I Give It a Year Page #7

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Um...

Yeah, but I think maybe the...

- I don't know if it's...

- What is it?

I don't know if it's caught on the tag.

I don't know what I did.

Your hair's in the way, I'm just gonna...

You know those, um,

strips that they put in pants...

if you want to try them on?

Do you think that's to prevent

against gonorrhoea or chlamydia?

That's the one these days, Chlamydia.

That's...

(stammering)

Or so I've... so I've read.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I don't know why I did that.

No. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

(Claudia) Excuse me, sir,

will you be paying for that?

Christ, I expect so.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I just wanted you to know

how I feel about you

- and I don't want to let you slip away.

- It's very complicated.

- Chloe, that was really bad.

- I know.

I mean, not the kiss or the visuals,

that was lovely,

- but I'm married.

- I know.

Oh, great, it's goddamn Beyonc.

What?! F***!

- Beyonc is my husband!

- What?

Beyonc is my husband!

- Beyonc is Josh.

- Him?

Yes.

Nat!

- Hello, darling!

- How weird!

- What a treat.

- How are you?

- Hi, Chloe.

- Hi.

- Guy, right?

- Yeah. Josh?

Yeah, that's right. Nice to see you.

Guy, this is Chloe.

She's a wonderful, uh...

charity worker.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Yeah, we were just doing

some Christmas shopping.

We were just having a meeting around the corner.

- Oh, were you?

- Yeah.

- Nice.

- Yeah.

- Did you have fun last night?

- Oh, it was awesome, awesome.

Did you manage to get lucky with the ladies?

No. Actually,

the girl I had my eye on blew me off.

I ended up alone in the hotel

with a mini sleeve of Pringles

watching Malaysian golf on Eurosport.

- (laughing loudly)

- That's hilarious.

I find that incredibly difficult to believe.

Well, it's true, it's true.

What, a man as good-looking as you?

Fabulous face, amazing hair, wonderful teeth.

- A real hunk of spunk.

- Thank you.

Amazing skin, that's what...

Hasn't he got incredible skin?

- You do.

- Thank you.

It's inspirational.

Chloe's single. Aren't you?

And she's American.

And you're... you could...

(American accent)... ride the subway

and have a malt at the Five and Dime.

If that takes your fancy.

If you want to.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah. Yeah.

Poor Chloe could probably think

of nothing worse,

but maybe if we all went out together sometime,

- that could be cool.

- Ooh!

You could set that up,

couldn't you, Nat? Is that all right?

Yes, yes, absolutely.

I will organise it. I'll organise it.

Awesome.

- Great.

- Okay.

- Dinner after Christmas.

- Dinner.

Yeah, sarsaparilla and hot dogs all round.

- Very nice to meet you.

- You, too. You, too.

Things really hit a low point around Christmas.

His family's so weird.

- That's not nice.

- They are. Come on.

I caught your mother googling,

"Can cat urine be used as fertiliser?"

She's got lots of cat urine.

She might as well use it.

Why the f*** has she got lots of cat urine?

Hey! Merry Christmas!

(Josh) At least my family are friendly.

- Nat!

- (Josh) Hi, Mum. You all right?

You didn't exactly endear yourself

with the charades debacle.

(Hugh) Here we go.

- Play.

- Television.

Four words. First word.

(Naomi) Unconscious.

(Nat) Dead.

- Tapping. Computer.

- Hanging. Vera Duck.

(Diana) Letters.

(Naomi) Braille.

- Red.

- Impotent! Thick!

(Naomi) Stupid.

(Hugh) Man.

(Naomi) Effeminate.

(Grandma) Husband?

(Naomi) Annoying idiot.

(Grandma) Father?

Disappointment. Shame. Regret.

- Profession.

- Lazy.

Doctor. "Doctor," thank you.

"Doctor" is not the first thing

you think of when you look at him.

- Four words. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde!

- Doctor Zhivago.

(Nat) Quick, quick, quick, you've got a minute!

Go, go, go!

- (Hugh) Second word.

- Sounds like... sister.

- Nat.

- Fit. Sexy.

- Young girl?

- Wife. Uh, woman.

Nat, bat, sat, rat, cat, hat.

Wife. Beautiful. Uh... The splits!

- Cellist!

- Cello!

- (Nat) Hilary and Jackie.

- Family. Family.

- What are you...

- Barren.

Baron Mnchausen! Sorry, no. Um...

Um...

(stammering) Vagina.

P*ssy. Minge. Twat. Foo-foo.

Clunge. Uh, growler.

Quim.

(Hugh) Quim! Quim! Quim! Quim! Quim!

Dr Quim and his Casebooks!

- Dr Quinn Medicine Woman.

- That's it.

- Get away from me.

- What?

- (Diana) You all right, Mother?

- (whimpering)

What else rhymes with "Quinn"?

Sounds like "chin"?

Sounds like "bin".

Yeah, all right, bloody Lionel Blair.

Look, I was tired.

I'd hardly slept, I wasn't thinking straight

because your evil stepdad

had put me in that bedroom.

- (music box jingling)

- Just to punish me.

(Nat) I would argue that you got

a better night's sleep

- than I did at your parents' house.

- (thudding on ceiling)

- (moaning) Oh, Brian!

- Elaine!

(Elaine) Oh, Brian, you know just what I like!

(Brian) Tits or face? Tits or face?

(Elaine) Tits.

(Brian groaning)

(Brian) Wrong answer!

(Elaine) Oh, Brian! Oh, my God.

(Brian) Sorry, darling.

Yeah, well, your parents made it perfectly clear

what they thought of me.

- What have you got?

- Fantastic!

- Digital photo frame.

- Wonderful!

You just put a memory stick in

and it makes a slide show.

We've got our camera on us,

we'll have to try it out later.

That is fabulous. "ReKapture."

My go? Thank you. Who's this from?

Mum and Dad!

Cracking.

How to be a Successful Writer.

And, um, Stop Wasting Your Life.

(chuckles)

- Good idea.

- Unbelievable.

- My family hate him...

- (whispering) They hate me.

...his family get under my skin,

and, at a time when we should have

felt happy and close,

I couldn't have felt more distant.

Explain again what your book's about.

Well, my hero is a young

history professor called Ezra

who, with the help of

a young American aid worker,

discovers this man in Borneo

who claims to be Muhammad.

(Nat yawns)

So it's a meditation, really,

on the veracity and origins of faith.

If he ever gets round to finishing it.

(Josh) Oi!

Another drink, Josh?

Oh, that'd be lovely, thank you.

Oh, that's gorgeous.

- Ice?

- Uh, yes, please.

Mmm.

- (chuckles) That's sweet.

- (laughs)

Are you sure there's nothing I can do to help?

- No, thank you, I'm fine.

- (screaming) I have to help!

Oh!

Mince pie, Alec?

- No, thank you.

- Are you sure?

Why are you standing like that?

Just offering Alec a mince pie.

He doesn't want a mince pie.

- You don't... You don't?

- No.

(Nat) Just stand up.

That's that market we went to in Taroudant.

- Let me see, darling.

- Yes.

Um, it was gorgeous,

they had the most incredible figs.

(Josh) I'm sure nobody

wants to hear about the figs.

Because it wasn't very...

Look at the cat!

F***ing little cocksucker.

(Nat) Give this back to me.

Give it!

Just sit down.

Goodness me.

- Is it still working?

- Yes.

This is the town square. They had

snake charmers and performing monkeys.

Oh! That looks so magical.

(Nat) Me with a monkey.

Darling, you look so sweet.

Oh! Me trying on those slippers.

They were very pretty.

(Diana) They look it.

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