time, you didn't think to tell me?

I didn't say anything because

I thought we'd get the account if...

if I flirted with you.

And then I liked flirting with you

too much for any of this to stop.

Well, this wouldn't be happening

if you were happy with your husband.

What am I supposed to say?

I can't leave him, he'd be destroyed.

Look, I'm really sorry,

but that dove's getting

awfully close to the ceiling fan.

Who is this guy? Do you have children?

- How long have you been married?

- Look, that's irrelevant. He's...

He's dependable and...

(screams)

...and he's kind and safe,

and I can't throw that all away for you.

I mean, you're charming and twinkly.

Look, you're a Ferrari and he's a Volvo,

and right now...

I just need to be behind the wheel of a Volvo.

I need... (wailing)

(thudding)

I need reliability

and to be able to get from A to B

safe and unhurt.

Oh! God!

Dove down, dove down!

It's okay, I think it's just stunned.

Can you...

- Do you want me to stop now?

- Yes.

Listen, Nat. I'm not giving up.

From the minute I met you

I've thought of nothing else.

Do you think I care if our logo

has a drop shadow or is italicised? No.

I'm looking for excuses to see you.

(violinist) Come on.

(Guy) And I'm not twinkly.

I don't twinkle with anyone else.

(gasps)

You make me twinkly.

Ugh! God!

- That's supposed to be lucky.

- (screams)

Look, as might be evident, I've never

done this kind of thing before,

but I would regret it forever

if I didn't try everything I could.

Married or not, I need to be with you, Nat.

Mind... Mind, um... Sorry.

I'm sorry. I can't do this. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Perhaps in hindsight

you shouldn't have gone with the doves.

Thanks.

- You like those, sir?

- Uh, yeah.

Crotchless. Interesting, lovely, yeah.

Do you get much of a call for those?

- (Chloe) Sh*t.

- Everything all right in there?

Yeah, I just...

I think this hook is caught.

Yeah, I got it.

Uh, yeah, I have to admit

I'm not very good with

buttons or zips or that sort of thing.

Usually I... Holy f***ing sh*t.

I mean, who needs a dehumidifier, right?

Sure, I get a bit of condensation on my

bedroom window sometimes, but it's fine.

- Will you just close the...

- Oh, yeah, sorry. Sorry.

- Um...

- Look, were they always like that?

'Cause, I mean, they're unbelievable.

I just thought that

I would try something unpractical.

Do you think that Nat

would like something like this, or...

Nat?

Oh, of course.

Yeah, she'd look really nice.

She'd look good.

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