I Heart Huckabees Page #11

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The universe is a lonely place,

a painful place.

This is what we can share

between us, period.

[ Brad And Dawn ]

Whoa.!

H'yah!

[ Gasps ]

What are you doing?

You told me you were done

with this stupid method.

- Why can't I do it?

- Because it is a fantasy.

- Do you want to lead a fake life?

- You don't have to get so threatened.

- I can mix your thing with their thing.

- No, you can't!

- Why not?

- Because they are completely different.

And theirs is a lie. For the last time,

forget the tree fantasy.

And as for Brad,

you must do to him for real...

- what he did to you, and--

- [ Knocking ]

You ditched me.

First my family, and now you guys.

- She's my teacher too, Albert.

- And she's still your teacher, Tom.

No. It's all different now.

I thought we were a platonic trio,

not some sick sex dance.

You said that was bullshit.

Learn from this, Tommy.

Painful truth.

i warned you--human drama.

Is that why

you're doing this, to teach me?

- Yeah, is that why you're doing this, to teach him?

- Of course it is.

There are unique moments when two people

share the deep sorrow of existence.

All right. That's what

I wanted to hear.

- How can you believe that bullshit?

- T-Tom-- Tom, I'm sorry.

This just happened.

i've never done anything like this before.

- We could still be-- You can

still be my other, right?

- Shut up, Albert.

i brought you here. i wanted to share

la force with you, and you ruined it.

- You fell in love.

- [ Caterine ] Do not defle it with cliche.

- It is unnameable.

- Yeah? Well, I reject unnameable!

[ Clattering ]

It leaves me out!

Where is your pure being now, Tommy?

i told you.

I'm just gonna accept

my loneliness.

And I'm gonna go

to an even darker place of nothingness.

From an even farther,

more extreme nothingness on my own!

- Who needs you guys?

- [ Caterine ] Ahh, sublime.

Hey, welcome.

You like my new offce?

- Let's start with the method.

- Let's start with the method.

- We'd like to discuss--

- We'd like to discuss--

- Okay. What are you doing?

- Okay. What are you doing?

- What are you doing?

- [ Chuckling ] I'm jokin' around, guys.

But seriously, I want to quit

the process with you.

Nothing personal. I appreciate

what you've done for me, but I'm over it.

- You can't quit until the case is over.

- Ah, I can fire you.

- No, you can't.

- No, you can't.

- Sure I can.

- No, you can't.

Paragraph 201 .

''Neither client nor detective...

''may terminate case prior to resolution

as defined by paragraph 31 4, subclause 'D'...

- which states--''

- That's not binding.

- Oh, it's binding.

- I'll find a lawyer.

- Oh?

- Or maybe even go to the FBI. How about that?

- Go ahead.

- Oh, I will. I'm not kidding.

No, Brad, this is how it works.

You go to the police.

You-- You tell them

that you went to the existential detectives.

They ask why.

You say, ''For personal reasons. ''

Or, maybe you wanted to

work the politics at your corporation...

- by rattling Albert Markovski.

- I never told you that.

- Well, give us a little credit.

- The police go to Huckabees.

They talk to them.

The board learns that rising star, Brad Stand...

has weird existential issues.

- Or he fakes them.

- Which is odd.

Which is worse.

And your girlfriend, the voice of Huckabees...

- is dressing like an Amish bag lady.

- Okay, I get it.

You know, Brad, suddenly

your star isn't rising anymore. It's sinking.

- Okay. I said I get it, Bernie. Relax.

- Passive-aggressive.

- Shut up.

- Aggressive-aggressive.

- Does Dawn want to quit?

- Dawn's into this crap for real...

which is the stupidest thing

I've ever seen in my life.

Shall we get back

to the case?

All right.

What you got on me? Nothin'.

Our staff did a little

field work in, uh, Cleveland.

- What? Talk to my family?

- [ Vivian ] Mommy and daddy look awesome.

- So do you. But this guy.

- Wha-- Ah, he doesn't look too good.

- You bastards.

- [ Bernard ] He doesn't

look too good, does he, Brad?

How could you do this?

[ Sniffing ]

[ Crying ]

Ooh.

Mm-hmm.

Are you kidding me? He weighs 250.

He t-- He talks about geckos all the time.

- What's the point?

- I thought he was a sweet, sensitive young man.

Oh, excuse me. You--

You spoke to my fat, sad brother?

- Yes, Brad, on the phone.

- Indeed, I did, at length.

Well, if he's so sensitive, why doesn't he lose

- Maybe he'll find some friends.

- Well,your brother feels

that you're ashamed ofhim.

Are you sympathetic to him?

- Are you kidding me? I gave him a car.

- [ Bernard ] Mm-hmm.

- I send him shirts.

- Mm-hmm.

I-- Look.

Here, guys. Geckos.

And I keep 'em.

I'm a pretty good

older brother.

[ Vivian ] He wishes you would

listen to him more.

About what, geckos?

I-- I don't have

all the answers.

But maybe he should listen

to me more and learn a little.

[ Vivian ] You have several stories that

you like to tell over and over and over.

Ohh. Oh-ho. That's not--

Come on. That's a lie.

- I-- I'm not boring like him.

- Like the mayonnaise story. The mayo story.

[ Vivian's Voice ]

May 1 8, sales meeting.

[ Brad's Voice ] Shania's there, you know,

promoting her apparel, right?

- [ Man Chuckles ]

- It's 4:
00. She's starving.

She hates mayonnaise, right?

Allergic to it.

So I order a ton of tuna fish sandwiches.

Back then that's all she's eating.

- Tuna fish. No mayo, darling.

- [ People Laughing ]

[ Vivian's Voice ]

June 5, driving range.

[ Brad's Voice ] Nojoke.

We gave her a chicken salad sandwich once...

she threw up

in the back of the limo.

[ Vivian's Voice ]

June 30, the lake.

[ Brad's Voice ]

Shania's there promoting her apparel, right?

it's 4:
00, and she's starving.

She's a busy lady.

i order a ton of tuna fsh sandwiches.

That's all she's eating back then, tuna fsh.

[ Vivian's Voice ]

July 9, Flight 2 7 to Chicago.

Shania's there promoting her apparel, right?

it's 4:
00. She's starving.

The lady hates chicken salad.

Gave it to her once, she threw up.

- August 1 7, conference call.

- Shania's there promoting her apparel, right?

No mayo. She hates it. And she cannot eat

chicken salad. That's nojoke.

September 3, in traffc,

your cell phone.

Shania's there promoting her apparel, right?

Back then that's all she's eating, tuna fsh.

No mayo. i eat two

of the sandwiches in front ofher.

She now eats one and a half.

Now she believes me.

She eats one and a half sandwiches

before she realizes it's chicken salad.

[ Tape Player Stops ]

[ Tape Rewinding ]

[ Vivian ] Why do you think that

you tell the mayo story so much?

- I don't know. Why?

- [ Bernard ] it's propaganda.

- For mayonnaise?

- For you.

Specifically, you're so impressive

because you know Shania.

And you're so strong,

because you pull one on her.

- You're a funny guy, a good guy.

- Keeping everyone laughing...

so that maybe, quote,

you don't get depressed.

Well, what's so great

about depression?

Nothing.

Unless it holds the key...

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