I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Page #5

What is your prob--?

I would rather mainline Drano...

than listen to another second

of your whore prattle.

-Less talkie. More booby. Now.

-You know what, I don't need this.

Said the fat girl to the cupcake.

-I'm sorry.

-Bye, whore.

Candy, I'll miss you.

-Bambi, I thought we had something.

-3 down, only 97 more to go.

Good job, dumb-ass.

And now coming to the auxiliary stage...

she has Russian hands

and Roman fingers.

Give it up for Natasha.

--for the heart

Dull headache

This is just the start

Of a mad pursuit

Chasing down the telephone wire

Racing down the road

You can't lose her

You'll try to skip town

She'll find you

Are you guys drinking water?

We don't allow Mormons in here.

Yes, but we're also drinking

Thug Passion.

It's what your mom put in your bottle so

she could watch Young and the Restless.

My mom used bourbon.

All the sugar in cognac made me hyper.

And judging by the distance

between your eyes...

I'd say your mom drank it all

while you were still in the womb.

Did she just make a fetal alcohol joke?

Wait, wait, wait.

When you're done changing

or whatever...

come back over here

and keep talking sh*t to him.

-Please.

-Thank you.

-God.

-Which one do you want?

-I'll take the--

-I'll take the one in the pink.

And now coming to the main stage,

she's magic on the bowl.

She's Whoredini.

If we get a champagne room,

we can do anything we want.

If we get a hotel room,

we can do anything too.

True. But then I don't get paid.

I'll give you $20.

It's more like 400, baby.

-400?

-Yeah.

But you're cute and funny.

I'll do it for 350.

-25

-325?

No, just 25.

I have to pay the club $100

just to get the room for an hour.

That's okay.

My attention span won't last for an hour.

-A**hole.

-I'll give you $30.

-That won't even buy our drinks.

-Sh*t.

That's what you get.

Hold on. If I'm so cute and funny,

why are you even charging me?

That's no way to start a relationship.

Who said I wanted a relationship?

I already have a boyfriend.

I don't want that kind of relationship.

I just wanna f*** you.

-Just f*** me?

-Yeah, I'd make a great f*** buddy.

All right, potential f*** buddy,

how big is your dick?

How big is your mouth?

She's got eyes as big as her titties.

And, boy, is she a cute little piece of tail.

It's Bambi.

If you must know...

my parents yelled at me,

sent me to my room and ignored me.

If I was your mom, I would have

locked you up and ignored you too.

If you were my mom, I would've been raised

by a talentless hooker rather than a shrew.

There's a win-win.

You're awfully bitter

for a pasty-faced shut-in.

Always been this mean, or did some girl

just trade you in for a better model?

Holy sh*t.

She's like a hot Miss Cleo.

Yeah, his girlfriend did just dump him.

For Grillionaire, of all people.

Grillionaire?

Like, "how they do, baby"?

Grillionaire with the diamonds on his teeth?

She may be a vacuous slut with no taste,

but at least she's not a stripper.

You think you're so clever.

I know a hundred insecure a**holes

just like you.

I'm sure all your mother's boyfriends

were great guys.

If I had a dollar

for every broken-home joke...

I'd have enough to buy

Comic-Con tickets for you...

and all the other orc-mage failures

on your buddy list.

Whatever, I've gotta go.

No, no, no.

-Stay, please.

-Finish him.

-No, I've gotta get home soon.

-You need to keep talking sh*t to him.

Yeah, he can't stand it when a woman

that gets the best of him. Stay, please.

That's unfortunate

because he's a good-looking guy.

I've learned my lesson

with guys like your friend.

No, he's different.

I promise you,

there is a flower inside that onion.

-You just have to peel back the layers...

-Peel away.

and fight back the tears.

-I'll pay your rate. Just talk sh*t to him.

-Please.

He needs this.

Dance, monkey.

Dance for your dollar.

Could've done without that.

-I'll pick it up for you.

-You can keep that.

All I have to do is insult him?

No dancing?

-That's it.

-Great.

-I can't believe that worked.

-F***.

He might have you there.

I'm Lara.

What's your name?

It's Drew, but why don't we

skip the pleasantries...

and go to the part where

you call me Captain Kirk...

and give me a hand job in the alley?

You're a Star Trek nerd?

Color me shocked.

Live long and prosper, dork.

Okay, I'm a dork?

You are the one with

a video-game character's name.

Genius. That game came out

after I was born.

I was named after Agustin Lara.

Wait, wait, wait, who is that?

A famous Mexican intellectual.

That's a funny joke.

No funnier than you catching your

girlfriend blowing Grillionaire.

Body blow, body blow,

body blow, left hook.

Wait a second, wait a second.

You like "Mike Tyson Punch Out"?

Bullshit, bullshit.

Who was your favorite guy

to fight? Quick.

Soda Popinski, because he was

drinking a 40 in his picture.

Dude, this is your dream girl.

If you don't make this happen...

you will be a disgrace

to the entire "Halo" community.

-How dare you?

-I will destroy you in "Halo."

Yeah, sure you will.

And you're an exotic dancer,

not a stripper.

You can't handle a girl...

who's better than you

at some stupid game?

Okay, you can beat me at "Halo"?

Hey, while we're in this fantasy land...

why don't we drive your flying car

over to the bank...

and get you approved for a home loan.

-I bet $100 she'll beat you in "Halo."

-I'm not betting on a video game.

Gambling is illegal.

What?

I smell p*ssy.

Then douche before work.

I'm not-- I can't leave--

Dan's bachelor party

is the reason we're here.

No, don't let me keep you here.

Nothing would make me happier than

to see her whip your ass at a video game.

I would consider it if we had a place

to play and I had my special controller.

Well, you're in luck,

because my shift just ended.

We can play at my house,

I have everything.

Except your candy-ass little controller.

-Then it's a bet.

-No.

I'm not going

to some vile stripper den.

You know her baby daddy

is just waiting there for me...

-so he can roll me and steal my organs.

-How are you friends with this guy?

-I have no idea how you're attracted to him.

-I don't know.

Probably has something to do with

my caustic sense of humor...

and the inability of your various

stepfathers to show you any affection.

Probably.

Fellas, I've got a message

from the bar staff.

Tonight's house special is Thug's Passion

and it's 2 for 1.

-Hey, honey, what's up?

-Hey.

You've finally calmed down?

Yeah. You know,

I'm not mad at you anymore.

Gee, thanks.

-Are you having fun?

-Yeah.

Strip clubs are all the same.

How's Tucker handling

the no-touch rule?

You know, he's coping.

Welcome to the stage,

she's got plenty of fright...

with none of the height.

She's Salem's very own Rainbow Sprite.

-Dan, where are you?

-A club.

No, where are you? Geographically.

Close by.

I can't believe this.

Young man, I don't think

we're gonna need this anymore.

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