I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Page #6

-Put Drew on the phone.

-He's leaving with a stripper.

Dan, we both know that's ridiculous.

Put Drew on the phone.

Hey. It's Kristy.

She wants to talk to you.

She thinks we're in Richmond.

-Just tell her we're in Richmond.

-Yeah.

-Hi, Kristy.

-Drew, where are you guys?

We're at a strip club in Salem. Gotta go.

I'm not lying for you cretins.

My moral compass doesn't point

directly down my pants.

Dude, what did--?

What do you--?

-F***.

-F***.

Dan, why did you go to Salem?

I don't know. Tucker....

Again, Dan?

Again with the Tucker.

What are you, his keeper?

Is that what you are? You just hang out,

swoop in and save him and take the hit?

-I don't know.

-I don't understand why you lied to me.

We promised that we'd always be honest

with each other.

I don't know why we lied. I just--

Enough with the "we."

I don't care why Tucker did what he did.

I only care what you did.

Honey, you're really that mad?

I don't know what to think. I gotta go.

F***.

Well, that's the last time I listen to you.

Dude, whatever, she'll get over it.

Tell her it's my fault.

It is your f***ing fault.

What happens in Salem, stays in Salem.

Well, clearly it doesn't. My fiance,

who I lied to because of you, a**hole...

is in Richmond and she's pissed.

It's all right. Here.

This is the 20-minute call for

all dancers to the main stage...

because it is time

for bachelor party duty.

-Dude.

-Someone needs a spanking.

Dude, this is it, this is it.

You need a spanking, man. This is it.

Are you fired up?

This is for you, go out on stage, man.

She's my cherry pie

Cool drink of water

Such a sweet surprise

Let's give it up for

Rainbow Sprite, everybody.

I'll be right back. Stay there.

Take your time, d*ckhead.

-Where are you going?

-I just--

-I'll be right back.

-What about your friend?

He's fine. He's fine.

Don't worry about him. Big boy.

F***.

Hey, I'm Gulliver. How are you doing?

She's sweet and sticky,

but she won't give you a cavity.

-F***.

-Let's say hello to Candy.

This place sucks. You wanna get

out of here? Do something more fun?

I need to tell you something

before we go inside.

I f***ing knew it.

I'm gonna get jumped.

They're gonna take my kidneys.

No. I have a son. He'll be asleep.

But I wanted to tell you before you tripped

over his army men in the living room.

What's his name?

Jack. He's 7.

Is he named after his baby daddy

or the liquor on which he was conceived?

Neither. It's just a strong name.

I think a little boy needs a strong name.

I'm not a fan

of those androgynous names...

like Pat or Jesse or Drew.

B*tch.

I can't say I'm shocked.

Having a kid is one of the top 3 excuses

strippers use to justify their career choice.

Really?

And what are the other 2?

The paying my way through college lie

heads up that list.

That's in the Whore Logic Hall of Fame.

And the other one?

It's better than being a hooker

or doing porn.

You know...

strippers don't actually say that.

Bullshit, they don't.

You need to watch Maury Povich.

Jack, aren't you supposed to be in bed?

Bunny said I could stay up and play.

But it doesn't matter.

Your bedtime is your bedtime.

Greetings.

The army men the good guys?

I see you have

some robot truck men here too.

You shouldn't mix genres like that.

It screws up the morale

and jeopardizes the efficacy of your tactics.

Okay, I guess we can work with it.

What exactly are you playing?

Well, the GI Bobs

are gonna surprise attack those Legos.

I know that you are but 7 years old.

This rigmarole you have here

just won't work.

Your flanks are exposed.

You're vulnerable to an enfilade

from Lego artillery.

I think it's time

that you learn the proper way...

to set up an L-shaped ambush.

What's a flank?

It's a good thing I came.

And now, it's time

for our man of the hour...

our bachelor of the night.

Give it up for Big Dan.

I had a baby named Jane

She could shake that thing

Said her daddy used to hang

With Johnny Coltrane

She sang a soul train

With a friend named Jen

Her booty was bigger

Than a Mercedes-Benz

No, no, no.

I said off.

No, no, no.

You a**hole.

-Get on your feet.

-Come on, a**hole. Party's over.

-Yeah.

-Get out of here.

That's it.

-A**hole.

-Okay.

Your army men are set up

in the perfect ambush.

Once the Legos get to the kill zone,

no matter what they do, they're toast.

Yes.

You might not grow up to be a failure

at life after all, kid.

Okay. Now it's time for bed.

Say thank you to Drew for teaching you

how to attack your Legos.

Thanks, Drew.

Tomorrow can you teach me

other ambushes?

I think I've stunted your growth

enough for one week.

But maybe next time I can teach you

how to use standoffish humor...

as a mask for your inability to

relate to people on a personal level.

Yay.

-Yeah.

-Good night, Drew.

Good night, Jack.

F***.

What the hell are you doing?

Don't mind me, boys.

I'm just baking a quiche.

Are you pissing?

That's an actual offense.

-Mr. Plastic-Badge gonna give me a ticket?

-What the f*** did you just say?

How will I ever face my life again?

Let me ask you something,

Deputy Dipshit.

Are you a cop...

because you have a GED or because

you have erectile dysfunction?

-I'm really curious to know.

-Hey, hey.

-Are you goddamn shitting me?

-What the f***?

F***. F***.

"You didn't lie to her, Dan. I did."

"You didn't lie to her, Dan. I did."

Stupid sh*t. You know what they did?

They left me at a strip club.

My friends are f***ing idiots.

"And the syrup nugget, it explodes in your

mouth and then I'll skull f*** you."

F***ing stupid.

F*** it. I gotta get the f*** out of here

and call her. I don't have friends.

My friends are douche bags.

You guys are probably more fun

to hang out with than my f***ing friends.

They're f***ing stupid.

All I wanted was a bouncy castle.

A bouncy castle at the reception.

Just a bouncy castle.

I gotta get out. Gotta call my wife.

She's never gonna take me back.

Who's with me? Who's with me?

Somebody has gotta be with me.

I am the only one who speaks English.

-That's no problem, se.

-What?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Who's with me? Who--? Yeah.

Revolution!

-Hey, look, it's the cops.

-All right, a**holes. Last chance.

What the hell is going on in here?

Holy sh*t, it's like Police Academy,

only gayer.

And you....

-Lights out, motherf***er.

-It's a f***ing joke, it's a joke.

"Halo 1" shotgun gun wizard

was the best board.

Totally.

Jack's a good kid.

Damn it.

Thanks.

I mean, I usually wanna kick most kids

into a wood chipper.

How are you kicking my ass?

That means a lot.

He's had a tough time since his dad left.

I told you I was better.

-I can beat Koreans.

-Why did he leave?

Son of a b*tch,

where are you even shooting me from?

He thought

that I was cheating on him...

so he decided to get even

and screw anything that moved.

Were you?

I mean, it wouldn't surprise me.

Your whole gender

is hardwired for whoredom.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes