I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Page #4

But if we should ever disagree...

then f*** all of you, here's to me.

-Cheers.

-All right.

All right, but for real,

which one's the naughty one?

See now, the world goes round in circles

It never would stop

All right. What's your porn name?

Scott Peterson.

No, no, not your real name.

Your porn name is your pet's name

and the street you grew up on.

I wasn't allowed to have pets.

Okay, we'll do another way, then.

What's your middle name?

I don't have one, unless I missed it

between "shut" and "up" as a kid.

Come on. Play along, it's fun.

If you touch me again.

I will gut you and grind you into pig slop.

What--? Why?

You're the only guy I know

that actually cock blocks himself.

Come on, man.

This night is about you and Dan.

Remember what we talked about?

Instead of being a f***ing killjoy...

you stop and ask yourself,

"What would Tucker do? "

And then you go do that.

Well, unfortunately, we can't both go

after the girl with the lowest self-esteem.

-Now, can we?

-We can try.

Speak of the devil.

What's up? You finally ready to hook up

or we need more shots first?

She's the bride.

You talk a big game, Mr. Man.

But you don't look like

much of a drinker to me.

Really? Are you talking to me?

You couldn't tie my drinking shoes.

Let's do shots, then.

Isn't she precious?

We'll do teams. It'll be fun.

-"It will be fun."

-Okay, fine.

-"We will do teams."

-Let's do it.

Bachelor and hottest guy, me, duh...

versus bachelorette

and your hottest friend.

-I think your friend's hotter.

-Yeah?

Talk to him for 5 minutes

and tell me what you think.

Let's get down to business.

Line them up. And no girly sh*t either.

If it has sugar in it, it's not a real shot.

So what's up with Mary, Queen of Twats

over there?

-You know how it is.

-Yeah.

It'd suck to be such an angry b*tch.

She can be lots of fun

when she wants to be.

When is that? When she's luring

small children into her gingerbread house?

No. She isn't that bad.

Women are the worst

at judging their friends.

-She's really sweet.

-Bums wouldn't f*** her.

I don't know about bums.

Maybe titty f*** her.

For the record, I just wanted

to disagree with my friend Tucker--

Baby.

Grillionaire.

I got ice, whips, ho's, money

Got ice, whips, ho's, money

You like this guy?

I love him. He is hot.

How they do, baby

Grillionaire in the house

How they do, baby

Grillionaire in the house

Yeah, buddy

Get away from me, or I'm gonna carve

another f*** hole in your torso.

Sorry, man.

Want me to ask them to turn it off?

Yes.

You gotta admit, though, man,

it is kind of catchy.

It's a good f***ing hook.

Ice, ice, whips, whips, ho's, ho's, money

Ice, ice, whips, whips, ho's, ho's, money

Got it?

Ice, ice, whips--

All right, all right, all right. We'll stop.

Okay, just--

Where the ho's at?

This is for all you

b*tches, ho's, and pricks.

We wouldn't talk to any of you

if we didn't have d*cks. Tucker Max.

Who's Tucker Max?

A rapist.

I can't. I'm done.

What?

That's it? 6 shots?

You may be able to vote and drive,

but you will never be equal.

-It's embarrassing.

-Why are you talking to him?

-He's just messing around.

-Come on, he's cute.

Cute, like full-blown AIDS.

No, he's not. Everything he says

is disgusting and misogynist.

No, it isn't.

If I said women

belong chained to a stove...

with enough slack

to reach the bedroom...

because those are the places that

your rib-stealing gender's worth a damn...

-that would be misogynist.

-Would be true.

Excuse me?

What I said was sexist

and a f***ing joke.

Not that your pageant-girl ass

would know the difference.

-Hey.

-That's much.

-What?

-Fine. You know what?

You're sexist and misogynist.

Good for you.

Tucker, you misogynist Neanderthal.

Why dost thou hate women so?

That's the thing.

I don't hate women. I love women.

Why else would I put up

with all their sh*t?

Now you're being kind of mean.

Yeah, you know what?

You're an ass.

I just don't like her as a person...

...because she's a negative f***ing b*tch.

That has nothing to do

with whether or not she has tits.

-Hey.

-Tucker.

That's not good game.

-You're really mean.

-Yeah.

Yeah. You know what?

Come on, let's go. Let's go.

-Yeah.

-It was going so good.

We actually made friends.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

A**hole.

Wait, wait, wait. Guys, come on, sorry.

Listen, I just want to apologize.

You'll have to forgive my friend, all right?

-He's got mommy issues.

-What do you mean?

Mommy was the life of the party.

Mommy, where do babies come from?

Go ask your deadbeat father

and his fancy new wife.

He really is a good guy, honest.

He's just sometimes

a little quick on the trigger.

Why don't you just come to

the strip club?

-Drinks will be on the a**hole.

-Yeah, come on.

That sounds like a plan.

What strip club you guys going to?

-It's called Avarice.

-I've never heard of it.

That's because they don't

let prudish b*tches in.

Tucker.

She's not a b*tch.

She's a snatch napkin.

It was nice to meet you.

My God.

Call Information.

Find out where this club is.

What?

I thought you knew where it was.

No, dude. I was f***ing half drunk.

-I don't know precisely where it is.

-You said you knew.

-I said that?

-Yeah.

I can't be held accountable for the things

that come out of my mouth.

I'd just like to remind everyone that

we're going down a strange, dark alley...

on the advice of a drunken hobo.

So?

Yeah, I don't really see a problem, either.

All right. This has gotta be it.

This spot. It must be.

What's up, man? How's it going?

You having a good night?

Cool.

All right

Break me down

You got a lovely face

We're going to your place

But now you got to

Freak me out

Scream so loud

Get f***ing laid

You want me to stay

But I got to make my way

Hey

You're a crazy b*tch

But you f*** so good

I'm on top of it

When I dream

I'm doing you all night

Scratches all down my back

That's a hundred.

Man.

I'm going with you.

-Hey.

-How are you doing?

-You're a maniac.

-Let's sit.

-Great.

-I'm better now that you came....

Unless your breasts expel vodka and tonic,

you can feel free to leave.

Don't worry, baby,

the drinks will be here any minute.

Well, in the meantime,

I am obligated to inform you...

pursuant to Megan's Law,

that I am a convicted sex offender.

So how old are you?

Okay, fine. Rape's not funny,

but murder can be.

Murder's not funny either.

Maybe not to you,

but if the murderer was a clown...

that would be funny to me.

How is that funny?

Because he is happy on the outside

but sad on the inside.

What?

Sad clown wanna kill somebody?

-Tear.

-Get away from me. Don't touch me.

Wait. Here. Here.

-What's wrong with him?

-He had a bad breakup.

You have a friend for him?

My friends would never put up with that.

Okay, I'm gonna call

a quick timeout here...

while the lesser comedians

of the group...

have a chance to make

their own stripper abuse joke.

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